hello all.
well as the topic says, grief ebbs and flows. what that means i still have yet to accept. i can go for a few weeks without tears and have hope again for my future and am not so sad, but just within the last couple of days it has slowly made its sad appearance again. i miss my mom again. although this time i feel homesick and low. not enough to really bring me down, just a nagging feeling of sadness that is here to accept. i hate having to accept the finality of my moms death and how it has forever changed me. ive learned so much about who i am in the past 7 months , my grief has broken my heart and hopes of what i used to believe in. i admit i was super nieve to think life wasnt hard. i always wanted it to be easy, but to lose your mom, your support, your friend who loved you no matter what.... is just so so hard and sad.
i knew that my feelings were creeping up again the last few days and wanted to forget about them. also my husband was getting home from work this past few days and we decided to go out dancing to celebrate his belated birthday. we had a great time and way too many drinks, and a hangover later, i feel worse than ever about drinking and it makes it no better for my feelings.
i was getting sick in the toilet and felt sooooo guilty for drinking that my mom who didnt choose cancer had to undergo treatment with chemo and didnt choose to get sick all day yet i self inflicted my sickness, ugh i just felt guilty, guilty guilty, for even getting another day of life, when she fought for her life!! what a shitty lesson to learn that maybe drinking can wait until ive gotten ahold of whatever it is im trying to get ahold of. i understand my feelings are sensitve even when they arent showing. i have been doing great these days, but for a long while i have learned that i need to cry lots and often, and if i dont well its gonna show up unexoectedly, i just know im fighting it somedays. i got to stop doing that.
but other than that, life has been good to me so far, i really hope all of you out in grief land are getting some much needed breaks from your sadness, even if for a split second, a smile or happy thought is yours.
thanks for listening.
melody