Author Topic: anniversary  (Read 6566 times)

jasonkl

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anniversary
« on: April 03, 2012, 07:18:31 AM »
Today is April 3. This should have been my 13 wedding anniversary. I should be a wreck right now. I though that I would be unable to post or for that matter see through the tears. Yet here I am. I can say that I am ok today. If any thing I feel guilty for not being overwhelmed with grief. I posted on her Fb page at Midnight, shed  few tears then. But I am functioning today. I though today would be the hardest of the firsts, yet it seems to be the easiest. I find myself at peace today. I do miss her and would give anything to have her back. Maybe this is the begining of acceptance or maybe I am just numb. Only time will tell.

I did get the next rose out, I was going to put my ring on it but when I looked at them I saw that her ring fit perfectly inside mine. So I have decided to continue to wear them around my neck. to remind me she will always be in my heart. Together forever, forever apart.

Jason

rayinsc

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Re: anniversary
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2012, 08:31:37 AM »
I too have faced events or special days where I thought it would be difficult.  Sometimes they are, but more often now they are not.  I do not know why this is so.

I also know that I have, as you, the guilt feelings of not feeling grief.  It to me is a strange emotion, especially given grieving has different faces and is expressed in different ways.  I know for me, I can think about good times, even muster a smile and a warm feeling, and still grieve.  When this happens, there is the sadness, sometimes tears, just not the raw emotion.  I look at it as a step forward, progress in understanding my feelings, guilt while still there, is slowly becoming a lesser issue.

Acceptance comes slowly and in different ways.  For example:  The first 5 weeks following my wife's death, I would fix the blankets and pillows on her side of the bed.  I would sleep only on my side.  Another thing I would do is not use the bathroom off the bedroom, her bathroom.  Now I find I can sleep in the middle of the bed, spread out if you will, and I use the bathroom that was once her domain.  To me this is part of the acceptance she is physically gone forever (although I still adjust the covers and pillows on her side of the bed).

Being at peace with ones feelings is a healthy sign, feeling guilty about it is normal, in time the peace of mind will win out over the guilt.  I am still working toward that goal.

And yes, I do see you as making progress toward acceptance.
Ray in Santa Cruz

browneyedgirl

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Re: anniversary
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2012, 09:44:44 AM »
(((((jason))))

"Together forever forever apart"  :tearyeyed:
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Doug1222

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Re: anniversary
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2012, 10:49:47 AM »
Today is April 3...If any thing I feel guilty for not being overwhelmed with grief.

You are grieving, Jason. It's just taking a different form.

I've also felt the guilt for not grieving enough. I'm starting to accept that what I do is what I do. It's my grief. I'll do whatever feels right to me. You should, too. It sounds to me like you took a huge step forward today. Maybe you're moving into another phase. Maybe you'll take a few steps backwards tomorrow. Either way, we'll be here. I'm glad to hear you're doing ok today.

This was my dad's birthday today, by the way. He would've turned seventy. My birthday was yesterday, so I'll always remember his. He always told me I was his birthday present.

Doug

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: anniversary
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2012, 12:26:11 PM »

Thinking of you, Jason and your Jen today on your Anniversary.

((((((((((Jason))))))))))

Sending love & understanding,
Terry

roseygirl61

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Re: anniversary
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2012, 03:50:55 PM »
Jason,

Thinking of you today..........they are in our hearts always.
Glad to hear you are doing better than you expected.

xoxoxo
Rose

gaberax

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Re: anniversary
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2012, 05:42:31 PM »
May your memories bring you happiness. May your tears be tears of joy.  May you celebrate another year of unending love.  ((((Jason)))

arthur

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Re: anniversary
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2012, 10:08:53 PM »
Hi Jason. I'm glad that it wasn't as bad for you as you thought it would be.  Take care, arthur
((Jason))

MyLou

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Re: anniversary
« Reply #8 on: April 04, 2012, 02:19:45 AM »
[i](((((((((((((((((((((((((((( JASON ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Always,

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

jasonkl

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Re: anniversary
« Reply #9 on: April 04, 2012, 09:10:01 AM »
Thank all for the warm thoughts and hugs.  I have a confession to make. All my guilt yesterday was not just not about not being a wreck. An old acquaintance found me on Face Book. We have been in contact every day for the last 2 weeks. I am not sure what I am doing to be honest. I
feel guilty talking to her. I have told her about my wife,  my struggle with the loss, I have even told her i feel like I am being unfaithful to my wife just talking with her as often as I have. I have been committed to the same person for the last 15 years. I find myself in very unfamiliar place. I am questioning every thing now. Is this wrong? Am I only talking to her because I am so lonely? Am I using her to take the place of my wife/ take my mind off her? Or am I just being human? This is all so confusing.

Thanks for listening

Jason

browneyedgirl

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Re: anniversary
« Reply #10 on: April 04, 2012, 09:20:55 AM »
Jason ~ I would like to say that I do not think that there is a right or wrong answer to these questions you're asking.  That being sad - here is my two cents. 

I do not think that you should feel guilty.  Yes, you're human.  But proceed with caution.  If it doesn't feel right, then do what does feel right.  Sometimes people are placed in our paths for a reason, I think.

lots of love, my friend.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

jasonkl

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Re: anniversary
« Reply #11 on: April 04, 2012, 10:23:32 AM »
Thank you for that I need to hear for someone other than my self.
I do not think that you should feel guilty.  Yes, you're human.  But proceed with caution.  If it doesn't feel right, then do what does feel right.  Sometimes people are placed in our paths for a reason, I think.

I think you are right. She did spend all Sunday night listening to me cry and talk about my wife. And still called the next day. I will be careful.

Jason

rayinsc

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Re: anniversary
« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2012, 10:40:36 AM »
I too find myself questioning things I do, or think, or think I want to do.  I would say this is not an unusual feeling.  Fidelity is ingrained in most relationships, and is one of the things that keeps two people together.  Now you are in a different place and fidelity has a different meaning.  No longer are you bound by mental or physical fidelity, but your mind and inner being has yet to accept that, and that is where guilt comes from.

No one will replace your wife.  She was a unique and special person.  One of a kind, but that does not mean you cannot, or will not find another person to make a new unique relationship with.  It will be different.

The old acquaintance who found you was, and apparently still is a friend of yours, someone who knew you fairly well in the past and from what you have said, still does.  

Having an old friend come forward and help you deal with your loss is not a bad thing, especially if they listen to you.  

Were an old female acquaintance, or even my first wife, to contact me, I would not be afraid or let guilt stop me from conversation with them.  They were after all, someone who in the past I was comfortable with, and a part of my life.

Keep in mind, that you and your friend have been apart for 15 years, and that something then stopped that relationship.  A lot of things have changed in each of your lives over that period.  More often then not, people cannot roll back time to where they were then.  That is to say, most of these relationships do not last the test of time when people realize that what they remember about a person is not who that person is today.

Also be aware that you are in a vulnerable place in your life.  There is an emptiness like you have never experienced, a void that you want to fill.  That feeling, along with guilt and all the other emotions will not soon disappear and those emotions will challenge any relationship, even a Facebook correspondence.  

In my opinion, as long as you find comfort in what you are doing, do it.  I say this only from what my wife told me many times, and that is she did not expect me, or want for me to live the life of a martyr.  

In many ways, I am envious that you have a female friend who can give you the feedback only a female can do.  Just be careful to not put more into this relationship then there is.  That includes the guilt you feel, as well as to the expectations, if any, from what you are doing.

In closing, you asked why you are doing what you are doing.  In my opinion, loneliness is sufficent reason, and that is human.
Ray in Santa Cruz

Doug1222

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Re: anniversary
« Reply #13 on: April 04, 2012, 10:48:38 AM »
I am not sure what I am doing to be honest. I
feel guilty talking to her.

I agree with Pam. There's no reason you should feel guilty. I know it's easy for me to say, but you've met the vows you took. You should only feel guilt if you're doing something wrong. You're not.

You're being a human. I also agree that you should proceed with caution because you're still very vulnerable. There's nothing wrong about you talking with her, though. You're lonely. Talking with your old friend gives you comfort. There's nothing wrong with that.

If it makes you feel better, I say continue doing it.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2012, 10:50:50 AM by Doug1222 »

browneyedgirl

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Re: anniversary
« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2012, 11:31:59 AM »
((((jason))))

Ray - great post!

(((Doug)))
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven