Author Topic: Not good today  (Read 4177 times)

Mommysbabygirl

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Not good today
« on: January 30, 2012, 10:31:36 AM »
Just sort of venting today. I've been feeling a lot of anxiety lately. I am on anti-depressants which usually prevents that, but today they are not working. It's been a little over a year since my Mom passed and I feel right now I am stuck in anger. I don't cry much because I'm too mad. At her and myself. I think she knew that she wasn't going to get better, but didn't want to tell us. I was caring for her the last 6 months of her life so I felt betrayed. I don't understand why she would do that. I never expected that from her. I thought she would tell me. She started telling me a week before she passed. I knew something was wrong then. Why would you tell me this now when there is probably nothing that I can do to fix it? I'm too angry to miss her at times. I feel like I have no right to be angry and can't really express how I feel. I feel like I will get in trouble for really being angry. Today is just a bad day. I'm trying to work, but I really just want to lay my head down and go to sleep. I want to go home and just lay in the bed till tomorrow morning. I just want to disappear and run away again. I feel like I am not completly taking care of myself right now and that's where the anxiety is coming from, but I'm afraid to fix it. I don't want to be lonely, but I know I deserve better.

browneyedgirl

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Re: Not good today
« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2012, 02:05:30 PM »
So very sorry that you're having a hard time today.

All I have to offer is that it's OKAY to be angry.  I was angry for months, and I didn't even know why - other than the obvious.  I took it out on everyone, as well.  But there came a time when it eased, it never went away, though....

I am not a parent, so I am not sure why your mom would have kept it from you - other than I think moms and dads have a sense of duty to protect their children from everything - perhaps that was what she was doing.....or maybe she was too scared to share it with you.

lots of love.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Terry

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Re: Not good today
« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2012, 06:14:38 PM »

I understand your anger. I am angry since my Dad died, December 18th but with the disease of Alzheimer's that took him. Speaking as a mother, we try to protect our children from the pains that life brings to them as we know they are going to experience it, sooner or later. She may have wanted to spend quality time with you and not see the fear, the pain or the sadness in your eyes when you were around her, and whenever you looked at her. I know that I would want to spare my son for as long as I could, until it was no longer possible because I would want to see him continue with his life and be as happy as he could be.

Just speaking as a mother....and as moms, we are human. Our kids tend to expect so much more from us. To always make the right decisions and at the right time, but we do the best we can and it's always due to the love we feel for them.

I didn't know your Mom but she sounded like a great woman and one who loved you dearly.

Hoping you find a way to work through the anger. It's not easy.

Always here for you.
Love,
Terry

Mommysbabygirl

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Re: Not good today
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2012, 11:26:39 AM »
I've been having a hard time lately. I wan't to cry, but can't seem to do it. I just want to sleep all the time, I get to work late, and when I am there I stare off into space for most of the day. I someone still get my work done. I have no motivation to do much of anything. No appetite. I feel like I am going backwards instead of getting better. I'm second guessing myself and i'm paranoid all the time. I fake being happy or excited about things because that's what your suppose to do. I feel like maybe I'm not trying hard enough to feel better. Why does everyone else appears ok with the loss and I'm struggling. I eat to feel better. I shop to feel better. I am in a relationship with someone that I would have never said 2 words to. I sometimes wonder why he is even with me. I don't stand up for myself so I think he and others take advantage of that. I'm too depressed to see it and too scared to change it.

Terry

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Re: Not good today
« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2012, 12:47:50 AM »
(((((((((Mommysbabygirl))))))))

I'm so sorry things aren't going well for you right now. I understand doing 'things' to feel better or even, just different. The pain can get to us, sometimes.
I've been having a hard time lately. I wan't to cry, but can't seem to do it. I just want to sleep all the time, I get to work late, and when I am there I stare off into space for most of the day. I someone still get my work done. I have no motivation to do much of anything. No appetite. I feel like I am going backwards instead of getting better. I'm second guessing myself and i'm paranoid all the time. I fake being happy or excited about things because that's what your suppose to do. I feel like maybe I'm not trying hard enough to feel better. Why does everyone else appears ok with the loss and I'm struggling. I eat to feel better. I shop to feel better. I am in a relationship with someone that I would have never said 2 words to. I sometimes wonder why he is even with me. I don't stand up for myself so I think he and others take advantage of that. I'm too depressed to see it and too scared to change it.

When is the last time you had a physical? I ask because grief can zap our immune systems and knock us off balance, physically as well as emotionally. If you're not eating and feeling worse than you have been, I would definitely think about getting checked out by your family doctor. You have to eat or you'll get very sick.

Everyone appears OK because their world hasn't been thrown upside down, the way ours has. It's hard for others to relate to the deep pain we are in and makes it difficult for us to share with those close to us. Wearing that mask and pretending that everything is alright, get's old real quick. It's important that we talk about our feelings and if there's no one there to talk with when you really need to, write them down in a journal. Come on here, anytime day or night and someone will hear you.

I'll be around this weekend if you want to meet in the chat room. Just send me a private message with the time, and I'll meet you in there. It may help.

I had a long week at the office and I'm going to be staying home and working in the gardens. Need to take care of myself and rest up this weekend.

Try to eat something. Snack, at least on healthy foods. Some wheat crackers, fruit and drink some juice. Jello is very light and at least it's something in your stomach.

Sending you hugs & understanding,
Love,
Terry

Terry

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Re: Not good today
« Reply #5 on: March 26, 2012, 07:27:38 PM »

How are you doing? Thinking of you tonight.

((((((((Mommysbabygirl)))))))))

Mommysbabygirl

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Re: Not good today
« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2012, 10:01:40 AM »
Thanks Terry for being here for me. I don't know what I'd do with you and everyone's kind words.

I don't think I've been doing too well. My brother came into my new city to meet his girlfriends family. They both live in Vegas, but she is from Minnisota so they came for a visit. He asked me to bake cookies and mac & cheese which are both of my mom's recipies. I did it for him, but it gave me anxiety the whole time. Buying the groceries for the food gave me anxiety. I told him that I can't do it anymore. At least not right now. I think mainly the cookies make me feel that way. The mac & cheese I've made other times and have been ok. So I told him he'll have to let his girlfriend make it for him from now on. He was disappointed, but understood.

I've been trying to learn to stand up for myself more. Not to get so irritated. I've been feeling more sad than usual. The anxiety hasn't left. I feels worse today. I had alcohol which weekend. I know I shouldn't do it, but I just want to escape. I want to forget everything right now and deal with it later.

I started moaning in my sleep. I'm not sure what thats about, but I had never done that before. It started maybe a month ago. Last night was pretty bad. I don't really know whats going on, but I know it's been happening. My bday is this weekend and I took off only Fri and next Mon. I don't know why I didn't take more time for myself, but for holidays I don't feel like celebrating right now I requested over a week. Now I have meetings this week that I don't think I can miss to request more time. I'll have to look into it. I could really use the break.
« Last Edit: April 02, 2012, 10:08:42 AM by Mommysbabygirl »

Terry

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Re: Not good today
« Reply #7 on: April 04, 2012, 10:57:02 PM »

Getting together with family is great and at times a challenge as we are dealing with all of those memories from childhood such as the recipes, etc. Just do what you feel up to doing. I commend you for trying and it sounds like it went well, although you are now in the aftermath of that storm.

It may be that your birthday has a lot to do with how you are feeling right now, don't you think? The anxiety that is worse than usual? Birthdays are very special days. It's a family celebration. Try to do something nice for yourself. Anything that will bring you calm.

Maybe a little time off of work is what you need. We all need different things at different times. Sometimes it's better to keep busy and then others, we really need that down time. Only 'you' know what you need right now and I'm sure you'll make the right choice.

I'm glad you're posting a lot and sharing these things. It's a good thing! Are you getting any exercise? That would help you sleep a little better and it certainly couldn't hurt.

Know I am always here for you. One day at a time and deep breaths.

My Love,
Terry