Author Topic: It rained today, but it was a good day  (Read 3378 times)

rayinsc

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It rained today, but it was a good day
« on: March 24, 2012, 07:57:22 PM »
The day was a fairly normal day, just me in the house rattling around a bit.  For awhile now, my computer has been acting up.  I need a new disk drive.  I considered buying new computer, then decided to just add a drive, put Win7 on it, and move things from the XP drive.  So yesterday I bought what was needed and today began the preparation for the move which I will do tomorrow.

Half way through the day I wondered what I was going to have for diner.  Would it be left overs from who knows when, or yet another frozen diner, or one of the endless sandwiches I have consumed. 

There in the freezer I found some frozen cod and some frozen french fires.  I decided I was going to cook myself a diner.

As I prepared to start, I noticed there was no ketchup, a quick dash to the store would remedy that I thought, so off I went.

While in the store I passed the counter with prepared meals and sandwiches and such, and thought they would be easier.  To my credit, I stayed my course for a home cooked meal. Then while looking for the condiments, I asked myself how would I prepare it.  Ah ha, I remember we have Cajun blackened seasoning at home, a favorite of ours.

So out of the store with the ketchup in hand, and home I went.

As I started to prepare the meal, I found the seasoning on the spice rack.  I took it, read the instructions, and shook it on the fish.  Nothing.  It must be clumped, so I rapped on the counter and sprinkled it out.  Nothing.  The jar was empty.

At that point I broke out in laugher.  As was my wife's habit, she saved these jars to put other things into them, or from the ingredients, make her own.  This was one of those jars.

Smiling I went about cooking my diner.

For the first time in a long time, I enjoyed what I had done and enjoyed the meal I prepared, while not as good as she would have done, it is was fine.,  (and yes, I put it back on the rack)

As I type, I am still smiling, with warm thoughts, thinking about her and that jar; and yes, good days still do come around.

Monday will be week four, we'll see how it goes.
Ray in Santa Cruz

Pookiesguy

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Re: It rained today, but it was a good day
« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2012, 08:37:16 PM »
Very cool and good for you. Thanks for sharing. I can't speak for everyone, but it sure gives me hope for a light in the darkness.
        Mark

Spring2012

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Re: It rained today, but it was a good day
« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2012, 08:38:49 PM »
Good for you Ray - a good track to be on !!! Such a process -- slowly coming out of the fog -- a tiny bit of acceptance -- gently remembering the good times -- smiling at your own private jokes --
Take care -- keep up the good work -- you are in my prayers --
Good-night ! good-night !
As we so oft have said
Beneath this roof at midnight, in the days that are no more, and shall no more return.
Thou hast but taken up thy lamp and gone to bed;
I stay a little longer, as one stays
To cover up the embers that still burn.

angie

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Re: It rained today, but it was a good day
« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2012, 03:20:42 PM »
((((((((((((((((( RAY )))))))))))))))))

I am glad you enjoyed ur home cooked meal of fish n chips.n the happy memories it brought to you.Hoping u recall many many more happy memories n private jokes that make you smile,they help a LOT
HUGE HUGS
Love
Angie
XXXXX

jasonkl

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Re: It rained today, but it was a good day
« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2012, 04:34:37 AM »
Ray

Home cooked meal is awesome. I am happy you were able to find a smile. Wishing you many more.

Jason

rayinsc

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Re: It rained today, but it was a good day
« Reply #5 on: March 26, 2012, 06:05:47 PM »
Today is a blue day.  I spent most of it getting WIN7 to work, especially E-mail.  I had to go to the attorney's office to sign legal papers and cut a check to the court for a hearing on the will.  Oh, I did wash the dishes which I manage to do every other day or so.

Given to night will mark week four since my wife's passing, I am not up for much, so it looks like tonight it will be some frozen left overs from 5 weeks ago. 

There are good days and bad days, thankfully the bad days are not as bad as they were over a week ago.  Tonight will be one of saddness and introspection.

Tomorrow, more rain.
Ray in Santa Cruz

stampingwidow

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Re: It rained today, but it was a good day
« Reply #6 on: March 26, 2012, 08:30:53 PM »
Glad you had a good experience cooking.  You can do it.  My husband had never cooked until I had surgery and was off my feet for many months.  I froze meals ahead but he eventually had to cook.  He grew to really enjoy it.  When my son had his first apartment, I gave him a Betty Crocker cookbook.  They spell things out and do not assume you know things so it is  a good beginning cookbook.  www.allrecipes.com is also a good place to start.  You will eat healthier and less expensively and have a sense of satisfaction too.  Keep trying!

rayinsc

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Re: It rained today, but it was a good day
« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2012, 09:41:27 AM »
When I met my wife, my life to that point was one of despair and loneliness. She was a widow and still in grief.  Together we lifted ourselves up.  I miss my wife more then my posts imply.  I weep and grieve just like everyone else.  The loneliness is at times overwhelming.

I find strength and peace by trying to look to the years we were together and remember how we found happiness.  That part of our life is what is important to me, not the last months and her death. Every time I start dwelling on those last months, I allow the emotion for a bit, then switch my mind back to the earlier times, or find those moments when she was ill when we laughed.

I want to move on from my grief, she wants me to move on.  I know this because she said it often, and that if she were to die, she wanted me to be happy, and if that meant finding another person, then so be it.  Knowing what she was going through when we met, gives me hope that I like she will once again find meaning in my life.  Whether that means a new relationship or not, only time will tell.

What supports me through the rage, pain, dispare, and loneliness, is my wife always wanted me to be happy.  She did things to make me happy.  Most important is she showed my how to be happy.  I found happiness in giving her happiness.

So the secret, if there is one, is just doing what I always did, and that is what she wanted.  In seeking happiness, I am still making her happy, and this is what I find important now.

There is one other thing that I am dealing with, and that is guilt.  Throughout this ordeal, there is the guilt of what was not said or done.  There is also the guilt of moving on.  

The former guilt is for me easier to deal with, and that is because there is nothing I can do to change what happened, or did not happen. For that matter, it is hard for me to remember if that guilt is preception, or just me looking for something that would have changed the outcome, an outcome neither she nor I had any control over.

Then there is the guilt of wanting to stop the grief, to move on.  I feel guilty about wanting to be happy again. I have these feelings even knowing she wants me to be happy. If we were truely logical beings, this would not be a problem.  The truth as I see it is our entire being is a collection of experiences.  Some make us sad, some make us happy.  For the 22 years of marriage and the 27 years we were together, my subconscous mind put together patterns of happiness that relied on her feedback to give me peace.  That feedback is now only in my memory.  No longer is she there to great me with a big smile when I come home.  My conscious logical mind knows why, my subconscious pains at it's absence.

As it took years to build those patterns of love in my being, it will take some time for my brain to stop yearning for the physical due to the pain their absence causes.  Eventually, my subconscious will reroute the happiness it found in her physical presence to the memory of them and in doing so, once again find happiness.  It just takes time and a desire on ones part to be happy.

It is not easy, but for me this path offers a light at the end of the tunnel (or sunlight through the French doors as in my dream). At some point the part of me that wants to move on will reconcile with the part that says not yet.

All this said, I am having difficulty with her passing.  Last night, on the fourth week since her death, I went to bed and cried until my eyes and face hurt.  As sleep finally came, there were still tears.  I awoke a couple of times and there were still tears rolling down my cheek.  I did not fight it.  I let that part of me that needs to express the pain have it's way.  I know that eventually it will discover there is no solace in pain and subside.

I know grief is normal, I know if I work at being happy again, the grief will subside from raw emotion and despair to just sadness, and slowly it is.

This is how I am dealing with my loss, it seems to be working for me, and I hope it does.


Ray in Santa Cruz