Thank you everyone for the words of support and the advise. I had a really good cry after writing that post. It was kind of cleansing. I have not cried like that in weeks. For me depression and grief go hand in hand. Depression is an old foe. Something I have not had to battle in a long time for she was my savior from my depression. Some where over the years I forgot that I still need to learn to live with me.
I tried to post yesterday but kept being interrupted. I can thank you all enough for helping find my way back to the main path. I talk with my griefshare group about what has been going on with me and I also talk to my therapist on the phone. They all reminded me that I am my own worst enemy. They ask questions that made me realize I had stop doing everything I was taught to do to. The last 2 weeks have been hard, first birthday with out her, the very next week 7 months since she passed, this sunday the first trip to the collage for my son. And the last and hardest of all of these 4 weeks our wedding anniversary. So far on this journey I have not had to deal with so many things this close together. Forgot all I have learned about this journey and how to survive it. My therapist said all these things are part of my Post -traumatic stress disorder.
1) 7 months is not very long when compared to the better part of 20 years we were together. We never had a convention relationship, we use to say we did it all backwards. We lived together right away, got pregnant young, got married years later, then tried to buy a house.
2) Did with everything in my therapy, but then I did the thing the doctors always tell you not to. Don't stop taking your medicine just because you feel better you need to finish it all. My therapist gave me mental exercises to do also told me to keep a journal. All of which I was doing until I felt better, then of coarse I stopped after a few weeks because I was feeling ok and I did not need to them any more right.
3) Never drink alone or when you are upset. All it does is take those bad feelings and make them worse.
4) I got my post it notes back out and put them back on the mirror in the bedroom. Wrote my self questions, did you eat, did you shower, did you brush your teeth, did you talk to the kids yet, If the the answer is no or you can't remember go do it. Write in your journal, Get out of bed is on the alarm clock. And the last one you don't have to like any of this you just have to do it. Set up the sleep timer on the tv to turn off in an hour.
5) Put my gym bag in the car with a note what day is it, if it is tuesday , thursday or sunday go to the gym.
6) Looking for a ring tone that says answer the phone, instead of just ringing.
7) Resighting the serenity prayer. Never been very religious, every twelve step program uses a higher power and griefshare uses God the same way. I do have belief, just like the rest of my life it is not a conventional one.
Some where in this broken mind of mine I though I was different that I could just do a little work and I would be all better. That this would be quick journey for me. I was always the strong one. Always down to earth, always logical. There is nothing logical or down to earth about this grief. It takes everything out of you and asks for more. I had to learn that hard lesson again this is not an illness, this is a journey. You can't go around it, you have to go through it.
So yesterday I got my a*s out of bed, went to the dentist for my check-up, went to the cemetery. Had lunch with my wife, talk to her for a while. Started looking for a place to live, made dinner for the kids and ate with them.
thanks for listening to me ramble on.
Jason
Ps my daughter (Brittany) got her drivers license yesterday. just one more thing Jen should have been her to see.