Author Topic: Dad is dating again ... please, anybody else been there?  (Read 8849 times)

swgirl094

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Dad is dating again ... please, anybody else been there?
« on: April 09, 2012, 10:55:19 AM »
Hi all, well I am back here again as it seems my grief has smacked me in the face again.  It's been 14 or 15 months now since my mom passed away and we just found out that my dad has been dating somebody and lying about her to us for some time. 

This is creating a wave of emotion for me missing my mom, wishing she was here, and just feeling lost again.  I truly want my dad to be happy, and I know my mom would too, and he has been terribly depressed and lonely.  If this new woman makes him happy, then I want him to be happy even if it takes getting used to on my part.  The part that is quite uncomfortable to me is that the new girlfriend is closer to my age than his.  I find myself being mad at him for hiding this from us, for dating again even though I honestly want him to be happy.  I knew he would find somebody some day, and I hope this helps him, but he seems more miserable than ever.

Has anybody been there and can relate to the conflicting emotions?  Thanks.

swgirl094

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Re: Dad is dating again ... please, anybody else been there?
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2012, 10:58:01 AM »
I just wanted to add that he is saying he loves her to this girl and then lying about it to us. ... he also took down all of my mom's pictures.  I try to be understanding that it may be too hard for him to see her pictures, but it is still hurtful to experience from my end ...

Doug1222

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Re: Dad is dating again ... please, anybody else been there?
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2012, 11:22:36 AM »
Has anybody been there and can relate to the conflicting emotions?  Thanks.

Yes, I have. My mom started dating again around three years after my dad died. I felt much of what you're feeling.

It wasn't an identical situation. He's not younger or anything. He's actually quite a bit like my dad. My mom is married to him now.

One thing that really bothered me was the pictures diappearing. I went through that, too. I'm still not sure where all our family pictures went. Walking through their house, it looks like her life started ten years ago. My parents were married for thirty-four years and there isn't a picture of my dad in the house. I'm sure they're packed away somewhere, but that does bother me. 

We get along ok now, though. I wish I had some advice for you, but I really don't. My sister ended up in a big fight with my mom over this and probably won't ever speak to her again. If I had advice, I guess it would just be to hang in there.
(((((((((swgirl094))))))))))

Doug


swgirl094

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Re: Dad is dating again ... please, anybody else been there?
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2012, 11:46:39 AM »
Hi, thanks for your kind words.  It's helpful that I am not alone in these feelings.  One of the hardest things is that it feels so soon still, ya know?  Like she just died yesterday.  We still haven't even buried her - her ashes are in my dad's closet.  If we haven't even been able to bury her yet, how can he already be in love with somebody else?  My parents were married at age 21 and married about 28 years when my mom died.  I can't bear being in his house and seeing the pictures disappear. 

He is struggling so much and I can see it every day.  If this girl made him happy, it would be easier to understand and come to grips with in time.  But he just seems more miserable than before. 

jasonkl

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Re: Dad is dating again ... please, anybody else been there?
« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2012, 04:48:23 AM »
swgirl094 and doug

I lost my wife about 7 months ago saw this and though maybe I could help you understand a little. I am not dating yet but I am 38 years old and do not wish to be alone for the rest of my life. I do not pretend to know your parents reasons for doing what they have done but I can give you the reasons why I could see me doing the same things.

I was to start dating someone I may not tell my kids right away and if asked I may lie about it.  Because I may not feel they are ready to know. Or because I am not ready to answer questions about it. And the biggest one of all because I was not strong enough to stay true to my spouse.

You both asked about pictures, To have pictures of my spouse hanging while I am dating or married to another is kinda disrespectful to the both people. I think it sends the wrong message. To leave the pictures up would tell the new person I am not ready to move forward and for me it would make me feel guilty every time I saw one. Takeing them down also helps me to say that chapter in my life is over, that I can't go back. Would either of you date or not feel a little off if the ones you are in a reationship with had pictures of their old loves hanging all over the place.
These new people in your parents lives already know they are competeing with someone who is not there, someone who will always have a piece of your parents heart.

Swgirl094 I can't tell you why your dad is telling this new woman that but I can tell you what I think. For me I still miss my wife, but what I miss more is the relationship, my wife was in a lot of pain I would not wish to bring her back. But what I do want back is that feeling of knowing someone is there. I want the texts in the middle of the day for no reason, the phone call that when you hear their vocie you forgot why you called. To be able to get lost in another eyes, the holding hands, the hugs that make everything ok. To hold someone again and have nothing else matter while they are in your arms. To talk to someone for hours and not need anything to talk about. For that simple stroke of their hand to send shivers down your spine. To look at another and have your heart skip a beat. And just knowing that the other person feels the same way.I miss being in love. When I lost my wife I did not just lose my sons mom, I lost everything, my best friend , my partner, my adviser, my confadont, my lover. I would give anything to feel those things again.

I hope this helps

Jason

Doug1222

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Re: Dad is dating again ... please, anybody else been there?
« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2012, 08:50:15 AM »
Would either of you date or not feel a little off if the ones you are in a reationship with had pictures of their old loves hanging all over the place.

Jason, to be honest we do have pictures of my wife's first husband out. I'd feel less comfortable if we didn't. He's a part of her and our kids. I don't want all those years of her life to disappear.

Everybody has to do what they have to do, but that's what we've done. I understand what you're saying, but you asked. I completely understand dating again and the rest of it. I'm much more comfortable with the pictures of her whole life on the walls...even the ones from before we met.

Everybody has to do what they have to do, though.

Doug
« Last Edit: April 10, 2012, 01:32:38 PM by Doug1222 »

swgirl094

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Re: Dad is dating again ... please, anybody else been there?
« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2012, 11:28:59 AM »
Thanks Jason for your perspective.  I am trying hard and I logically understand that my dad is probably coming from a very similar place, but from an emotional place it is hard for me to get used to.  I feel so conflicted because I want him to have whatever will give him any relief from his pain, but it feels so soon and makes me really miss my mom ...

Terry

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Re: Dad is dating again ... please, anybody else been there?
« Reply #7 on: April 11, 2012, 07:19:08 AM »

I can understand why you feel the way you do. Some believe that no one had a life before them. What an ego, hugh? And, an unhealthy one at that.

I'm sorry you have been hurt and I also understand that. I see that Doug went through this, too. (bless your heart, Doug) And, all I have to say is; what an ego on some of these people, believing that they alone exist and a life can be erased for their comfort level!!!! I don't know how they sleep at night. Loving is giving. Not taking!

I remember a couple that lived next to my Dad when he had his own home, years ago. They were married 42 years. When Belva died, everyone thought Joe wouldn't last long. Well, he met someone just months afterwards, which surprised and even upset some of his friends, neighbors who were very close to both Joe and Belva. Me and Dad were happy for him and saw it as his business and continued to be friends with him, when others turned their backs on him.

His new wife, Elaine was super. She was a doll. Joe and Belva both played piano and atop the piano were all of the family pictures, most of Joe and Belva in their travels and they traveled a lot. Well, what was so endearing was when Elaine would feather dust the pictures, she would always 'kiss Belva's picture!' Joe said it was one of the reasons he loved her so much. He never took any pictures down as he never had a reason to. Belva was his wife, his life for many, many years. Elaine was his new wife and she accepted that he had a wonderful and memorable life before she came along. Elaine was a very secure person. She was never threatened by Joe's memories, in fact they shared together, his love for Belva.

That was many years ago and Joe and Elaine are still very, very happy!

Wanted to share that story with you. It seems others place a time frame on when someone can fall in love after someone dies. That time differs for us all. But, the difference in this story compared to some horror stories where the new wife/husband wants no memories of their new spouse's past life, is a warm, loving and secure person loves every part of you. Every part of you!!! And, wants to be a part of your memories. Now, that is what I call L O V E !

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all be as blessed as Joe and Elaine? :)

Love,
Terry


Doug1222

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Re: Dad is dating again ... please, anybody else been there?
« Reply #8 on: April 11, 2012, 07:31:36 AM »
Wouldn't it be nice if we could all be as blessed as Joe and Elaine? :)

Love,
Terry

Yes, it would. That's a lovely story that made me smile.

((((((((Terry))))))))))