Author Topic: Advise needed  (Read 3840 times)

jasonkl

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Advise needed
« on: March 20, 2012, 07:07:16 AM »
                                              Warning this is going to be a long post and jump around a lot

Friends I am lost more lost than usual. I have been isolating myself from everything I was doing for almost 2 months now. I was checking this site and posting twice a day now I am lucky if I get on every couple of days.  I was writing to my wife the same amount now I only write her on the 19th of every month. Every time my phone ring I cringe and it takes everything I have to answer and a lot of times I don't answer. I have not been returning calls. I have not got anything done in over a week, made none of calls I should be make. I have not tried to find a new place to live which I need to do as this lease is over in August and I can not afford to stay here. I have not made any appointments on time or set up any of the appointments I need to. I have called out of work at least 3 times in the last 2 weeks. I can't sleep at night, I find myself watching tv till very late hours and I can even tell you what I have been watching. I don't what to get out of bed in the morning. I haven't been on chat or talked to anyone I have meet on this journey  in almost a week,( I did see Kevin and Lisa on sunday, that was the first time I have really talk to either one of them in a while). I am down to eating one meal a day I think I only do that so people don't worry( I only eat in front of others if by my self I don't eat). I haven't been to the gym in 3 weeks, I haven't made to the cemetery in 2 weeks. I have tried making a list of things to do and only trying to do one thing at a time but it seems all I get done is the list. The part that is really starting to bother me is I am avoiding my kids. I talk to them when they talk to me, but if they don't say anything to me I don't talk to them. I know all this sounds weird after reading my last few posts, but everything I have been doing lately is to keep up appearances. I don't want people to worry about me. I can't respond to people posts like I use to I read them and I can't find the words to write. I have been quick to anger lately, and getting easily frustrated with my self and others. I don't understand what is going on with me, I feel like sh*t all the time but have drive or desire to do anything about it. About the only things I have been able to do is drink a lot and smoke a whole lot. Through all this I do have moments when the old me does come out of a little bit but is is not very often and it does not last very long. I just want it to be normal again or maybe this is my new normal. Or maybe I have just lost my way. May be I am going back to the old old me the one before Jen, I don't know any more. All I do know is that I hurt most of the time and after 7 months I do not have the energy to fight this any more. I just want it all to fade to black, I don't want to die, but I do not wish to live. Not like this. I what to care, but I just don't. I should care about what is going on with my kids, I should want to care and I honestly just don't. What have I become?  Is this my new normal?

Thank you all for listening

Jason

stampingwidow

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Re: Advise needed
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2012, 08:15:58 AM »
Oh Jason, you are hurting so badly.  I feel for you and I understand but do not have any words of wisdom.  I am also hiding from life, not taking care of things that need to be done, content to stay at home and hide.  It is not healthy for either of us.  The only spark of hope I see in you letter is that you now recognize what is happening and seem to have a little desire to change.  Try to build on that.  I am beginning to realize that somehow I must get motivated to at least take care of the necessities. 

Shortly after my husband died, an acquaintance  stated I needed to decide who & what I wanted to be now.  Her words were a shock and I was not ready to relate to them at the time.  Today I am thinking do I really want to let myself become this needy, isolated, irresponsible person.  Hopefully I can soon work on becoming more responsible & less isolated.  I know what I need to do just not how to have the fortitude to do it. 

You are not alone in these feelings.  Hope you find your way to work thru them.

Doug1222

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Re: Advise needed
« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2012, 08:41:41 AM »
Jason,
I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but the best I can do is let you know I care. The only advice I have is maybe break it down a little. I'd pick the one thing that you think is most important on your list and try to focus on just that one.

Wish I could be of more help, but do know I'm reading.

Doug

rayinsc

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Re: Advise needed
« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2012, 08:46:10 AM »
Jason, have you thought that you are confusing depression for grieve? They are different.   

Severe depression drives one to extended isolation and withdrawal from society and loved ones.  It also causes neglect of oneself.  Both conditions are expressed in your post.  Also in your post you say you are now drinking and smoking a lot.  While a bit of drink can be soothing, too much is not.  Alcohol is a depressant, so if you are deep into your cup, then you are feeding the depression. 

I at one time was a heavy drinker and at that time extremely depressed.  I still suffer from depression and work hard to stay away from things that support that dark side.  Now many thought I was an alcoholic, but I was not in the traditional sense one, nor do I think you are.  When I stopping abusing my drinks, there was a dramatic reduction in my depression.  That said, it was only with help that I got it under control.  (By the way, I still have a glass or two of wine at times, but that is it.)

In closing, as I previously stated, nearly everything you have posted here are signs of deep depression.  Whether it is amplified by drink I cannot say with certainty, but from my own experience, it sure seems to me it is feeding it. 

Help yourself and see your physician for a diagnosis and if necessary treatment for depression, or minimally, cut way back or stop taking in alcohol.  Do this and restart your exercise regime and see if that changes your mood.   

If I am right, getting the depression under control will eliminate one of the two main challenges you are facing in your life.

I hope you do not take this advice negatively, but see it as a possibility for what you are now experiencing.  I only offer it   as a possibility to why you have lost your way in grieving and grieve recovery.

Take care, Ray 
Ray in Santa Cruz

browneyedgirl

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Re: Advise needed
« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2012, 09:41:10 AM »
((((Jason))))

There is normal anymore.  At least that is how it was for me.  Grief is much different than other things we recover from, coupled with the fact that sometimes we may never fully "recover".  We can never prepare ourselves for this pain.  When my brother died - it was months and months before I smiled again....then a period that I let myself be "happy" - and then it came crashing back, even 3 years later.  I guess what I am trying to say is that be patient with yourself - you have lost the love of your life and I would not expect myself to not to "regress" - I don't like that word, but it's the only one I can come up with.  I sincerly hope that you understand what I am trying to say - this has sort of turned into a ramble. 

lots of love to you my friend. 
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

gaberax

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Re: Advise needed
« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2012, 02:45:04 PM »
So sorry, Jason, cause I can feel the pain in your words.  Grief can develop into depression. I can relate. 

There has been some good advice given here. Focus on what's in front of you now. Get rest. Drink lots of water. Turn off the TV (it is so easy to let it drone on and on.)  Be kind to yourself.  Allow yourself some indulgences.  De-stress where you can,  Take a walk.

And realize that there will be really dark days.  I have them too.  Days when I can't face the day...the job, the responsibilities, children's needs.  It is normal.

I spoke to a friend who lost his wife to cancer 8 years ago.  Haven't seen him in years and he had heard about my loss.  He said that he still talks to his wife too.  That he still cries sometimes.  But that it gets better.

Hang onto that thought.

arthur

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Re: Advise needed
« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2012, 10:15:51 PM »
Jason I think you are slipping into depression from your grief. It happened to me. What is disconcerting and cause for concern is your lack of appetite for food and your lack of sleep and your withdrawal from the outside world. These are symptoms of depression. I believe you should seek medical attention..depression is not just a mental thing.  It is caused at times by physical changes in your body bought about by tragedy in life. My doctor told me a part of the brain actually shrinks during depression. It is treatable..there are drugs for it as you probably know.  While these drugs never worked for me..they may work for you.   I would think it might be wise for you to get medical treatment for it.  If you think that maybe you have reached a limit or a certain point(I did by wanting to die 3-4 times a week) then seek medical help. ALso did you let your therapist know of your recent trouble? If not please do. Hang in there Jason..I and many others are/have been where you are at and you truly not alone.  My dark days begin next month..3 weeks from now on the 1 year anniveersary of my wife's death. Hang on brother. arthur

jasonkl

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Re: Advise needed
« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2012, 06:56:25 AM »
Thank you everyone for the words of support and the advise. I had a really good cry after writing that post. It was kind of cleansing. I have not cried like that in weeks. For me depression and grief go hand in hand. Depression is an old foe. Something I have not had to battle in a long time for she was my savior from my depression. Some where over the years I forgot that I still need to learn to live with me.

I tried to post yesterday but kept being interrupted. I can thank you all enough for helping find my way back to the main path. I talk with my griefshare group about what has been going on with me and I also talk to my therapist on the phone. They all reminded me that I am my own worst enemy. They ask questions that made me realize I had stop doing everything I was taught to do to. The last 2 weeks have been hard, first birthday with out her, the very next week 7 months since she passed, this sunday the first trip to the collage for my son. And the last and hardest of all of these 4 weeks our wedding anniversary. So far on this journey I have not had to deal with so many things this close together. Forgot all I have learned about this journey and how to survive it. My therapist said all these things are part of my Post -traumatic stress disorder.

1) 7 months is not very long when compared to the better part of 20 years we were together. We never had a convention relationship, we use to say we did it all backwards. We lived together right away, got pregnant young, got married years later, then tried to buy a house.

2) Did with everything in my therapy, but then I did the thing the doctors always tell you not to. Don't stop taking your medicine just because you feel better you need to finish it all. My therapist gave me mental exercises to do also told me to keep a journal. All of which I was doing until I felt better, then of coarse I stopped after a few weeks because I was feeling ok and I did not need to them any more right.

3) Never drink alone or when you are upset. All it does is take those bad feelings and make them worse.

4) I got my post it notes back out and put them back on the mirror in the bedroom. Wrote my self questions, did you eat, did you shower, did you brush your teeth,  did you talk to the kids yet, If the the answer is no or you can't remember go do it. Write in your journal,  Get out of  bed is on the alarm clock. And the last one you don't have to like any of this you just have to do it. Set up the sleep timer on the tv to turn off in an hour.

5) Put my gym bag in the car with a note what day is it, if it is tuesday , thursday or sunday go to the gym.

6) Looking for a ring tone that says answer the phone, instead of just ringing.

7) Resighting the serenity prayer. Never been very religious, every twelve step program uses a higher power and griefshare uses God the same way. I do have belief, just like the rest of my life it is not a conventional one.

Some where in this broken mind of mine I though I was different that I could just do a little work and I would be all better. That this would be quick journey for me. I was always the strong one. Always down to earth, always logical. There is nothing logical or down to earth about this grief. It takes everything out of you and asks for more. I had to learn that hard lesson again this is not an illness, this is a journey. You can't go around it, you have to go through it.

So yesterday I got my a*s out of bed, went to the dentist for my check-up, went to the cemetery. Had lunch with my wife, talk to her for a while. Started looking for a place to live, made dinner for the kids and ate with them.

thanks for listening to me ramble on.

Jason

Ps my daughter (Brittany) got her drivers license yesterday. just one more thing Jen should have been her to see.

« Last Edit: March 22, 2012, 09:27:29 AM by jasonkl »

rayinsc

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Re: Advise needed
« Reply #8 on: March 22, 2012, 08:24:29 AM »
Jason,
I am relieved that you have recognized you were allowing depression to pull you into the destructive darkness it provides.  Your willingness to fight back from the pit of despair is a great sign that you want to live.  While it is not an easy path to take, it is a rewarding one as you move forward.  You are not alone in this journey, your wife is there and if you allow yourself to remember the support she gave you when alive, you will find inside you resides the memory of what and how she did that.  When you talk to her, tell her not so often how hard it is for you, but how you are progressing.  After all, that is what you did when she was there for you, let now be no different.

Oh, what I have said here is sharing my thinking as I try to employ it into my journey.  I thought it worth sharing.

After posting, this came to mind.  This morning I saw that the little rug inside the front door was crumpled and kicked away.  Without thinking I spoke out loud to my wife "Ok, sweetie, I better fix this."  At first I thought that I was once again, in grief I was speaking to someone who was not there, then recalled I often spoke to her over the years when she was not present.  This realization has helped me know it was said not in grief, but that I was just doing what I always did, either to make her happy or avoid her hooting at me for being messy.  My initial sadness was replaced with a smile.
« Last Edit: March 22, 2012, 08:40:49 AM by rayinsc »
Ray in Santa Cruz

Doug1222

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Re: Advise needed
« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2012, 09:14:16 AM »
6) Looking for a ring tone that says answer the phone, instead of just ringing.

I'm really glad you're in a better place, Jason. Everything you wrote looks like wonderful advice to me. I'm going to remember all of it for myself, actually. It looks like this journey is turning into wisdom for you.

I had to pull this step out because a hilarious thought popped into my head as soon as I read it. My wife has all these crazy ring tones on her phone for individual people. She has one that says,"Answer the phone! Yo...answer your phone! Come on...answer the phone!"
 :laughing6:

Congratulations to your daughter, too! It took me three tries to pass the driving test. The written part was easy, but I kept doing stupid stuff on the driving part.

Once again, I am very happy that you've found a better place. Now remember to take your own advice. We're here to listen.
Doug

Pookiesguy

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Re: Advise needed
« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2012, 01:00:37 PM »
Jason,
 Great advise to yourself. Although I know it hurts now, your strength does show and after looking over some of your help in other posts, I can see you will be ok. There's alot of compassion in you, don't forget to give some to yourself. Sorry if this next part is too blunt but, drop the booze. It won't fix it.
                 Keeping you in my prayers,

                                         Mark