Author Topic: Is It So Wrong To Need Someone Else For My Happiness and Comfort and Peace?  (Read 2980 times)

hixguy

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Hello
Several months ago I emailed someone I have never met about the death of my spouse (they worked together).  I told her via the email how sad I now am and that I have learned a terrible life lesson...........people are more important than money or all things and that I felt that life has no value or meaning or enjoyment unless we have someone special to share our lives with.  Her response was that I should not depend on another person for my happiness and that happiness comes from within us .  She used the example of painting or playing a musical instrument.  Can a hobby replace a person?  Does that not devalue humanity and our relationships?  She is married with two adult children and I doubt she has experienced true grief yet.  All my family members have died, but I was not close to them.  It is different when the person who dies is someone you live with 24 hours a day.  My entire daily routine is affected by this.  It is different when someone dies that you dont see everyday.

I saw an 80 year old man at the Mall last month who I see from time to time only.  He told me after four months I should be over it by now!!!  I bit my lip and said nothing.  He is still married.  How can I stop missing the best and only "friend" I have ever had?  The only person I have really had a connection with.  The important fact about a spouse is that we were number one in eachothers life.  We knew the other person would always be there.  To enjoy the good times and help thru the bad times. Someone to consult with as a second opinion is valuable.  We all need at least one person who understands us and cares about us.

I do believe in being realistic.  I use to be important to one person.  One person did count on me and needed me.  Now that person is gone.  I am no longer important to anyone.  If I died today, noone would know, noone would miss me because noone needs me or is counting on me.  A terrible feeling to have.........I no longer matter to anyone.

Sorry for the rant, but I have noone to talk to in person.

Today is my Birthday and think I should visit the cemetery for company.

Andy
PS  I do not want sympathy as I am not that type of person.  Just now I feel noone understands how bad it feels emotionally.  I did not think I would ever wish I was dead because I thought life was valuable.  But life can be cruel when you are all alone.  Dying is not the worse case scenario.

Zylen

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Hi Andy,

You are not alone feeling the way you do. I could have written much of what you did myself.

You will find much more empathy than sympathy here. There are those here going through the same, and feeling very much the way you do.

As far as getting over it, I don't think that happens. I think it's more of a learning to live with it. And it's obvious that those who told you to get over it never had to deal with this.

I lost my wife of 16 years last June. She was my everything. We were a team, for all the good and bad.  All we really did was work and spend time with each other. We had both said the last 16 years was so fast, and we were more than ready for another 16.

I would wish you a happy birthday, but I just had mine as well and there really was very little happy about it, so I know how you feel. She was the one through all those years that would make it a special day for me, both through baking and gift giving. There was none of that this year.

I've been up all night working, but  I just had to stay up to let you know that you are not alone in this, and that there are others here who truly understand.

Take care and a hug for you ((((((Andy))))))
Kevin

gaberax

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For what it is worth Andy, Happy Birthday.

People who have never suffered this kind of loss don't understand.  Ignorant, but not necessarily malicious.  My father advised me after a couple of months that I should consider dating again.  I love my Dad but he hasn't a clue how stupid that idea sounded and how much it hurt me at the time.  Eight months out and I am still so lost and broken.

I could tell you more stories but they are mostly the same, someone spouts off with an insensitive comment, thinking they are being helpful.  I grit my teeth and let it slide.

There are support groups such as GriefShare that might help.  I attended for the standard 13-week course.  Met a lot of people suffering like me.  Learned how to cope and let my feelings out.  Go to GriefShare.org and enter your zip code to find groups in your area.  It may help.  I hope that it does.

Of course, there are a lot of people here that will listen and support you.  And they will understand.  It is the darkest of dark times...when everything you thought about life and love and believed in is thrown to the wind.  It will take time to re-sort it all out but we are here for you. No matter how long it takes.  And that is your call.

Best wishes,
Bob

jasonkl

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Andy
I am sorry for those you have reached out to that were not very understanding. Most people don't not understand unless they have been here them selves. To the rest of the world after a few days or weeks we should be over this and ready to move on with our lives. Unforantely this the  world we live in. This is a safe place you can rant and rave all you want we will listen. We all understand what you are going though as most of have been there ourselves.

Jason
Ps please forgive the spellling and grammer errors. Writing was never my strong point.
 

stampingwidow

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Being alone is a tremendous adjustment.  It is painful and life changing.  People that have not been through it do not understand!  Today will be especially difficult.  You will miss your partner even more.  On my recent birthday, my family rallied around me.  It helped but only temporarily.  When their celebrating was over and I returned home, it felt even emptier than before.

Taking up a hobby will not make you miss your loved one any less.  It will help give your life some meaning.  It will help pass the empty hours.  It will help you focus on something less hurtful.  It might even give your the opportunity for social interaction.  Hopefully those things will help you survive the grief.

You sound as if you desperately need some human interaction.  Volunteer work would give you that opportunity plus hopefully some personal satisfaction.  It might help you feel more worthwhile. 

Look at what you are missing and try to find another source of filling that need.  It will not cure the problem but it should help lessen the pain.

You were important to your loved one so you must be a worthwhile person.  There are others that are hurting, and in need of your skills.  By helping others, you will help your self.

angie

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(((((((((((((((ANDY))))))))))))))))

Sadly all of us here have had to deal with people who expect us to get over the death of our soulmate in a matter of weeks/months.We have to bite our lip and try to remember they just dont have a clue.
You are NOT alone xxx
I felt totally lost til i found this site but now i know i will never feel lost or alone again.Rant and rave post as much or as little as you want.We are here
Thinking of you  on your birthday
HUGE HUGS
Love
Angie
XXXXXX

Terry

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Thinking of you today, Andy.

(((((((Andy)))))))

browneyedgirl

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((((((((((Andy))))))))))
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Autumn Leaves

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My husband of 35 years died over 5 years ago.

Year One: a fog, I don't remember much of anything that year.

Year Two: less bad days, more ok days, still didn't want to be home alone.

Year Three: started thinking about what I was going to do with my life.

Year Four: started thinking about being alone, perhaps a companion or more friends.

Year Five: started making "our home" my home, enjoyed the quiet of home alone, thinking more about a companion or partner but not ready to date, still looking for good friends.

Five years later, I (and friends in similar situations) still crave the companionship we lost through death (or divorce), still wonder (and fear) a life of being alone. I get upset when my divorced friends compare their situation to mine but I've learned not to argue about that and focus on the similarities.

I know a couple older women who lost a husband and are so frightened of being alone that they are taking serious risks with men.

RJ

Autumn Leaves

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No, it is not wrong to need someone but we can't depend on someone else to give us happiness, comfort and peace. I think people need the companionship and love of someone, a partner, family. I think our society has definitions of family, of couples, and singles just don't fit anywhere.

I think that when a decades long parthership is broken by death, the survivor is no longer part of "us" but is just "me" and that leaves a big gap in our lives.

I know a woman who hasn't changed a thing in her life; her husband's clothes, glasses, everything's still where he left it, as if he's just stepped out and will be back any time. It's spooky. I know a guy who gave away everything; no evidence of his wife's presence in his house or life. He doesn't even talk about her. I'm somewhere in between.

 and I about had a heart attack a few months ago when my brother-in-law (who I hadn't seen in years because he lives far away) came to visit. I met him in a restaurant and he was standing by the bar when I walked in. I saw him from behind and he looks exactly like his brother, my late husband. I almost stopped breathing. Same bald spot, same neck, same body shape, same forhead. His voice is different & the way of talking & he's much more bitter and more of a drinker. Still, it was an awful shock.

I wouldn't look to find someone else to make me happy but I would look to find someone who could give me joy and satisfaction and comfort - and love and respect. It's a tall order
RJ