Author Topic: My Father  (Read 7334 times)

Irene

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My Father
« on: May 21, 2012, 06:29:27 PM »
Hello,
My father passed away on May 4,2012. I joined this site in 2004, when my mother passed away and found this site and it's members to be tremendously helpful. My mother passed away suddenly and I had found it extremely difficult to deal with. Once again, I am finding myself in the web of grief, but I am finding it vastly different than I did with my mother. I had been extremely close to my mother, and when she died, I was left
to assist a father who I wasn't particularly close to. It was over the past 7 and a half years, that I got closer to my dad, just by visiting with him and helping him where I could as he had an extensive physical disability.
I have several siblings, but I am estranged from one sibling. This sibling has inherited the family business. My parents had always been frugal, and any income made at all, was generated back into the family business. My brother would never visit my father(nor mother prior to her passing) even though he lived next door. Three and a half years ago, my father was placed in a nursing home, as he could no longer be cared for at home, and this brother did not visit my father during that time,except for two family events when my father first entered the home. After my father suffered a stroke a month ago, my brother was called to come to say goodbye to my father but he refused. On the day of the funeral, he missed the majority of the visitation, as he was meeting with his lawyers. Some of my siblings feel resentment towards him, and two accept him as he is.
I just want to be able to let go of the resentment myself.
   The other thing I wanted to mention is that people will either say,"Sorry for your loss," or nothing at all, but invariably the subject is changed immediately, and I somehow feel that I wish life would just sometimes stand still, so that my dad isn't forgotten in all of this. I know the cliche that life carries on, but it just seems that a lot of things seem overwhelming right now and there is no time to process my feelings. Thanks for listenning.


Doug1222

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Re: My Father
« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2012, 01:08:35 PM »
Hi, Irene. I'm so sorry to hear about all the confusion in your family after losing your dad. I watched a similar thing happen to my dad's family after my grandma died.

It just doesn't make sense to me. Money just isn't that important. I think it's clear to everybody close to me. I won't argue over money, and I don't want anybody arguing over it when I'm gone. Sorry your family is going through that.

I'm sorry you needed to come back here, but I'm glad you did. I've found it very helpful.

(((((((((Irene)))))))))

Doug

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: My Father
« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2012, 03:03:53 PM »

I'm sorry, Irene to learn your Dad died, and also for the turmoil in your family. It's so sad to see how some behave at a time when we really need one another for comfort and understanding, not to mention a lot of hugs. I sure hope you're getting a lot of hugs.

The other thing I wanted to mention is that people will either say,"Sorry for your loss," or nothing at all, but invariably the subject is changed immediately, and I somehow feel that I wish life would just sometimes stand still, so that my dad isn't forgotten in all of this. I know the cliche that life carries on, but it just seems that a lot of things seem overwhelming right now and there is no time to process my feelings.

I feel the same way, Irene. No one's life is affected the way our's is, when someone we love dies. I always wondered how some could just 'pick up where they left off' because it always seemed so cold. And, of course you want to honor your Father by remembering, and not for him to get lost in the business of 'money' and family squabbles. It's what we all want but people will surprise us over time.

((((((((((Irene))))))))))

Sending my love, too,
Terry

browneyedgirl

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Re: My Father
« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2012, 03:46:27 PM »
(((Irene))))

I am so very sorry for the loss of your father. 
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

helene

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Re: My Father
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2012, 07:17:22 AM »
Hi Irene,

I too am very sorry about the loss of your father, and the loss of your mother back in 2004. I understand what you're talking about when it comes to estrangements in families and how family problems can really exacerbate the pain of grief and loss. I am estranged from my mother and practically from my younger sister. And I understand how time just keeps moving along and we are expected to just somehow 'get on with our lives' like waving some kind of 'magic wand' that is just suddenly supposed to take away our grief and make us 'socialably acceptable'. My sister Lesley died nearly two years ago and I never hear her name spoken any more by anyone. Sometimes I feel like standing in the middle of our downtown streets and and also to my younger sister and mother who refuse to talk about Lesley at all and screamng: "MY SISTER LESLEY EXISTED!! SHE HAD A LIFE!! SHE WAS HERE AND I LOVED HER AND SHE LOVED ME!!" 

I also lost my Dad many years ago and have never stopped missing him.

This is one place where we can say more than "I'm sorry for your loss." We don't change the subject either or drop it.  Please post whenever you feel you can. I wil be one of many who will be 'listening' and here for you.

(((((((Irene)))))))))


Helene.


Helene & Lesley

Irene

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Re: My Father
« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2012, 07:50:16 PM »
Thankyou to all who have replied. I have never forgotten this site, and still have checked in here and there over the years. For all of you that I have never met, and still reach out with a helping hand, Thankyou. I was so close to my mother and found a profound loss when she passed away. A close friend has told me that it was partially that I was closer to my mother, and also that I have been spending the last few years, with a gradual saying of goodbye to my father, as he went in and out of a confused state, and required so much
physical care. It's funny how guilt can creep in, even when you do your best to do right by a person. I feel guilt when I don't feel that exact same sense of loss as I did with my mother.