nervous and back to africa for few weeks

[sonya]

Hi Guys,

Well today is another big day for me. As some of you know I have been living in Africa and came back to the UK for a holiday but never returned due to all this.
Some of my stuff was returned but not all and I need to sort out lots of paperwork...

So. Today I go to Manchester to spend the weekend with my mother. (this causes me mpore anxiety than the rest of the trip as she is a very difficult woman and incredibly lacking in empathy. Always made me nervous seeing her as never know what you will get and often its very destructive comments and I am just not up to dealing with that right now. However, she doesnt live int he uk and is 70 this year so feel that i need to go see her. It sounds really bad saying this but it is true.

Then on SUnday I fly back to Nairobi for 3 weeks to sort every thing out.
Although I am really looking forward to seeing friends and having a chance to say a proper farewell I am also anxious about going.
The first time I left englands ona plane for Nairobi was the day after I saw Tone for the last time.
The next time I left England on a plane for Nairobi was 10 days after I buried him. It was way too soon and I ended up very unwell. I desperately needed to come back home to the UK but could not process that or make the decision. SO I cam e back at CHristamas for a holiday. STayed on for the inquest and never went back.
Now I am leaving again and I just have such terrible associations with this particular journey that I feel really sad and confused and anxious.

I was so unwell out there and it was the first days and such a terrible time. I know that I have memories of great things that I did and people that I met before all of this happened but they are not at the forefront of my mind right now.

I have great things planned for this trip too. I am going to deal with the paperwork and get my stuff packed and sorted. I am then going to spend a few days trekking for mountain gorillas and chimps. The holiday of a lifetime and the one thing that I really wanted to do. SO I am going to do it. It will be amazing. It goes without saying that I wish I was not going alone. That Tone would be with me. But today I am trying really hard not to think about that or I will not make it throught the day.

So I feel all over the place. Trying to focus on the positive. PLanned amazing monkey trip. Will finally have all my possessions back ( including of course photos of Tone). Will have my police checks done so can look for supply teaching jobs when I return. No more unfinished business in Africa which has been playing on my mind as I like to be organised.

Bleurgh. Hate it.Dont like not being Sonya anymore and being so fazed by things that I would have done without batting an eyelid before.

Ok will stop rambling now. Thanks for this being such a cathartic space where I am able to vent.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Take good care all of you))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[gaberax]

Good luck on your trip, Sonya.  It sound exciting, despite the loss of Tone on your mind and in your heart.  I understand that too well.  I hope you "remember" the Sonya you used to be...even if just a little.  I understand that too.  I was getting ready for work in the new condo this very morning thinking "Well, the guy that used to be Bob is going through the motions.  Though he's not sure why anymore."  That is the best I can do these days.

But I try to be better to myself than I was in the past. A little more forgiving to myself.  I need to take care of ME these days (because Denise is not here to support me.)   So I buy the steak dinner when I want.  And I take my time getting to work.  And I do the things I always liked to do (visit the guitar store, ride my bike, buy an old toy on Ebay, occasionally drink the favorite illicit sugar soda...not the sugar-free version, take a hot bath.)

So you remember to take care of YOU on this trip.  It is all about YOU right now and you have a right to enjoy your life as you see fit.  It doesn't take the pain away but I believe it makes the pain bearable.

Have a great time.  Would love to see any pics regarding the Mountain Gorillas!!!

[moonslammin]

Have a safe trip.  Hope you enjoy as much of it that you can. Thanks for your words of encouragement and caring, really appreciate it from everyone,

[arthur]

Sonya..I am so impressed by your decision to go back to Africa while you are still in the midst of grief. You really have guts to do that!
I don't know if I would be able to do that. I think its another sign that you have reached a milestone in your grief. Good luck on your trip and I'll pray to
God to hold you tight on your journey! God Bless, arthur

[MyLou]

((((((((((((( SONYA ))))))))))))))))

I know this has to be hard for you but enjoy your trip with friends and seeing the monkey's.  That has to be so cute.  Tell us all about your trip and be safe.


I know so well about I'm not the same Lisa.  This whole journey changes us and we are so different now and not by choice. I am still scared to be out in this big world knowing Lou isn't here, spiritually yes but it's so different.


Enjoy and be safe !!!

Always,

Lisa

[angie]

(((((((((((((((( SONYA )))))))))))))))

Hope you have a safe trip xxxxxxx
Arthur is right you r brave to b doing this.The mountain gorillas sound awesome.I never met the "old" Sonya but the one i no now is an inspiration to me.Let us no all about it.
HUGE HUGS
Love
Angie
XXXXXXX

[sonya]

Hi All,

Thank you once again for your words of support as they mean so much.

I am in Nairobi now and have been very busy sorting out all the paperwork and collecting my possessions. It has certainly kept my mind occupied.

It has also been so nice catching up with my friends here and the opportunity in a couple of weeks to say proper farewells.

I was really nervous before coming. My visit with my Mom was strained but really good (in terms of what its normally like). She was on best behaviour and we avaoided talking about Tone at all. She asked about the inquest  ( looking for gossip rather than out of any concern ) and so I just changed the topic. She also mentioned that I had lost a lot of weight and asked why. When I said it was stress she said 'What have you got to be stressed about?" ( Lets see, Tone's death? ALso the fact I do not have a job, a place of my own to live in, any idea what the future could be, am off to Africa where I had those awful first weeks of grief...) So I was very good and ignored the question and asked about her flight. SO all very successful for us really.

Getting on the plane was actually a relief and being so busy has kept me ok.

I am not in my old flat but staying with a collegue in a lovely house with a garden. Therefore I dont have those associations which is also helping.

So, so far so good. Thiought I would update you while the internet is working. Apparently a ship has dropped an anchor and damaged the main internet cable so access is particularly bad! So I might not be writing as much as usual.

Thanks again for your prayers and replies.

I hope today is a managable day for you all.

(((((((((((((((((All)))))))))))))))))))))

Take good care,

Sonya

[stampingwidow]

It is strange that sometimes people who are closely related to us can not grasp what is happening with us and do not understand our grief.  My mother hurt me in many ways over the years but as I go thru this grief process it is becoming apparent that I certainly did not grasp what she went through when my father died.  I am as guilty of hurting her as she was of hurting me.

I hope that being back in Africa will help you heal and perhaps bring clarity towards what the future might be.  You are doing what needs to be done and taking one step at a time.  As you go through this process I hope you find answers to help figure out the future.

[Doug1222]

My mother hurt me in many ways over the years but as I go thru this grief process it is becoming apparent that I certainly did not grasp what she went through when my father died.  I am as guilty of hurting her as she was of hurting me.

The older I get, the more I find that true, stampingwidow. My mom told me after my dad died that she found the Henry David Thoreau quote,"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation," very helpful in her grieving. It helped her have compassion rather than contempt for people who did and said insensitive things while she was grieving.

They just don't understand. Just like we don't understand the things they've gone through. We all go through stuff. Nobody understands anybody else's stuff.

I've come to believe that most people just do the best they can with what they know. There are evil people who hurt other people intentionally, but most people don't. They just don't get it. Meanwhile, they're leading their own lives of quiet desperation, and we don't get that.

I think what you said is very, very true. We all probably hurt other people without realizing it. They hurt us without realizing it. I think the world would be a better place if we learned to understand what you said up there. It happens to everybody, and usually it's not intentional. What I do is pray that whoever does it never understands because that means they've lost somebody, too.

I'm glad you're feeling better back in Africa, Sonya. One day at a time.
((((((((Sonya)))))))))
((((((((Everybody))))))))
Doug

[browneyedgirl]

((((((((((((Sonya))))))))))))

Thanks for sharing with us.  Lots of love.

[sonya]

OK clearly I spoke too soon.

This sucks. I want to go home. Too many stirred up undefined emaotions. Not nice at all.

Also collegue came and found me to talk with me about losing her friend at the weekend. He fell of a balcony. Tone from his window. Obviously I listened to her and wanted to be there to help her but it was very very difficult.

Weird disturbing dreams

Boo

[angie]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((SONYA))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Hoping Africa gets better for you xxxxxxx

Cant really say much else  so i am sending the HUGEST HUGS to Africa for you.

Love
Angie
XXXXXXXX

[stampingwidow]

If this trip is not working for you, just do what you have to do and leave as soon as possible.  I hope you may find as you complete your business there that the trip will bring you some closure, which you will probably find beneficial in the long run.  Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Terry]

OK clearly I spoke too soon.

This sucks. I want to go home. Too many stirred up undefined emaotions. Not nice at all.

Also collegue came and found me to talk with me about losing her friend at the weekend. He fell of a balcony. Tone from his window. Obviously I listened to her and wanted to be there to help her but it was very very difficult.

Weird disturbing dreams

Boo

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Please know you're in my thoughts, both you and Tone.

Hoping you have a pleasant and peaceful dream of your precious Tone, to help see you through the rest of your time there.

(((((((((Son)))))))))

Love,
Terry

[gaberax]

(((((sonya))))))

Here's hoping things improve.