Author Topic: Spring Check In  (Read 4460 times)

jasonkl

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Re: Spring Check In
« Reply #15 on: April 15, 2012, 08:41:28 AM »
Hi all I guess this a good of topic as any for me bare my soul and let it all out. I though I had found the magic wand I was looking for. I found away to get rid of the pain, to not feel so lonely, so lost so hurt. I am sure by my last few post you have all concluded what everyone else in my life has thought. That I found a girlfriend. I have not, but I have made a mess of things. I found someone who wanted to be more than friends and I have been told that I miss lead them. I did not think I was doing any thing wrong just talking to another person. The signs were all there. I just did not want to see them. The guilt I felt talking to her. The random texts she would send me. The things she would say. The talking for hours at a time all the time.  Bringing me coffee at work. I guess you could say I used her. I used her to distract me from my pain. I could stop the pain while talking to her. It would all go away and as soon as we were done talking with in less than a hour I would be crying my eyes out. I told her this. I was honest about it all. She said she understood. That it was ok. But some where a long the way she got the wrong idea. Maybe it was because I greed to meet her for lunch. Maybe it was because I replied back when she sent me a message. maybe it was because i spent so much of my time talking with her. What ever it was I feel it was my fault. I found someone just as broken as me and some where in my head I knew it and I did not stop it before it got out of hand. I was selfish. I hurt someone because I was hurting and just wanted the pain to stop.

We had a nice long talk about this, she said it was her fault too. That she new I wasn't ready. That I still acted like I was married. She basiclly said she was doing the same thing as me. We have agreed to back off and remain friends.

Just one more part of my journey. Wanted to just be a normal unmarried person. But in my mind I am still married. My heart still belongs to Jen. How much I just want to be done with this pain, with this loss. I want to be able to live, yet every day I feel like I am getting worse. Maybe some day this will all be over and just the mention of her name will not bring me to my knees.
Jason

rayinsc

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Re: Spring Check In
« Reply #16 on: April 15, 2012, 09:34:01 AM »
Jason,
It is not important what others think or say about what you did or did not do.  In your own words you stated you and your friend admitted each knew what was going on and in the end realized the relationship was premature, if not impossible.  Of most importance is you and she amicably reconciled your relationship, and that is the good part of the experience, the ability to separate the real from the desired and remain friends.

Others here, myself included, have or desire to reach out beyond our grief for 'normality'.  As some posted here about your connection to another woman, there was caution.  Perhaps their insight was from their own experiences with a relationship with the opposite sex.

Whether it is grief from a death, or divorce, or whatever causes us pain, we desire to escape from that pain.  It is a normal human response.

The fact that you took steps to reach out, found it for awhile, then realized where the other person was was not where you were, shows you care, not that you mislead.

There will be more occurrences like this in the months ahead as there were in your past.  Acceptance, rejection, misunderstandings in forming a new relationship are just part of the process, a part that we conveniently forget.

I am looking forward to the time I can take those same 'dangerous' steps as I did in my youth and as I did when I first met my wife.  To not step out of my comfort zone (yes, even grief can be a comfort zone) is to accept emptiness and loneliness as happiness based on memories, rather then developing new experiences which leads to new, and hopefully happy new memories. 

In my life, as in my wife's life, we often reflected or related to our life's experience.  That included discussing our previous spouses.  To ignore the time we spent with these other people in our lives would have been to ignore a part of us.

As I move forward, there will be a time when the memories of my wife will no longer hurt to the point I stop looking for new companionship and for the happiness and sorrow that endeavor can bring.  To not reach out only means I will never find it and life will be so much less then what it can and should be.

Just my two cents from a guy who has had a bad couple of days to the point I could not do much about anything.
Ray in Santa Cruz

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: Spring Check In
« Reply #17 on: April 15, 2012, 09:56:03 AM »

Jason,

It was a learning experience. For both of you. The pain doesn't just 'go away' because you meet someone and if that's what you expected, I guess it was the reason you were so disappointed.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're trying and doing the best 'you' know how. No one can ever judge you for that. No one can ever judge you for anything.

All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to keep them out of our mouth, which is not always easy because we're human. Your loss is still so new, Jason. It really hasn't been that long. Maybe you're expecting too much from yourself?

Remember, baby steps and one day at a time.

Always here for you, buddy.

(((((((Jason)))))))

Love,
Terry

Halfpint

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Re: Spring Check In
« Reply #18 on: April 15, 2012, 05:09:35 PM »
This is an incredibly thoughtful idea for a thread, thank you Browneyedgirl for caring. I know I dropped out but I have still been reading, just not sharing much. March 17 was the 10 month mark, and April 1st was our wedding anniversary. I have become adjusted to being alone, though I miss Joe more everyday. Mostly I am just fumbling through life day by day but I have found some peace in the memories of our time together.

browneyedgirl

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Re: Spring Check In
« Reply #19 on: April 16, 2012, 09:11:41 AM »
(((Lisa))))

(((Jason)))

(((Susan))))
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

gaberax

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Re: Spring Check In
« Reply #20 on: April 16, 2012, 05:06:43 PM »
I am still around.  I just passed the 9 month mark since Denise passed.  I am in the new condo and it is starting to look like a regular home.  I have been dating a woman (whose background is similar to mine, divorced, widowed, a child) and she is very nice.  It is nice to look forward to a weekend evening...having dinner, talking, laughing.  And, yes, I am broken a bit but so is she.  We can help each other along, for a spell.

Like Jason mentioned in a previous message, I have learned a lot about myself and my relationship with Denise since I started dating.  I will NEVER forget Denise, neither will the pain of losing her ever leave me. She will always be my love.  So I honor that love.  It is the greatest thing to ever happen to me.  But I may have many more years ahead and I cannot live alone, I just can't, and I can't stay where I have been for the last year (emotionally.)  I am just not strong enough to keep going like I have been going. It will kill me.

There is no blueprint of this journey of grief. Just a vague description of the road ahead brought back by those who have previously walked it.  And I, for one, have had no idea what to expect, in the beginning or going into the future.    At this point, I am grateful for the precious time that I had with Denise.  I am also grateful for all of the people I have met and who have helped me along.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and everyone of you who have shared, consoled and supported me via this site the last 9 months.  I literally would not have made it without each and every one of you,

rayinsc

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Re: Spring Check In
« Reply #21 on: April 16, 2012, 06:36:48 PM »
Bob, for awhile, you had me worried that you had given up on life.  I am pleased to see that you found the strength to step out and get on with living.  There will be ups and downs ahead, but you will prevail.  In my opinion, it takes a lot of strength to do what you have done for the past months, and to some extent a lot more to do what you are now doing.

Take care.   
Ray in Santa Cruz

Terry

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Re: Spring Check In
« Reply #22 on: April 16, 2012, 09:22:56 PM »

One month is a terrible time and my time there is still fresh in my mind.  As I approach the two month mark, somehow it seems not so terrible, still bad, but not so terrible.


Ray,

How raw your pain is still and what a blessing that we can be grateful for 'shock' as it allows the body and mind to absorb (what it is able to, due to the depth of our pain) the unthinkable pain that accompanies the loss of a spouse. It allows us to continue to function before the reality of what has happened, sneaks in.

I would love to hear more about your wife, when you are comfortable sharing. I understand how difficult these early weeks, months and even years can be when we've experienced such a traumatic loss.

Also, if you need help with posting a picture of the two of you, I would be happy to help you.

I'm glad you are continuing to benefit from the group meetings and you have been blessed to find a great group of people here on Spouse Loss. Everyone is so supportive and understanding with one another. They all understand the unbearable pain when losing a spouse, as you do, also. I know it takes time, Ray. Please share at your own pace. I just want you to know that we understand.

If there is anything we can do, please let us know.

You have my love and understanding,
Terry

browneyedgirl

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Re: Spring Check In
« Reply #23 on: April 17, 2012, 09:02:59 AM »
(((((Bob)))))))  Thank you for sharing - your love for Denise is so clear in your words.


(((Ray))))
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Spring2012

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Re: Spring Check In
« Reply #24 on: April 17, 2012, 02:27:52 PM »
Today is my three month date. I have my balloon ready for this evening at 11:00 P.M. -- the exact hour that he passed. I am still kind of all over the map. Rough week because we are planning a celebration of life for June 2/12. Feeling saddened because I met a friend today that lost her husband LAST SUNDAY. He was diagnosed on Feb 17/ 12 . -- Two months for them to prepare for this. I told her that we would keep in touch. She seemed to be in the same kind of fog that I remember all to well !!!

Take care --

Spring 
Good-night ! good-night !
As we so oft have said
Beneath this roof at midnight, in the days that are no more, and shall no more return.
Thou hast but taken up thy lamp and gone to bed;
I stay a little longer, as one stays
To cover up the embers that still burn.

sonya

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Re: Spring Check In
« Reply #25 on: April 21, 2012, 09:45:29 AM »
Hi All,

reading this thread after a bit of an absense I see some deep hu of course, but also some big shifts in where people are which makes me feel really good. Its great to hear that some of you are moving to a better place in this journey.

As for me...I had a really hard time of things when I had to return to Kenya for a few weeks to sort out my stuff, sell furniture, close bank accounts etc.
Although I knew it might bring back those awful first days I really wasnt prepared for it at all. It felt like a flashback to where I had been, only after 7 months of exhausting grieving. I ended up in the darkest of places and seriously considered ending it all. Planned to do it on my return so that I wouldnt inconvenience anyone.

I feel ashamed of that now. Tone died of suicide and I know the huge pain and guilt that that has left us holding.

I needed time away from here to regroup and get to a better place and am really pleased to say that I have managed to do that.

Took out all the self-help books in the library and now on book No 6.
Implemented lots of the strategies and found the ones that suit me and seem to work for me. Affirmations and gratitude lists seem the most affective for me.

I am now in a better place and so have found my way back here.

I hope in some small way to be able to thank you all for saving me and supporting me through what is the hardest time i hope i will ever have to bear.

Thank you all

Son xxx
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy