Author Topic: My story of loss :'(  (Read 6625 times)

shebird

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My story of loss :'(
« on: June 08, 2012, 05:44:39 PM »
Hello everybody. I am new here and found this page as I was browsing the Internet in the middle of the night, out of despair, when the emptiness inside was too much to handle once again. It's been four years since I lost someone, the one, who was a friend of mine, but in reality meant the love of my life and a true soulmate to me. He died of cancer at a young age. Our indisputable similarities and life choices brought us together at one point in time, and from then on, we chose to build our future dreams together. Dreams which would later not only break my heart, but everything that remained of me after his death.
I was there for him throughout the disease, whenever he needed me; I worked so hard for his smile, even in the latest stages, when it was all so hopeless... That smile meant everything to me. He was the most important person in my life. But to add to my personal despair, the love of my life could never be mine. There were years between us, and he did not belong to me, he had a family a long time before we met. Me and him, it was never meant to be, though I would trade my whole life for different circumstances and the opportunity to be his wife. But I always respected this destiny, and the only thing that truly mattered to me was his happiness. I loved him unconditionally and beyond any possessiveness, and I never felt as human and as much a woman as I did then. I only wanted him to get better, I begged the universe to trade all the wishes it would ever grant me for his health...
Though I visited him as often as I could in the hospital, the one regret I will forever carry with me is that I could not be with him the night when he died. His wife was, as were his brothers. The love of my life could never be mine, and this fact is most painful, when I remember that I did not get the chance to be by his side on the very last night.
What's more, he couldn't even stay a part, any part, of my life. And now I can't forgive life for what it has done to him. Nor can I forgive life for this void I've been left with. I've been the shadow of myself ever since. I am functioning somewhat in everyday life, but the spark I used to feel inside me is gone. Meeting friends seems pointless, laughing sincerely impossible, and I have been unable to let any man emotionally close to me ever since. After all the crying and nights spent in tears, I feel I have now shut my emotions down completely. There is this wall between me and the world that I can't seem to break down. I am totally empty inside. It is such an awful feeling, I can't say it's a feeling at all...


I want to thank you for reading this. I am very sad these days. The duration of my "grieving" terrifies me. I want to conclude with the wish that there comes a better day for everyone coping with grief out there. And - if you find love and recognize your soulmate in someone that crosses your path, please do everything in your power to make it work. True love is worth every risk, and count yourself very, very blessed if you have the opportunity to make true love your reality.


Last but not least, my dear one, my friend, my true love, I hope you are in a better place, somewhere, somehow. I will always, always love you.

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MommysPreciousAngel

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Re: My story of loss :'(
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2012, 04:48:39 AM »
Dear Shebird

I am so sorry for your loss.  Like you, I stumbled upon this site four years ago late one night when the emptiness inside got too much.   It has been a long time since I've written here.

I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through, but I can relate to the pain of loss, to the emptiness and to that place that you find yourself in - the black, empty hole.  You can see the world around you, but you are emotionally separated from it by the barrier you have put in place to keep away the pain, but in doing so, you effectively shut yourself away.

Four years is a long time to live like this and I can only say that it will ultimately be up to you to make a conscious decision to start to crawl out of the dark and back into the light.  There is no guilt to be had in taking your place in life and being happy after losing someone you love.  The man that you loved would not want that for you.   We have to let those we loved and lost live on through us. 

Start by letting yourself heal slowly, on your own.  Take pleasure in small things, like watching a butterfly in the sunlight, or walking along the beach or drinking in a beautiful sunset.  It might sound silly, but these are the first steps towards healing yourself slowly.   Only when you are personally a bit stronger inside will you better be able to interact with other people and relate to them on a more emotional level.

I can only wish you the best of luck.  In my darkest hours I came to this site and found people who not only understood grief, but were willing to support me unconditionally.   All I had to do was write.  Sometimes all I had to do was read other people's stories to know that I was not alone.  It was my first steps towards healing.

Good luck.

Tammy
Life is not about the amount of breaths we take, but the moments take our breath away.

Terry

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Re: My story of loss :'(
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2012, 11:40:01 AM »

shebird - I'm sorry your friend/soulmate died so young and you are feeling so lost.


What's more, he couldn't even stay a part, any part, of my life. And now I can't forgive life for what it has done to him. Nor can I forgive life for this void I've been left with. I've been the shadow of myself ever since. I am functioning somewhat in everyday life, but the spark I used to feel inside me is gone. Meeting friends seems pointless, laughing sincerely impossible, and I have been unable to let any man emotionally close to me ever since. After all the crying and nights spent in tears, I feel I have now shut my emotions down completely. There is this wall between me and the world that I can't seem to break down. I am totally empty inside. It is such an awful feeling, I can't say it's a feeling at all...


I want to thank you for reading this. I am very sad these days. The duration of my "grieving" terrifies me.


I understand feeling resentment and anger toward the one who left us. I don't remember how many times I screamed, "How could you leave me? How could you do this to me?" After a time, I came to realize that they didn't 'do anything to me' and that it was normal to have such feelings when a love so great is torn from our lives.

Have you considered grief counseling? Group meetings? It may be helpful. Is this the first time you're sharing about all of these feelings? Bless your heart. Four years is a long time, but we're all different and there are factors that complicate every situation and if they are not dealt with, they just become worse.

Welcome to Webhealing. I'm so glad you found us and decided to share your feelings with us. It helps to post as much as you can. We are here day and night and no one will judge you here. Everyone is here for the same reasons you are. We have all suffered a great loss and are working to rebuild our lives the best we can, with the help and the kindness of others.

Please tell us more about your soulmate. About the 'future dreams' that you both held so dear.

Sending you hugs & my understanding,

((((((((((((shebird))))))))))))

Love,
Terry

Terry

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Re: My story of loss :'(
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2012, 11:53:36 AM »

(((((((Tammy)))))))

So nice to read a post from you and to know that you're doing well. Such a thoughtful message to shebird, our new member and wise words. I couldn't agree more with our taking pleasure in small things being the first steps on this long journey to healing ourselves. That's so true because grief cannot be rushed and there are no short cuts when grieving.

Always think of you, with love.

Love,
Terry

shebird

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Re: My story of loss :'(
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2012, 01:18:55 PM »
Thank you both so much for your kind answers. Perhaps i should clarify (English is not my native language, so it may have come out the wrong way in my first post) that I do not feel any anger and resentment towards him at all, but life and the world in general. For making him go through all that he had to go through, and for making me live this life without him in it. He is the last person I could ever be angry at. What's more, if there is anyone I am still in love with at this moment, it is him, and he has been gone for so long now, it's insane. :( I am angry at everything and everyone else, and this hopelessness is destroying my everyday life, me and my other relationships. Tammy said it perfectly:

Quote
You can see the world around you, but you are emotionally separated from it by the barrier you have put in place to keep away the pain, but in doing so, you effectively shut yourself away.


Though I buried myself in work initially (to the point of exhaustion, bad, I know, but this has always been one of my main coping mechanisms...), I did talk about my feelings a lot with my best friend (she's true gold!), but now I really feel that I have burdened her with this long enough. She could not have done more than she already did (and still does) for me. The problem is me, as deep within, I am not the person I was anymore, I am aware of that, and nothing seems to help. As said, I go out in the morning, I am productive, I try to work out, I travel in summer, I live my life somehow, but I feel like there is no meaning in any of this. Like nothing will ever compare to him, and, therefore, I am stuck with a second-best version of everything. And the worst part is, I know, this is the only version of life there is, the only version I have available, but I can't make peace with it.

:(

We were in the same profession (hence, future dreams) and I am seriously considering changing my career orientation because of everything that happened. I know he would not want this pain for me, but it's not like I've chosen it, it just does not get better, while my life is passing me by before my own eyes. I can totally relate to Bob Dylan's line: "I know it looks like I'm moving, but I'm standing still." :(

Thank you again for what you wrote, I am very grateful and wish the best for you both. :*

MommysPreciousAngel

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Re: My story of loss :'(
« Reply #5 on: June 11, 2012, 10:00:43 AM »
(((((Terry)))))

Thank  you for your message to me.  You are a true angel and I will always remember the comfort and wisdom you gave to me when I needed it most and didn't feel like I could ask for it from any one.

I hope all is well with you and that you are getting through every day.

xxx


Life is not about the amount of breaths we take, but the moments take our breath away.

MommysPreciousAngel

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Re: My story of loss :'(
« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2012, 10:21:03 AM »
Dear Shebird

Thank you for your message and I am glad if I could at all ease even a small bit of your suffering.   Please do keep coming back to write and take the support that is waiting for you here.   Again, you've been hurting such a very long time, that it is no wonder you are not the person you were before.   But that does not have to be a bad thing either.    I said it before, and I will say it again, that I believe it has to be a conscious decision on your part to start 'coming back to life'.   Maybe just finding your way onto this site is already the beginning for you.   Maybe, like Terry said, you should consider speaking to a professional person.  Either way though, you must know it wouldn't be what he would have wanted for you - to be so alone and so sad for such a long time.    I know you said English is not your first Language, but I am going to post something below that I wrote a long time ago and I hope you will find the meaning in it.    Grief is not something we 'get over', but it is something we learn to live with.  We can still miss those we lost, hurt for them and for ourselves, but we can also be happy again.  Firstly though, it is very important that we deal with our loss - even a small bit at a time.  That is why I have come back after a long time away, because I needed to face things again as well and take another tiny step towards healing.   Good luck and write any time. xxx

"The Black Box
"In science and engineering, a black box is a device, system or object which can be viewed solely in terms of its input, output and transfer characteristics without any knowledge of its internal workings, that is, its implementation is "opaque" (black). Almost anything might be referred to as a black box: a transistor, an algorithm, or the human mind."

How strange how similar the description is to my own soul. Imagine this...
You are locked inside a dark room with a black box. You can't see it, but you know it's there. You're not sure what's inside it, but you know whatever it is, it can hurt you. You crouch down in an opposite corner of the room.
You hear the box rattle and your heart skips a beat or two as you wonder if the box is locked. It rattles again and you know, you just know, that if whatever is inside gets out, it will come for you and you're not sure who would win the battle that would surely follow if you and whatever is in that box, collide.
You're frozen in terror, but you summon up every single bit of willpower you have and you force yourself to move carefully across the room towards the box. Your outstretched hands feel around in the dark until your fingertips touch the box. It's ice cold and you withdraw in fear, but the box rattles violently, and fearing for your life, you press down on the lid of the box. There are no locks, thank goodness you checked.
The thing inside the box knows you're there and tries in earnest to get out. The lid on the box nearly comes off and in desperation you climb on top of the box and use your whole body weight to hold the lid down and keep the thing inside a prisoner. You are very sure at this point that if you let it out, you will never be the same again. Your fear is so real that you can almost feel it's mocking presence standing nearby, watching the deul between you and the thing in the box.
Thankfully, hours, weeks, then months, maybe even years later, you're not sure, because you've lost track, the box stops rattling and the thing inside is subdued. You think it might even be dead, but you're taking no changes, and you find some heavy rocks in the darkness and stack on them on the lid of the box, just to be absolutely sure.
But then after some time you get lonely by yourself in the dark. You've gotten used to the dark and you're not as afraid anymore and you are certain you can take on that thing in the box if it threatens your wellbeing, but maybe, just maybe you can finally embrace eachother. You're stronger now and it, it must be weaker after being locked away so long.
So you start to search in the darkness for the box. You search and search, your hands outstretched, feeling along the floors and eventually the walls, but you can't find the box. You don't know where it is.
And now you're really needing that lid to come off, you need to ineract with that thing in the box, you've realised to be able to get out of the dark room and into the light, you need to conquer what's inside that box, to own it.
But you locked it up for so long and now you've forgotten where to find it.
What now?


 
 

« Last Edit: June 11, 2012, 10:23:29 AM by MommysPreciousAngel »
Life is not about the amount of breaths we take, but the moments take our breath away.

Terry

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Re: My story of loss :'(
« Reply #7 on: June 11, 2012, 11:03:19 AM »

Thank you, Tammy. I appreciate your sharing that with me. What a thoughtful message.

I like the 'Black Box' message in your recent response...this journey truly is baby steps. I struggled through all of my losses one little step at a time. If I had to view and try to live up to the "rest of my life" concept, it surely would have overwhelmed me.

((((((((Tammy)))))))

Love,
Terry

tobats

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Re: My story of loss :'(
« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2012, 04:21:05 AM »
hello all,

i just joined.... sometimes i feel im losing it ... lost my sister too, not really sick but 3 mos when she felt pain and agonized to wait for that surgery, we did not realize that was the final days for her.

we were almost together 24/7 for 6.5 yrs, as we worked in the same place, and was struggling to make it a foreign country.. she waited for me to join for 5 years, now i am left by myself, struggling to find my place.... i never like to live in a foreign country, but i console myself that i served a purpose to take her back home...  i try to convince myself, i made her happy for the last years of her life by joining her...

its been 1.5 years since then, i never knew this grief, even when i have lost my parents, beloved brother and beloved nephew...i feel normal to read your stories, because some people say i dwell too much on this loss...  i looked forward to getting over this feeling, but having a tough time, outside people never notice as i dont like people feeling sorry about me.... by myself (i have no relatives in this country), i feel a disaster... i know its all up to me...

thanks to everyone for sharing their stories, i feel belonging to a group who really knows how it feels:))

Terry

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Re: My story of loss :'(
« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2012, 02:19:55 PM »

Hi tobats and welcome to webhealing! Thanks for sharing your story with us and I'm sorry for all of your great losses and your most recent, your precious sister.

When you find the time, there is a thread asking where everyone is from and others have connected this way. We have members from all over the world but it's funny how close some of us are and don't even know it!

It takes time to work through our grief to get to a place where we can enjoy life again, incorporating their memories into our lives, while working through our grief and the pain of not having them physically here with us. In time those memories brings more smiles than tears.

Please tell us more about your sister when you feel up to it. Someone is always here to listen.

Sending hugs and understanding,

((((((((((tobats))))))))))

Love,
Terry

tobats

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Re: My story of loss :'(
« Reply #10 on: August 12, 2012, 04:48:35 PM »
hi terry,

thanks for the warm welcome:))

my sister was 8 years older than i am... we really got to bond when i joined her in toronto...

the first year just passed, i dont even know where i got the strength to arrange for her services, we had no family here, we were both single, lived and worked together for the 6.5 years.... i guess i have to get things done, and i had to get back to a deferred 7-month intensive accounting course, which we were actually doing together, and she never got to finish at all...

i did not pursue higher level of study, as it was not really my stuff, it was more of hers... now, i struggle to find my place and new life, like the rest of the group, i experience all the emotions more intensely lately...

i just hope better days will come...


Terry

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Re: My story of loss :'(
« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2012, 11:37:54 AM »

now, i struggle to find my place and new life, like the rest of the group, i experience all the emotions more intensely lately...

i just hope better days will come...


I understand the roller coaster of emotions and especially the ones so soon after their death. Their special dates can be very difficult to deal with as all of the memories surface and we feel like it's Day #1 all over again. You have my heart.

With all of my losses it's taken a lot of time and patience as we're usually harder on ourselves than anyone else can ever be.

Know that we are here for you and I look forward to hearing more about your precious sister.

Love,
Terry

browneyedgirl

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Re: My story of loss :'(
« Reply #12 on: August 14, 2012, 04:22:23 PM »
Welcome tobats.....I am so very sorry for the loss you have experinced.  I lost my brother, Tony, just over 3 years ago.  You have come to the right place, we are all here for one another and we all care very much. 

Again, welcome, I am sorry you have to be here with us..
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven