Author Topic: it ebbs and flows?  (Read 2350 times)

IMUM

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it ebbs and flows?
« on: April 22, 2012, 12:21:21 PM »
hello all.
well as the topic says, grief ebbs and flows. what that means i still have yet to accept. i can go for a few weeks without tears and have hope again for my future and am not so sad, but just within the last couple of days it has slowly made its sad appearance again. i miss my mom again. although this time i feel homesick and low. not enough to really bring me down, just a nagging feeling of sadness that is here to accept. i hate having to accept the finality of my moms death and how it has forever changed me. ive learned so much about who i am in the past 7 months , my grief has broken my heart and hopes of what i used to believe in. i admit i was super nieve to think life wasnt hard. i always wanted it to be easy, but to lose your mom, your support, your friend who loved you no matter what.... is just so so hard and sad.

i knew that my feelings were creeping up again the last few days and wanted to forget about them. also my husband was getting home from work this past few days and we decided to go out dancing to celebrate his belated birthday. we had a great time and way too many drinks, and a hangover later, i feel worse than ever about drinking and it makes it no better for my feelings.
i was getting sick in the toilet and felt sooooo guilty for drinking that my mom who didnt choose cancer had to undergo treatment with chemo and didnt choose to get sick all day yet i self inflicted my sickness, ugh i just felt guilty, guilty guilty, for even getting another day of life, when she fought for her life!! what a shitty lesson to learn that maybe drinking can wait until ive gotten ahold of whatever it is im trying to get ahold of. i understand my feelings are sensitve even when they arent showing. i have been doing great these days, but for a long while i have learned that i need to cry lots and often, and if i dont well its gonna show up unexoectedly, i just know im fighting it somedays. i got to stop doing that.
but other than that, life has been good to me so far, i really hope all of you out in grief land are getting some much needed breaks from your sadness, even if for a split second, a smile or happy thought is yours.
thanks for listening.


melody

Doug1222

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Re: it ebbs and flows?
« Reply #1 on: April 22, 2012, 04:48:30 PM »
Melody, I'm so happy to see you post. I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were doing. It sounds like you're doing as good as can be expected.

I'm glad hubby's home again. It sounds like you had a good time even though you had too many drinks. Don't be too hard on yourself for the hangover. It happens. At least you got to go out dancing.

I'm glad to hear from you, and I'm doing ok these days. Like you said, it ebbs and flows. Right now's pretty good, though. I hope you keep getting better, too.
((((((((Melody))))))))

Doug

IMUM

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Re: it ebbs and flows?
« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2012, 11:45:14 AM »
Melody, I'm so happy to see you post. I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were doing. It sounds like you're doing as good as can be expected.

I'm glad hubby's home again. It sounds like you had a good time even though you had too many drinks. Don't be too hard on yourself for the hangover. It happens. At least you got to go out dancing.

I'm glad to hear from you, and I'm doing ok these days. Like you said, it ebbs and flows. Right now's pretty good, though. I hope you keep getting better, too.
((((((((Melody))))))))

Doug


hi there Doug. yes i am well ,thanks,  although the feelings became more intense today, i got some out and cried. crying does help me lots. its like i have to release often just to keep sane. otherwise im irritated and then i get sad. i know not eveyone will go thru exactly what i am feeling, but just to have anyone acknowledge my feelings is good enough. i hate to cry, for me it seems unnatural cause i havent cried in so long and when im doing well i hate to start over again, well thats what it feels like... 2 steps forward 3 steps back, but nonetheless, progress, cause i know what to expect and know why im feeling this way. acceptance is the hardest part. and i thought i was such and accepting person. guess this will make me a better person in the long run.its just really hard to always come back to the feelings again.but each time they mean something different. i must of had a lot of thoughts up in this head of mine while i watched my mom slowly decline then die, well actually its become very clear i did. im just voicing all of those feeling now. who knew we were made this way. i didnt, up until now. thanks for your understanding. hope all is well with you and your family:)
thanks for the reply.

melody

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: it ebbs and flows?
« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2012, 06:31:39 AM »

(((((((Melody)))))))

It (grief) does sneak up on us and when we think we're accepting and have worked so hard. And, it's always going to be that way because we're living without someone we loved and cared so much for, how can it not be?

I can relate because I, too have those days where I will wake up crying, so hard and try to think what special meaning that particular day might hold, especially when I am so upset and I discover that there doesn't have to be a reason to bring me right back to crying so hard and hurting so bad. Not a special reason as in a date. The reason for me is, I miss my Dad so much that I still can't see straight some days. I still cry and always will, for my children. There is just such a big hole in my heart that no one can ever fill. And, although I still have a granddaughter, my surviving son's daughter and a sister, I have to admit that the ones I cared for most, the ones that mattered most....are gone. My Father was the last. He was always there for me, through every up and down in my life since as far back as I can remember.

We're left with memories and a life we're meant to live so we live each day the best we can and take their love with us, wherever we go. We can live through them, also. Through the love they blessed us with. We can love others the way they loved us.

Know I understand and am always here for you.

Love,
Terry