Author Topic: When does your focus change from the last days to all the others?  (Read 3870 times)

rayinsc

  • nospam
  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 94
    • View Profile
My nightmare started on Dec. 4th and ended on Feb. 27 with the death of my wife.  No matter how hard I try, I find my thoughts returning to the difficult last three months of our life together rather then to the 20+ years of life we enjoyed?  Now even during those difficult times, she and I had some good and memorable moments, but that is not where my mind usually goes.  

So why am I going there?  Is it out of rage or is it out of looking for something I could have done different?  I do not know.

What I do know is that if anyone asked be what the happiest time or times we had together, those three months would not be mentioned.

What saddens me most is that I have a hard time remembering what happened in November.  Little memory of what we did.  The same with other months.  What did we talk about in October?  Where did our summer go?

Until I can get past Dec-Feb., and now through March, I know I will not find peace of mind.
Ray in Santa Cruz

jasonkl

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 485
    • View Profile
Re: When does your focus change from the last days to all the others?
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2012, 01:39:45 PM »
Ray

I can't tell you when it will happen. For we are different and grieve at a different pace. I know your pain is still fresh and you are probably still in shock. Shock is a way of the brain protecting it's self. The loss of a loved affects every part of our lives. I promise those memorys will come back in time. Try not to rush through this. There are still nights when I close me eyes and relive that night. I had to accept that there was nothing more I could have done and that no matter what I did or did not do I could not have saved her.  I hope this is helps a little.

Jason

gaberax

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 252
    • View Profile
Re: When does your focus change from the last days to all the others?
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2012, 04:43:50 PM »
Ray,

I put up big 8 x 10 pictures of Denise all around me and remember some nice thoughts specific to each photo.  Still, occasionally my mind drifts back to those final, awful days.  I try to get one of those pictures in front of me and change my thinking.

Good luck.

Doug1222

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 574
  • Keep on keeping on.
    • View Profile
Re: When does your focus change from the last days to all the others?
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2012, 08:18:02 PM »
It's interesting that you're talking about this. I've never lost a spouse. Mine were my brother and my dad...both very suddenly in accidents.

I've talked about this with my mom, though. We don't know what it's like to have those last days. Our losses were so sudden that they were here then they were gone. None of us were with either one of them when it happened. My mom just had policemen come knock on her door and tell her. It was actually the sheriff who came on my brother because my dad was a deputy. He hurried over so my dad wouldn't find out when he got to work. It was on the desk at his job.

Anyway, we're not sure which is worse. We've talked about this specifically. We don't know what it would be like to lose someone and know it was happening. It was over when we found out. We hate that we never had a chance to say goodbye, but we also don't have those last days to haunt us. I guess neither one is worse. They're just different. None of it is too great to go through.

Sorry for rambling a bit. Some of these posts just reminded me of that.

rayinsc

  • nospam
  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 94
    • View Profile
Re: When does your focus change from the last days to all the others?
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2012, 09:41:44 PM »
Doug,
When your father and brother died suddenly, the last memories you have of them was the last time you saw them.  A woman in a group I attended came home to find her husband dead.  When she related her story, all she talked about was him laying there and there was nothing she could do.  The group leader tried to find out what went on before she came home and all the woman could say is that it is a fog. 

Her feeling of helplessness lasted only a short period, yet that is what she remembers the most.

No matter what she did or what I did could change what happened.  I no longer dwell on the frustration of not being able to make things right, that is fix things like I always was able to do, because there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop the disease that was consuming my wife.

The sad memories I have are those of watching her waste away.  I remember when she could no longer feed or dress herself.  I remember when she could no longer walk, even assisted.  I remember when I could no longer get her to the bathroom, because she could no longer tell me she needed to go as I remember when she stopped talking. I remember when she stopped eating and drinking. I remember when she no longer moved her arms and the wiggling of her toes stopped.  I remember turning her every two hours day and night.  I remember when she slept 24 hours a day with her eyes half closed and her mouth partially open.  I remember moistening her mouth and putting drops in her eyes. I remember administering the morphine to make her breathing easier.  I remember holding her when her heart stopped.

I know when my wife died, but I am not sure when she left me.  I know on the Wednesday before her death, I was so proud of her sitting up in bed unassisted with her big wide happy smile.  Then on Thursday she would not eat, on Friday she would not wake up.  On Saturday she stopped moving, just her breathing told me she was alive. This went on until Monday at around 8 pm when she died.   

My sister-in-law and I prepared the body and changed out my wife's night cloths.  I tried several times to close my wife's eyes until finally successful.  Then we waited for the undertakers to remove her.  During that time I sat and caressed her head and cheeks until I could no longer contain myself as she was going cold.  When my wife's body was removed, I asked to see her once more and kissed her good-bye.

I could go on and on, but I have probably gone on too long.

The last three or so months we were together had some good moments, even some triumphs, but living each day knowing what was to come, watching the disease slowly take your loved one away is hard to put aside.

All this said, I am not telling you my grief is more or less then yours, because I am not.  What I am saying is that for me to move ahead, I need to put these memories into their proper place or perspective so that her suffering (and yes mine) are no longer consuming my thoughts.

There is one thing that I am grateful for and that is she and I had enough time together in the end to not have unresolved issues, or things we wanted to say to each other that went unsaid before she was gone, and that is a blessing.

Ray 
Ray in Santa Cruz

Pookiesguy

  • nospam
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 22
    • View Profile
Re: When does your focus change from the last days to all the others?
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2012, 11:50:36 PM »
    So sorry Ray,
I don't have an answer for you, I'm new to this too. Your story sounds so much like mine it's heartbreaking I know. Jeanne was diagnosed last August and passed  a week and a half ago. Same issues first helping her to stand till she couldn't  then feeding till she couldn't eat anything but 1 small spoon of applesauce. Then nothing at all. Had to take her to hospice the last 12 hours, she was in a lot of pain. She died in my arms  about 3:00am. These diseases are trecherous.
I hope healing comes quickly for you. But you're not alone.

                                          All the Best,
                                                   Mark


an

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
    • View Profile
Re: When does your focus change from the last days to all the others?
« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2012, 06:06:41 AM »
Hi

I don't post very often but I do follow most of the threads. My husband died after a six year battle with cancer in September 2011.

Its been six months now and I understand what you mean about only remembering the end of the life. Only recently am I able to remember the times before he was really sick. I still don't have many memories of before he was diagnosed with cancer but at least for now my memories are less about his death and more about the fun things we did.

I think I had to spend a lot of time processing the last few months of his life before I could move on.

I was just thinking yesterday about how my memories have been changing, and now I even find some of them make me smile.

An




stampingwidow

  • nospam
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 185
    • View Profile
Re: When does your focus change from the last days to all the others?
« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2012, 06:38:17 AM »
An, thanks for your post!  It gives hope that my memories will shift focus.  Right now they are focused  on the last night & the last week.  Fortunately some very good things happened in our last week together but that made the shock even greater when he died.  My husbands health had been declining for months and he had been an end stage renal patient  for many years.  I was probably in denial as to how bad he was.  He was a strong willed person and was determined to live as full a life as possible.  I had no idea how sick he was.  He hide it well.  He was determined to be my caregiver.   I keep reliving our last hours and wish I had been more loving and caring, more accepting of what was happening.  I was so determined to keep him breathing.  Instead of yelling at him to breath I wish I had been telling him how much I loved him and telling him good bye.  Your post gives me hope that eventually I will remember more of the good times.

rayinsc

  • nospam
  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 94
    • View Profile
Re: When does your focus change from the last days to all the others?
« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2012, 08:26:27 AM »
My last post was difficult for me.  I cried while I wrote it, I cried while I proof read it, I cried this morning when I again read it.  My sleep last night was a troubled one.  I awoke and cursed myself for writing what I did and dredging up all those memories. 

Now I am glad I did write it because of the following:

Last night I had a dream.  I was in my sports car with someone and approached a stop manned by an old man.  As I stopped, I accidentally revved my engine.  Instantly he scowled and told me to pull aside, not letting me pass.  I had a hard time shifting and steering the car, but I finally moved out of line.  Now this stop was within a building of sorts, at least it looked like that as I could see sunlight through the French doors.  Anyway, in my dream, my mind was racing for an excuse for what had happened that would be acceptable to the old man and he would let me pass.  All I could come up with was that it was unintentional.  I awoke before the issue was resolved.

As I am inclined to do, I viewed the old man and me in the dream as being me.  I wanted to drive out into the sunshine, the old man stopped me for a minor thing and would not let me go.  While I am not sure what is going on in the dream, trying to be optimistic, I see the dream as implying part of me wants to get on with life, and a part that is not ready to do that.  The important part of the dream to me is my difficulty in driving the car, and that tells me I am not yet ready to leave the building where I grieve.

There is hope in this dream because it shows me I am working on getting back into the sunshine.
Ray in Santa Cruz

Doug1222

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 574
  • Keep on keeping on.
    • View Profile
Re: When does your focus change from the last days to all the others?
« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2012, 10:33:50 AM »
There is one thing that I am grateful for and that is she and I had enough time together in the end to not have unresolved issues, or things we wanted to say to each other that went unsaid before she was gone, and that is a blessing.

That's specifically what I don't have, Ray. Everything is left unsaid. I never told my brother I was proud he was a paratrooper. I'm not sure if I ever told my dad I loved him and that I was proud of him. It's all unsaid. Forever. Everything.

Like I said, we don't know what it's like to have that last time with someone. I've talked about it with my mom a lot. I'm sure it's not any better or worse. It's just different.

I'm glad to hear the dream gave you some hope. I hope today's a better day for you.

Doug
« Last Edit: March 24, 2012, 10:42:16 AM by Doug1222 »

jasonkl

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 485
    • View Profile
Re: When does your focus change from the last days to all the others?
« Reply #10 on: March 24, 2012, 06:47:49 PM »
Doug

I feel all loss is sudden no ones exactly when its going to happen and even if you are told when you are never ready for it no matter how much notice you are given. I have meet people who were told their loves ones only had weeks and the loved one has gone on to live for years. I have experienced this myself. My baby bother was not to live longer that a month, he lived for 16 years longer than any doctor ever thought he would. I was told my wife's condition was not fatal, we all know how that turned out. I watched as the RSD first took her body, I watched as the medications took her mind and finally I watch as the pain broke her spirit.

All loss is tragic, we all have regrets, well at least I do ( I should not try and speak for everyone). There is always that though that I could have done more. I hope you understand, this was just my opinion.

Bob
I like the picture idea, I had not even though about the 3 pictures I have in the bed room. They are setup in such away that I can not look any where in the room with out seeing one.

An
Thank you.

Ray
I am glad the dream gave you some hope. We need all the hope we can get.

I hope tomorrow is better for all of us.

Jason