Blew It Big Time But Still Here: Why?!

[helene]

Ok so I really blew it at work yesterday. Got drunk right on the job. Vaguely remembered being seated in the boss's office asking him, point blank: "Am I fired?" and vaguely hearing him say'no' but he was phoning my husband to pick me up. Next thing I know I'm in the car with my husband going down one of our downtown streets and I said to him: 'Pull over! Let me out! I want to be alone!" So he did. I walked (or, more like, stumbled) down along the waterfront in a vague direction towards 'home' and smoked like a chimny all the way. I tried to smile and say 'hi' to a passerby but he looked at me briefly like I was vermin and I suppose I was. Managed to get back to my house. Husband was fixing dinner. I wished him Bon appetite and fell into my bed. Selpt some then woke and went outside to smoke some more cigarettes. Then went back to bed. Got up - it was still light out - around 8:00. Husband was in the back room - his room - reading. I went back outside and smoked another wack of cigarettes, this time praying to the Almighty Whatever to just let me DIE. As I deeply sucked in the smoke of cigarette after cigarette I asked again and again: "Just let me DIE! Give me Cancer like my Dad. Hell, he went at 46 and here I am nearly 49! What the F is going on here?! Did I ask to live this long? No!!! So give me a break and let me die." So, instead of dying I went back to sleep. Must have been around 8:00. Woke up a million times during the night. Got up at 7:00. Made the coffee. Made my sandwich for work. Brought in the trash can from the previous night's garbage pick up. Then told my husband I was leaving early. Got into work 1/2 hour early. Talked again with the boss. Asked again if he was going to fire me. He said no. It wasn't his way to kick people when they were down but the wine bit at work had to stp." Understandable. I am lucky to work in such a place as this. Most other bosses would have kicked my sorry fired ass to kingdom come. My husband is probably up by now and assuming that, if he hasn't heard from my by now I either a) still have a job or b) am off somewhere in a gutter with a bottle in a aper bag and, oh yes, don't forget the cigarettes!

Thanks for liestneing and being thre for me.

[browneyedgirl]

(((((((((((helene)))))))))))))))))

[Terry]

(((((Helene)))))

I truly believe that although these are dark hours you're living through, that it won't stay dark forever. Maybe you're not there yet, but when we hit rock bottom we have nowhere to go but up.

It will get better, friend. Please believe that.

We know now that conjuring up all of the evil in your past has done you no good, at all. Let's not go there for awhile. Not until you feel stronger. I commend you for opening those doors as that work is very difficult. I think that maybe you were anticipating a two-fold solution; letting out the skeletons and confronting them and also trying to find a way to make sense of it all.

Sometimes, people with their complex personalities and dysfunctional lifestyles are beyond our scope of understanding. And, we may never find the "why" to it all and that's where another difficult challenge comes in.....having to accept that and try to move forward the best we can.

Always here for you.

Love,
Terry

[helene]

Terry:

BIG PROBLEM HERE: i DON'T REMEMBER!!!! I don't remember huge swaths of my childhood! Neither did Lesley. She died from that. I know that if a FACT regarding Lesley.

I now feel myself struggling for my life. How odd this is when things continue, in so many ways, to 'appear' so 'normal' on the surface - even when I am in major CRISIS!! Nothing like keeping that stiff upper lip and putting a lid on it all just for propriety's sake.

You know, you are not the first to suggest that I may NEVER fiind out what REALLY happened to Lesley and I. You are however, only the SECOND person to come along and suggest this to me. My new therapist, Renee, who's great! - suggested this last week. You, Terry, and Renee, are brilliant and wonderful people. In fact, all of you here at Webhealing are brilliant and wonderful and I sure as hell don't say that lightly coming from my pathetic background.


Night, night, Y'all!


Love from Helene.