Author Topic: What Is The Point of Living After Such A Loss ?  (Read 3866 times)

hixguy

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What Is The Point of Living After Such A Loss ?
« on: March 16, 2012, 10:14:07 AM »
I had decided to never post again because everyone would see me as a major downer, and just exaggerating my feelings to get attention.  I was happy and optimistic all those years when we were together.  I have been writing letters everyday, crying why I write, sometimes until no more tears available.
I seem to have so much anger now.  The grief centers that offer help, but made me feel more hopeless of my future after I left.  Other centers not even returning phonecalls or emails with information I requested.  Some of these people seem to be in the wrong business if it is only a job and their heart not into it.
Will write a few lines from the letter I wrote this morning.

I have lived my life now.  Ive done everything I want to do now.  Nothing more I want to do at all.  I worked, I retired, and I was blessed to be loved by someone as wonderful as you.  And without your companionship, no reason for me to be alive any longer.  Everything that was important to me is now gone.  You were my reason for living.  Without you my life has no value or purpose.
Nothing will replace you or make me happy now..not money, memories, photos, all the things you made or all the things we owned, not our love songs, nor the email friends I made on webhealing.
The only way I will ever have closure and peace is if you came back.  And that wont happen.
Words only take a thought so far and I cant the words to express how sad I am and how empty I feel inside.  I was not in a hurry to die before, but now I want to die today if possible.
I cant think of one memory that does not make me sad.  I cant think of anything that cheers me up.  I know I will never be happy again so why cant my life end now.  What is the point of living without you.  I need love in my life to be happy.  You are the only person I have ever loved and you made me happy when you decided to spend the rest of our lives together.  What a compliment to me........you wanted to live with me.  Noone else ever wanted to.
I wish you knew how much I loved you. And how much I missed you. How important you were in my life.  You have brought me more happiness and comfort then anyother person.  You were my support system, the one I could go to when troubles came my way.  You were always there when I wanted you. I could count on you, but noone else.  I feel so much of me died when you died that day.  My ability to be happy is gone, but desire to live is gone.  Nothing but nothing inside me.  If I have to live this way forever, I see no point because I am useless.  I feel so much stress and anxiety now which I never did before.


Wont go on from there.  We didnt have children or friends.  Noone has been to our apartment the past 6 months.  WE just stuck to ourselves.  We had 11 siblings between us, but not close..........noone sent me a sympathy card and I was the only person at the funeral.  This is a major loss in my life; not to anyone else.

I am not the type of person to commit suicide, so dont think that.  I am not strong enough to do that, but I do understand why people take their lives......to end the pain and feeling of hopelessness.

The new grief counsellor that was suppose to come here on the 12th but did not show up or phone to inform of that, has rescheduled for the 19th.  Not expecting her to help except if she can connect me with another retired widower here .....perhaps we can help eachother  through this together.

Thanks for the messages some people have sent.......the only emails I get.  At least here I know others do understand the difference between grief and saddness.  Saddness is temporary.  Grief is debilitating and forever.  It changes us forever.

Better send this before I lose it.  Got a new laptop with Windows 7 and having nothing but problems when I type emails.  They disappear on me while I am typing.

I will be around for a while. Unfortunately God not answering my prayers.   Andy

PS   I know I will regret posting this.  Glad noone knows me.




gaberax

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Re: What Is The Point of Living After Such A Loss ?
« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2012, 10:51:25 AM »
Andy,

I am glad you are posting.  The feelings you write about...I have felt that way too.  I daresay most of the people on here have felt that way to some extent.  Living is the hardest part.  Surviving is tough.

I know my wife loved me thoroughly...beyond death.   She used to go with me to a certain doctor visit  when she lived.  The doctor recently asked where she was and I explained that she had died last year.  The doctor said, "I remember her.  She obviously loved and cared for you. You could see that in her eyes. You were a special couple."  We were.   Love like that only comes along once in a lifetime and I am so very, humbly, glad that I got the chance to experience it.  

But I know Denise wanted me to go on...to try and rebuild my life....to love again.  In life she was very jealous (although I never understood why) but when she talked about her passing she told me she wanted me to find another...to live, to love again...to be happy. I suspect your wife felt similarly. She would not want you to be so sad.  She would want you to live and thrive and be happy.  When I "talk" to Denise now, I tell her that I don't think another love is in the cards for me now...that having had the best everything else would pale in comparison.  But I can try to reach out and help others.  and I don't know where life will take me next.

I know how trite some of these things sound but, in time, you may start to see that everything has it's purpose.  And while we may  never know all of the detail we can take comfort in the fact that no one is ever "lost"...just separated from us for a while.  That the life we have after our loved one has passed needs to be put to good use...to help others...to help ourselves become better human beings.

Please don't permanently cut yourself off from the opportunity to share and be with others, on this forum or in real life.  Again, I know how comforting a dark room can be...how crying till you fall asleep is sometimes the best you can do.  But you may change in time.  All things do.

If you are like me, you loved your wife with all of your heart and soul.  You would have given your life to save hers.  You cannot fathom how you can go on.  You are pretty sure most of the time that you don't even want to go on.  I have been and walk in those shoes every day.

I know how you are hurting.  I know how hard the daily struggle to go on can be.  I want you to know that you are loved.  You are important, to me, to the folks on this forum, to yourself and to others.  We will always carry the pain of the loss of our loved one.  Always.  But maybe what we can do is spend our remaining time looking at the pain in the world around us and trying to help alleviate the suffering our fellow human beings, in our own small ways.  Everybody, everywhere, in the whole world is just trying to get through the day.  We may not be able to help everyone but we might be able to help one.  

For right now, today, let's just focus on getting through it.  We must take care of ourselves now.

Take time away if you feel you must.  But don't forget that you have friends, colleagues, fellow-sufferers, who understand how you are hurting and are willing to assist you in any way possible.  We are here for you.

Bob

Spring2012

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Re: What Is The Point of Living After Such A Loss ?
« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2012, 11:00:19 AM »
Andy --

I am so sorry you are feeling so badly. It will be two months tomorrow since I lost my husband of 48 years. He had been very ill for several years -- always at home until he went into the hospital in late December. I was his sole caregiver.
I am fortunate in that I have two grown children and three grandchildren. They do help.
I am going on the assumption that my husband would want me to go on -- he was my first and most likely my last love --
I hope you can find comfort -- people do care and understand !!

Spring
Good-night ! good-night !
As we so oft have said
Beneath this roof at midnight, in the days that are no more, and shall no more return.
Thou hast but taken up thy lamp and gone to bed;
I stay a little longer, as one stays
To cover up the embers that still burn.

browneyedgirl

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Re: What Is The Point of Living After Such A Loss ?
« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2012, 11:00:29 AM »
((((((((((Andy))))))))))))))))

I would like to assure you that nothing you post, will be consiered a "downer" - and I can most certainly assure you that no one will think you are exaggerating your feelings, you have suffered a devastaing loss, and everyone here understands that.  

I am very sorry to hear that the avenues you have been seeking to help with your grief haven't been helpful/benificail.  Don't give up on that, though, if you think it will help you.  

I hope you do not regret posting as you mentioned... We are all here for you.  Although we cannot take away the great pain you feel - we do care.

Lots of love.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

SarahW

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Re: What Is The Point of Living After Such A Loss ?
« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2012, 11:33:25 AM »
Andy, you are going through the worst part of your very natural grief.

You are not "a downer."  Your feelings are understandable and we have all been there.

I doubt there are any of us who don't recognize ourselves in what you have written.

It all takes time - yes, grief is forever in the sense that the hurt and loss and "scar" will always be there.  But the intensity of the pain will diminish and become "easier to live with" after some time (who knows how much).

Be good to yourself and do not judge yourself - and know that no one here is judging you, either.

Your pain and your thoughts and your feelings are so very natural after such an enormous loss.

Keep reaching out for help - if you change your mind and want to post again, please do so.

I know you feel alone, but you are not alone.

My thoughts are with you.
I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. -- Emily Dickinson

You were a gift

sevenofwands

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Re: What Is The Point of Living After Such A Loss ?
« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2012, 12:44:55 PM »
Andy, I can only echo in full all the other posts on here.  There will always be many on here who will read your posts and "listen" to you across the distances. 

Take care of yourself.
Seven

Doug1222

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Re: What Is The Point of Living After Such A Loss ?
« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2012, 12:48:35 PM »
Andy, I can't really add much to what the others have said. You're always welcome to share whatever you're feeling here.

Don't get too down on yourself.

We're here whenever you want to post more.

Doug

helene

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Re: What Is The Point of Living After Such A Loss ?
« Reply #7 on: March 16, 2012, 01:18:32 PM »
Hi Andy,

I am glad that you found this place and hope you will post again and keep sharing your feelings with us. I empathize with what you wrote about how isolated you are now, that, outside your marriage, you had/have few meaningful people in your life and family is not there for you either. My husband is still alive and outside of him I have practically no one in my life. I am estranged from all my family. I don't have any real friends I can really talk to or relate to. My world with my husband is isolated and private, that's why I can relate so strongly to what you wrote. One winter, my husband went away to stay with some newly discovered relatives. He never told me when or if he was coming back. He was gone for nearly four months and I nearly went insane, my pain of being without him was so accute and thinking I had 'lost' him - that he would never come back.

You write so beautifully and tenderly to your wife. Thank you for sharing that with us. The love the two of you shared was obviously very special. I hope you will share more with us.

With caring thoughts,

(((((((((((((Andy))))))))))))))


Helene.


Helene & Lesley

DaveB

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Re: What Is The Point of Living After Such A Loss ?
« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2012, 04:19:52 PM »
Andy--

I've made that decision to never post here again a couple of times. But I always read every post, and every once in a while I find I have something to say anyway. So keep reading if nothing else, I know it helps me. This is the only place where people truly understand what I'm (and you're) going through. I didn't get much help with a counselor, and I've never been to a group session. I don't have much family and no friends, so that and this site is all I have to help me get through this. It's damned hard, and I don't want to do it either.

But at some point these kinds of thoughts will stop dominating your every waking moment. At just over 15 months since my wife left, I'm just starting to consider some outside activity, photography maybe. Not that I expect to get any joy out of it, but it would help pass the time. But the fact is, I'm starting to think of other things, which is something I never thought I'd be able to do again.

angie

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Re: What Is The Point of Living After Such A Loss ?
« Reply #9 on: March 16, 2012, 04:46:39 PM »
(((((((((((((((((((  ANDY  )))))))))))))))))))))

I and evryone else here could easily have wrote the words you did today.Sadly we are all in the same boat.I truly hope you keep visiting this site at the very least n hope you can find the strength to post again xxx
I am isolated in my grief too.Everyone else seems able to get on with their day/their lifes as if they have forgotten all about him but i havent cos i cant.The only help n love n understanding i get is from the AMAZING guys on here (you are one of those AMAZING guys by the way) If it wasnt for finding this site i dunno where i would be now.
Please take care of yourself and remember one step at a time.As one wise person on here told me...the great pain you feel now is because of the great love you felt (hope i got that right???thanks Terry)
I am not religious but i will pray that you find some peace todayxxxxxxxxx
THINKING OF YOU
HUGE HUGS
Love
Angie
XXXXX


MyLou

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Re: What Is The Point of Living After Such A Loss ?
« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2012, 02:37:05 AM »
((((((((((((((( ANDY )))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry that you are in pain. It's still so very RAW to you. We get you and understand, you aren't a downer.  I felt the same way and sure others have too.  Besides  bargaining with God to bring Lou back I too wanted to die.  I told God there was nothing here left for me to do.  I was done here and with this journey.  I had thoughts of maybe if I took these pills or drove off the side of the road.  These thoughts were with me for months and months.  I couldn't do it because it would be breaking God's law. That's not the way I am suppose to go.

This journey takes a lot from us. It is mentally and physically draining. The anxiety how I know so well I still have it.  I am sure others do/have too.  It's so horrible how it takes over our whole being. 


I get what you are saying about finding a widower to be friends with.  I hope you can find that friend and you will don't give up. I also wanted to have friends that are the same as me now and I do. Also, I have my friends still that have their normal life and don't get it and they won't. I belong to another chats/sites and found a few friends that get me now. I've met 6 of them in person and I'm going to meet a few more.

Also, don't give up on YOU and US please come back.  We are all your friend/family here.

Jason had posted another website called Soaring Spirits. I joined and so did Kevin. There are great people there and actually going to meet a lady for lunch soon.  Here is the website, sslf.org.  Just copy and paste in your search bar and it will take you to the site.

Webhealing is the first site I've joined and my number #1 family, but I also have others now. 

Please take one second, minute, hour, day, babysteps , at a time.  It takes a lot to push through the day. We all feel your pain.  :tearyeyed: 

Hoping you find peace and that we all do one day.

Always,

Lisa
 
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

jasonkl

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Re: What Is The Point of Living After Such A Loss ?
« Reply #11 on: March 18, 2012, 08:47:00 PM »
Andy

My friend death what a wonderful though. To not feel this pain any more. To be with my wife again forever. I can not tell you how many time i wished for death. This path we are on now is hell. It is a pain so deep. To wake every morning and curse at the fact that I am still here and she is not. We all understand.

 This does not have to be your last post and you can come back any time you want. We will still be here. You are not judged here. Say what is on your mind that is part of what we are here for. You are not a downer you are in pain. You are facing the greatest loss you will ever face. The anger, the loneness, it is all a part of the path. I don't have any more that what others have already said. Take care my friend.

Jason 

arthur

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Re: What Is The Point of Living After Such A Loss ?
« Reply #12 on: March 18, 2012, 10:27:47 PM »
Hi Andy...I read your post and I have to say that I don't think that anyone on this forum would ever think you were trying to draw attention to yourself.  On the contrary, I think you did the right thing in posting on how you're doing.  I think you're doing the right thing in reaching out to grief counselors. Dont give up doing that! Keep trying! Also please try to find a grief group as well.  Why not try Griefshare? Just google it and find a group near where you live.  I strongly recoommend it. there is so much to learn about all the nuances of grief, that I learned in that course.
     You're in the thick of your grief Andy.  Hang on. I've had some or most of the feelings your'e going through.  One day at a time..if necessary, go for the next hour..or the next 30 min, or even the next minute. Nothing else matters beyond you recovering from your grief.  Forget the future.  For the time being and the near future the only important time for you is now..how you are doing in the next 10 minutes, the next hour or the next day.  Believe it or not things will get better. What is more, as you can see from these responses, you are not alone in your suffering.  I cry everyday for my wife. Its ok to cry, write about your suffering, ot talk about it..as long as you get the grief that is penned up inside of you out. Try to set aside some time to do just that..cry, write or talk about your grief.
Hang on Andy.  Undoubtedly your wife would've wanted you to go on without her, and to heal. Godspeed in your healing! arthur

sonya

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Re: What Is The Point of Living After Such A Loss ?
« Reply #13 on: March 18, 2012, 11:10:51 PM »
(((((((((((andy)))))))))))))

Hi andy,

I am so very sorry for your loss and the feelings of isolation that you are left with. I could have written almost the same post as I share many of the feelings and thoughts that you have described.
I would love it if it were true that you were making it all up just for attention. It would mean that you were not feeling so badly. I wish I was making it all up too!
Unfortunately I am not. And I do not for a second believe that you are. We are here to support one another. We will listen. We will send our love and comfort as best we can.
I hope that you find the comfort here that I have.

I hope to here from you soon. To hear how you are doing and to hear more about your beautiful wife when you are up to it.

Take good care,

Sonya
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy