Author Topic: I'm new here...  (Read 5657 times)

Jean D

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I'm new here...
« on: May 17, 2012, 07:53:44 PM »
Hi Everyone, I came upon your site just yesterday and immediately signed up to participate. My husband, Beni age 61, passed away December 8, 2011 and as I am typing this I have already begun to cry. To top off my life, just two short months later, his mom who was 95 and suffered from Alzheimers passed away too. Talk about a one two punch. I've been dealing with two estates, her belongings, his belongings etc. At the moment I feel lost. I miss him soooo much and the pain is getting to me. Everyone says I am the strongest person they know...they just don't see it. I don't let people see much. But I keep busy. I went right back to all my normal activities: choir, garden club, old school friends...everyone feels they have to get me out of the house doing something...so I go. I do have a good time...but I always end up back home alone. That is the hard part. My children live out of state, so I'm here and they are there and.....my doctor says maybe I should try going to a bereavement group...but I don't think I want to talk in public...I would just start crying... Don't get the wrong idea...I do not cry all the time. I thought I was getting "better", but now it all seems to be coming back...I'm rambling, sorry about that. I'm going to go for now and hope I can make some friends here. I read a lot of your posts and can see myself in so many of them and it gives me hope of better days ahead.   Jean

Zylen

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Re: I'm new here...
« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2012, 09:01:07 PM »
Hi Jean,

Sorry about your loss, and sorry you have to be here, but you have definitely found a great site full of supporting and understanding people.

No one is going to get the wrong idea, and there is never a reason to be sorry for rambling. We all do it, as it really seems to help sometimes.

Take care and a big hug for you,

((((((((((Jean)))))))))

Kevin


arthur

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Re: I'm new here...
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2012, 11:17:29 PM »
Hi Jean..I am so sorry for the loss of your mom and husband in the space of a few months. What horrible losses to bear so close together.  I think just coming to this site and letting everyone know how you feel is a a help and a big 1st step in dealing with your grief.   Welcome to the only club you'll ever belong to where no one want to be a member of!  I think as Kevin says its ok to cry and rant as you express yourself here...not only ok but necessary in my book. I cry everyday for my wife who died a little over a year ago.**Crying is mandatory**!! Take care of yourself , arthur (((((Jean)))))

angie

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Re: I'm new here...
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2012, 12:54:02 AM »
Hi Jean

Sorry for the loss of your husband and your mum xxx

You have come to a good place.Feel free to ramble like Kevin says it helps.Feel free to rant n let off steam too.Whatever it takes.

People here care n there is always someone to listen.Sadly we are all on this horrible journey but with each others help and support we  will make it thro.

HUGE HUGS
Love
Angie
XXXXX

johnkmurray

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Re: I'm new here...
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2012, 09:09:38 AM »
Jean,

Welcome to WebHealing. I am sorry for your losses, especially two such losses so close together. Losing one's soulmate is difficult enough. I know, as I lost my wife to cancer just over two years ago. Keeping busy is good, but like you I found that no matter how much I enjoyed the time with friends it always comes down to me returning to this empty house full of memories. Don't be too hard on yourself. Working through grief takes time and your loss is relatively recent. Feel free to share your thoughts, feelings, rants, or whatever you are inspired to share here - no worries.

John

stampingwidow

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Re: I'm new here...
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2012, 03:12:44 PM »
Hello Jean,  My husband died Dec. 10th.  Life is difficult right now.  I miss him so much.  Friends & family have been supportive but no one can fill the gap in my life.  I have found attending grief support groups helpful.  I have completed one 6 week program sponsored by hospice and am completing a 6 week Grief Gathering program.  In neither of these groups is anyone pressured to participate.  You are free to say as little or as much as you are comfortable with.   One benefit has been the learning of what is normal for a grieving person to experience.  It has been wonderful to discuss problems with people who actually understand what I am going through.  It has been helpful to look at situations from the perspectives of others.  It has been helpful to learn that everyone grieves differently.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  It is helpful to feel the support from others in the group, I do not feel quite as alone.  A few of the people in the first group are continuing to meet once a month.  We go out to lunch, and talk.  It seems to help.  I was not real impressed by either of these groups in the beginning.  The benefits seem to develop over time.  Perhaps that is why a recent video encouraged grieving people to attend at least three times before giving up on a group.  Attending these groups is hard work.  It is work to examine our feelings and deal with the grief but it helps us to face things that we might have avoided and help us on this grief journey.

We all have our good days & our bad days.  Some days some little thing stirs up our emotions.  In the beginning I was numb and that gave me a false sense of security.  Now I seem to feel things more deeply but the periods of intense grief are a little shorter and are beginning to be spaced out a little further.  Our lives will never return to our old normal and it is painful to realize that.  Our job is to work on developing what our new normal will be, but that takes time.

When my husband died, I was over committed to too many volunteer jobs.  I could not handle them & the loss of my husband.  I resigned from almost every thing.  Now I am starting to take on simple jobs within my Church but not the demanding leadership roles that I had before.  I tend to be forgetful and easily distracted at this time so it is not a good time to be a leader.  My faith is still intact.  It and my Church family have given me much support.  The Lord has answered many of my prayers.  Everyone has to handle these things in their own way.  Right now it is comforting to me to spend more time at home but I am not a recluse.  It is helpful to spend time with others and to focus on things other than my grief.  Sometimes coming home from outside events is painful and lonely.  We each need to find a balance suited to us at  a particular time.

This is a great site and very helpful.  It is good that you found it.  It is s site you can access at any time.  A grief group has much more limited contact but the contact is face to face and with a leader to facilitate our sharing.  I have found both helpful on this difficult journey.  I hope you find ways to receive help too.  Ann


gaberax

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Re: I'm new here...
« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2012, 09:11:29 PM »
Sorry for your losses, Jean.  Your husband and his mother. 
I believe you will find support, help and love here from those going through similar losses.
((((Jean))))

Welcome home.
Bob

MyLou

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Re: I'm new here...
« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2012, 05:04:47 AM »
Hi Jean,

I am so sorry for the loss of your huband and mother in law.  I am happy that you found us we will help you.

As you know this is a very hard journey. If you want to yell , cry , get mad to it all we are here.

Take baby steps, one second, minute , hour a time.  There are times you will fall and thats OK , then you try the next day.

Don't be hard on yourself and you to take care of you.

Welcome to Our Family.

((((((((((((((((( JEAN ))))))))))))))))


Always,

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

rayinsc

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Re: I'm new here...
« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2012, 07:57:10 AM »
Jean,
The very fact that you are reaching out now is a great sign that you recognize your experience, the loneliness, and the pain you are feeling is not something you want to continue.  You are trying to find reason and peace for and from what has happened.

When my wife died, I rejected all advice to seek grief counseling.  I was tough and could handle it myself.  Finally I decided to go to a Hospice sponsored drop in group, that was two months ago. 

What I found there is that I was not unique in my pain.  I was not 'odd' as I envisioned other people seeing me as as I grieved.  Like you, I did not want other people to see me cry and I was uncomfortable in the notion to talk about my feelings in public.

Well, the group is not public.  It is a collection of people trying to understand their feelings and find peace in their lives.  They share their experience so that each can learn from the other, as well as they from themselves.

While attending the drop in group, I have seen many people who come, like you, several months after losing a loved one.  Without exception, these people have all agreed that they should have started sooner.  They early on realize that they have been repressing and misunderstanding their feelings, and that group sharing helps them 'recover'.

There have been many times that I too thought I was getting 'better', only to have the raw emotion reappear.  What I have learned is that I am getting better, it is just that I had forgotten how bad it was earlier in the journey.  We are like the marathon runner who hits the exhaustion wall at some point in the race.  We know it hurts, our body is in pain, but we also know that to continue, the pain will subside and we will finish the race.  To understand that there will be periods of intense sadness is not losing the battle, it is just part of the process to understand ourselves and our losses.  We must confront it to understand it.

There are groups that lean to the religious, others that do not.  For group to help, you need to find one that supports your belief system.  Group may not be for you, but until you try it, you will never know.

Oh, when I first attended, I did not speak other then to say I preferred not to speak.  The next week, I spoke a bit more about what was going on with me, and the next I opened up even more.  I still hold back some things, but I do feel comfortable in discussing most of what is causing me pain.  Lately, I have considered not going, I tell myself that I do not need it anymore, but I go and find that I still need the group format, not as much as early on, but it is still of value.  If you decide to go to a group, give it a try for at least two times.

Whatever you do, be assured here, a pseudo group, you will be welcomed and supported.

Ray
Ray in Santa Cruz

Jean D

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Re: I'm new here...
« Reply #9 on: May 19, 2012, 08:22:45 AM »
Thank you everyone for your kindness and support. Some days I know I am making progress and other days I feel I have made no progress at all. Besides handling the stress and grief, I am doing so much I have never done before. Ben and I would have been married 40 years this past March (boy was that hard to handle)... here I am 60 years old and I have never lived by myself, or handled my own finances or paid my own bills. Oh, I have always worked and made a good living, but it was Ben who handled all that stuff.  I fell in my yard this week and scraped my knee and elbow...it made me realize how alone I am. There was no one to clean me up or help me up and I really had to take care of me. Just one more life lesson of I need to step up and be an independent woman.

I am fortunate to have my family, my church family, my choir family, my garden family, my school alumnae family....I am loved and fortunate in that they care and take care for me. And now I have a new online family and I look forward to getting to know you, take care of and support each other.

The one part I have down pat...Arthur said that crying is mandatory...I've got that covered (*said with a slight grin*). I will also consider attending a group. From some of the replies here and other things I have read, many folks felt it helped them. I don't see it, but then again, there is a lot of stuff I don't see right now and I probably owe it to myself to check it out.

Thanks to one and all...I look forward to more discussions with you....
Jean

sonya

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Re: I'm new here...
« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2012, 05:18:48 AM »
Welcome Jean,

I am so sorry that you have to be here and so pleased that you have found this site. We are all here to listen and to help each other as best we can. The support that I have had on here is amazing and continues to be.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and mother-in-law. I hope that you share as often as you like and find the comfort here that I have.

Look forward to hearing more about your husband and his mother whenever you are ready to share.

(((((((((((Jean))))))))))))

Son xxx
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

browneyedgirl

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Re: I'm new here...
« Reply #11 on: May 21, 2012, 10:23:46 AM »
(((Jean))))

 I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband and mother in law.  As you can see you have come to the right place.  There are many here who understand your pain, and we all care. Feel free to post as much and as often as you like.

And yes, we are like a family!  ;)  You are most welcome here. 
Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

roseygirl61

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Re: I'm new here...
« Reply #12 on: May 24, 2012, 02:57:28 AM »
Hi Jean,

Sorry for the loss of your husband and mother in law, it is a hard, long journey ahead for you, but you will find great support and love on this site. With no one to judge how bad or good you are feeling at any time.
Take baby steps, one day at a time, and know that sometimes it is one step forward and 10 steps back.
Welcome, although I wish none of us had to be here...........

Rose

browneyedgirl

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Re: I'm new here...
« Reply #13 on: June 01, 2012, 09:43:34 AM »
Jean ~ how are you doing?  Please post if you like.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Jean D

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Re: I'm new here...
« Reply #14 on: June 05, 2012, 09:33:19 AM »
Hi Browneyedgirl, My first instinct is to say "I'm fine...doing best I can" But the truth of the matter is I have not been fine the last few days. Coming up on the 6 month anniversary on Friday of Ben being gone. I miss him so much, I hurt so much and all I say is I am fine...doing the best I can. This past weekend I gave my son Ben's SUV and I've given about 8 or 9 bags of clothes to charity, but past that I have not cleaned out stuff. My house looks like such a wreck.  I did not anticipate that giving away the SUV would effect me, but I think it has added to how I feel.

On the plus side, I continue to be involved with my choir and church, volunteer at the public garden, attended the reunion at my college, and started some new projects at my very part time job. When I am doing those things I am mostly ok. It is the public side that all my friends see...or that I let them see. I try to keep busy...but when I am alone at home, that is when I have most of my issues. I need to clean this place up, throw or give stuff away, but I have no ambition to do it. I'm sure I will soon. Thank you for asking after me. It is so kind of you to reach out.
Jean