Author Topic: An orphan in my twenties  (Read 7181 times)

Nikki_Bee

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 8
    • View Profile
An orphan in my twenties
« on: March 29, 2012, 05:04:06 AM »
Hi everyone

I am new to this site, and hope to speak to others who are going through what I am going through.  I am 26 years old and I lost my dad in Dec 2010 and my mom 6 months ago.  I have a younger sister who lives in another town. 

I still cannot believe that my parents both died within 9 months of each other, leaving my sister and I orphaned.  I feel so alone, like I don't belong to anyone anymore.  I won't have my parents there if I get married one day or if I have children, they won't know their grandparents.

It is my dad's birthday next week, he would have been 62 and my mom would have been 60 on the 1st of July this year.  I envy other people who still have one or both of their parents.  I long just to talk to them, to ask their advice.  I will not be attending my honours graduation ceremony later this year because what is the point?  My mom was my biggest supporter and was so proud of me and my achievements, if she is not there in the crowd cheering me on then I don't want to be at the ceremony.

I hope to hear from others who have lost one or both parents.  How do you cope?  I am seeing a counsellor and it helps a bit but I suppose it will take a long time for this pain to subside, if ever.  I miss them so much.  One day I am fine and the next I am crying in the bathrooms at the office, or in the car on my way to work.  If something exciting or scary happens, I would usually call my mom.  Now who must I call?  Who REALLY cares?  Life is tough.

*Nikki*

browneyedgirl

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2320
    • View Profile
Re: An orphan in my twenties
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2012, 09:37:52 AM »
Welcome Nikki. 

I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother and father.  You have come to the right place.  We understand what you're going though. 

I wanted to encourage you to go to your ceremony - I know your mother continues to support you, and perhaps she would even like to see you go?  Just a thought, I hope it's not too intrusive. 

Come back and let us know how you're doing.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Nikki_Bee

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 8
    • View Profile
Re: An orphan in my twenties
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2012, 12:22:17 AM »
Hi. 

I already sent notice to the university to say that I will not be attending.  I will be too sad to attend. 

I am seeing my grief counsellor again on Monday, I haven't been to her since January.  I started a new job last month and have been very busy (I am studying part-time too).  It is like I am in this rat race, I never get to really relax.  My mom died on the day I wrote my Financial Accounting exam last year.  I had two exams left to write the following week.  I had to study for my exams and plan my mom's funeral at the same time.  I sort of "shut down" my feelings and turned into a robot just so I could get through those next few days after my mom's death.  I decided the day after my mom's death that I WOULD finish my exams, my mom would have wanted that.  I still don't know how I did it.  I experienced this "high" for about 2 weeks after my mom's death.  I didn't want to eat, or sleep, or even sit down.  I knew if I didn't keep moving I would just break down and not recover again.  So what happened was the grief hit me later, and that is when I started seeing a grief counsellor.  It was like I had an adrenaline rush and then I plummetted into this deep hole and couldn't get out.  I managed to pass my honours degree (Thank God for that), but it is bitter-sweet since my mom isn't here to celebrate with me.

I am doing my best to be strong.  But it is not easy.  Some days I just want to lie in bed all day and sleep, instead of go to work.  I have thoughts of quitting my studies also, I just don't have that motivation anymore.  Studying is such a mission, I would rather be watching movies with friends etc. and just socialising.  I don't get to spend alot of time with my friends because of my studies and so I feel so guilty, like I do not deserve the friends I do have.

What I miss the most is the UNCONDITIONAL love that parents have for their children.  People say they love you and care but it is not the same as the love you get from your parents.

I really miss them :(


beaman

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 15
    • View Profile
Re: An orphan in my twenties
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2012, 08:08:03 PM »
hi,nikki.
i felt many things you're feeling now when i lost mom who was my only parent 1.5 year ago. i just got into graduate school, which was a dream for my mom and i. but after my mom died i felt so meaningless and i drop out of school. i'm also an young orphan. i'm 25 now.

you're not alone about what you've lived through. thanks for sharing your story.

now i'm back to school. i have a unique motivation from the confused feeling about the world. I'm forever different from majority of people around me. but that's OK. always getting a lot of comfort from others' similar stories.

this might be the problem that you seems being harsh to yourself. in my early days i just allow myself to do anything i wanted to, even if it was immoral. i still have that habit now. i understand sometimes you just want to lie in bed and do nothing, that's very natural. just be nice to yourself. i mean, nothing is necessary in life, especially for people like us and after what we've been through. you don't have to be strong.
« Last Edit: April 05, 2012, 08:20:52 PM by beaman »

laurenE

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1439
    • View Profile
Re: An orphan in my twenties
« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2012, 04:02:43 AM »
Nikki,

I am so very sorry for your losses.  I lost my father at age 12  when he was just 52 and mother just 10yrs ago at 35 when she was too young at 59.  I had no other family to support me thru this other than an elderly grandfather who at least was kind to me when I would visit. 
I also felt like I didnt belong to anyone, for a long time.  That is a very powerful feeling,  as it can make a person do things, impulsive things,  if you are not careful (I belong to no one so why not throw caution to the wind and just do it, whatever "it" may be).  Please dont allow this feeling to overtake your thinking like this.  You deserve better in life.



   Please realize that you have at least someone in your life who cares. Make lists of those who care and contact them,  keep them handy and lean on them for support, if even just for a short casual visit or starbucks.

 I learned early on that we must build our family from the people God places in our lives; our friends, neighbors,  church family, work family,  distant family(if they are available),  inlaws or potential inlaws.   Eventually over time these people slowly close the huge hole that is left in our soul from the loss of our parents.  Eventually over time that deep deep pain and emptiness eases, and then subsides.  and then we are able to keep moving forward, to laugh again and not feel guilty,  to stop crying and not feel guilty,  to go on vacations and fall in love and not feel guilty.  But that takes years. at least it did for me.

I have learned that we need all kinds of support to get us thru this awful  time. A grief therapist who hears our same story and tears over and over again but cares enough to let us be our selves.   Friends who won't bring up the death every time we meet for coffee or a movie which gives us time and space to temporarily "forget" our pain.  Friends who do ask us how we are doing.  Friends who text us or send a card to brighten our day and show our support, friends we may not hear from but who we know is still praying for us anyway,  and those who may not say a word but may simply give us a smile across the room,  knowing we are hurting inside.   It takes all kinds to get us thru.  Treasure each and every one of them. and know that you too will get through this,  just like millions of others out there who have lost a parent or two.

Having a husband and inlaws has helped me to move forward.  Taking vacations, filling the void with happiness and friendships has too.

  Someone explained it to me this way... picture a cup of a mixture of equal parts vinegar and water (vinegar represents the bitterness and pain of grief,  water represents the good in life, the easy stuff, the routine, the  fun).   The more water we pour into this mixture,  the less powerful vinegar is, the less potent, the less sting or stink.  The fun/happiness of water overpowers the pain of vinegar.   The more pleasant activities we allow ourselves to experience after we lose a loved one (falling in love again, vacations, concerts,  friendship building,  accomplishing our goals  at school and work etc),  the less that the pain from grief will control us.  And eventually that pain subsides and all we feel is the water in life,  or the routine in life.  It doesnt happen overnight, or even in the first 6mos.  For me it was a gradual thing .

  But I remember the vinegar stung alot even after the 2yrs anniv,  but it wasnt every day like before or every week.    And after that,  it only stung on holidays,  and now even that isnt as painful. 

 Also keep in mind that grief is considered to be 'early grief" for at least the first year and a half.  So be patient with yourself and dont listen to anyone who tells you to get over it.  Only those who have lost parents understand what you are going thru.  I hope you can find someone at school or work who has lost a parent so that you dont feel so alone. I had a coworker who had lost her mom many yrs before me. We never talked about my pain but it was nice to just know she had survived the loss of a mother and was able to laugh and be normal and enjoy vacations and play april fools pranks at work and just be like everyone else.   I soo needed that!

You could even join a grief support group.  Many churches have a group called grief share, which is a great support group.  Find one in your local community.

So the good news is,  you wont be hurting forever.  and  soon you wont hurt as deeply as you do now.  and I am so thankful for that!

keep writing,  keep crying,  keep talking to your grief counselor, Keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if thats all you have the strength for that moment or that day. and slowly keep rebuilding your dreams and life.

hugs from someone who understands,
laurenE






Malum_Angelus

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • View Profile
Re: An orphan in my twenties
« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2012, 09:32:40 PM »
Hello Nikki,

Warm, healing, and positive thoughts to mend your wound. May your pain lessen with each memory, photo, or video of the past. May you blossom with each opportunity, challenge, and choices you find in the future.

I joined this group tonight to talk to you; to let you know you are not alone and to remind myself of the same thing. In April 2011, both my parents (Mom, 45 and Dad, 46) were killed in a motor vehicle accident. There were no extended hospital visits or prayer for recovery as both died on scene. There I was at 22, with a 20 year old sister, planning a double funeral; hoping the fog would lift, my head would clear and I would just wake up from this nightmare.

I took four months off my, then, full time job. I don't remember much; I know I cried, a lot, from sadness, anger, frustration. I wrote letters, poems, and in my silent but patient journal. I read books as a distraction, and watched movies to escape; the temporary relief helped me. I saw a grief counselor and think I am finally ready to find a support group in my area. I have watched my sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents grieving. It's all different, yet all the same. There is no right way or wrong way; no better or worse way to respond to your emotions, and there is no magic answer for what we are going through.

One year later, 2 companies, 2 estates, one house, and my lifetime worth of memories still being sorted out. I have accepted I cannot change this, and that I cannot do it all alone. Support of my family, friends, and long-time boyfriend help when help is needed, and sometimes they know when I need help before I know it myself. I am finding things in everyday life to cherish I never would have noticed before. I am finding passions in life to complete who I am as I grow; to help me identify who I am and want to be. I feel to do any less would not honor my parents, it would reject the morals and values they passed to me.

This is my way for my grief; it may not do anything for you, but I hope my story will help you continue with yours.


Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: An orphan in my twenties
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2012, 12:02:48 AM »

Welcome Malum_Angelus, and I'm sorry to read of the deaths of both of your parents. There is a lot of love and understanding on these boards, as we can all relate to losing ones we loved so very much.

Thanks for sharing a little about yourself and your Mom and Dad. I look forward to reading more.

I'm happy to know that you have support from family and friends. This is so important. Life saving, at times even.

We have a thread where we honor our loved ones by remembering them on their special dates. Birthdays, Angel Dates and Anniversaries. If you like, you can either post them here on this thread or send them to me in a private message and I will post them on their special day.

This month has to be particularly difficult for you, as your Mom and Dad's "One Year Angel Dates" are this month. I'm so sorry.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Love & Hugs,
Terry