Author Topic: people just dont understand  (Read 4130 times)

IMUM

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people just dont understand
« on: February 16, 2012, 02:06:48 PM »
anyone out there have people who just dont understand where you are coming from with the hurt? like my dad, hes alll done his grieving and has put everything in the past and expects me to do the same.its sooo frustrating cause im hurting so bad that the only parent i have isnt used to seeing me down and low,since i have always been happy my whole life...GOD forbid melody gets low,im suppose to pick up dust off and move on ,all in a matter of months.

uggghhh just soo frustrated, cause i depended on my dad to be here for me thru this and im afraid there is no way of him understanding,so i must put him in  a different category (just dad to help and fix material things) instead of (only parent to
confide in)

venting venting venting.
its something else to mourn.
it lets me down, but i must accept and......sigh....just accept


thanks for listening
melody:)


Doug1222

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Re: people just dont understand
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2012, 02:17:35 PM »
Yes, I do, Melody. My sister had a very similar problem with my mom.

What my mom did after my dad died was grieve very deep for a relatively short time...a couple years. Then she seems to have moved on. She started dating after around three years and re-married after about four. He seems like a pretty good guy, and it's ok. I get along with him fine, but I live next to them now. I had time to adjust to it. My sister was overseas working the whole time and it probably seemed like it happened overnight to her.

They ended up getting in a huge fight the last time my sister was home. She was here for around a month after spending a year in United Arab Emirates teaching. It ended with a huge screaming match between my sister and my mom's husband and my sister hasn't spoken to my mom since. I never did know exactly what happened. My sister came to my house hysterical for a little while then left to go home to Buffalo. I still talk to her, but my sister doesn't plan to ever speak to my mom again.

What she said is,"It's a shame. Mom just lost another kid."

I haven't had any trouble like that, but I understood why my sister did. My mom was ready to move on, and my sister wasn't. The main thing that's bothered me is all the pictures disappearing. We used to have a lot of family pictures around the house, but now they're all since my dad died. I can't find one picture of my dad in her house. It's like we didn't have a life before she re-married a few years ago. It's like she wasn't married to him for thirty-five years. I think that's part of what caused the fight with my sister.

Anyway, sorry to post so long. I get it. I hope you're doing ok, Melody.
Doug

IMUM

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Re: people just dont understand
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2012, 03:12:45 PM »
thanks Doug
 you know i always knew that he didnt understand and he wont understand cause hes not me and im not him, but its an awful reality to mourn. like im not his child anymore, im his adult child who must not depend on him.its sad to me,and i maybe see this as a learning experience,and  i got to stop thinking he might change.:(
hes done his mourning,and he thinks i have some other mental problems.thats what he sees... and when i tell him im just hurting and i'm fine.he goes on to say, that mental people think they are fine, because the mental person like me doesnt see it. im down and id like to talk about my mom but he thinks im dwelling. he would see that,but from what ive learned,grief needs to be talked thru over and over again. he just cant see this being grief because he never got low low,which i did. and its been 3 years already and i shouldnt be affected i guess.
 just super frustrating thats all,looks like i gotta just let go. so yet another thing.i love my dad soo much, the nicest wisest guy around, so caring. just very set in his ways.
thank goodness i have my husband,cause we are on  the same page.
thanks for sharing doug:)
i am doing well,re adjusting again. hoping the next 6 months are easier on me since i am crying and talking more and crying is a good release for me. i hate crying so much because i feel like a big baby,but i know it does wonders for the soul.

thanks again,:)


s
« Last Edit: February 16, 2012, 03:15:37 PM by IMUM »

Doug1222

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Re: people just dont understand
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2012, 03:20:38 PM »
(((((Melody))))))

jasonkl

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Re: people just dont understand
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2012, 09:27:50 PM »
Melody

I saw the subject and had to read and say something. I lost my wife about 5 months ago. For the first 3 months I was bringing her fresh flowers every week( I still do). Then I would stop by and visit with her parents. The week after the holidays it became to painful to see her parents so I stoped going.They asked their grandson if I had a girlfriend, they said it was ok if I did they did not expect me to grieve forever. They said I was young and need to move on. This was their daughter I was married to not some stranger. I do not understand how they could think that in 5 months I could just move on.

Thanks for listening

Jason

IMUM

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Re: people just dont understand
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2012, 06:31:55 PM »
hi jason
thanks for sharing:)
some day when i finally have a good grip on my loss, i hope to see things lighter. right nowconfidence is way low, self esteem is low, im a bunch of insecurity right now. and i am looking for someone to hold my hand thru this, but unfortunately i have been told" we do this walk alone" and i accept that.

thanks again
jason and doug

ps,i spent a couple days with my dad and my daughters on a road trip and it was nice.

jasonkl

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Re: people just dont understand
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2012, 09:22:30 AM »
Melody
You do not have to do this walk alone. We are with you even if you can't feel us holding your hand. You are here sharing with us you are never alone. When ever you feel you are alone in this just have to come here and we will find others walking with you.

Jason

Terry

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Re: people just dont understand
« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2012, 03:53:17 PM »
Melody,

It used to bother me but doesn't any longer and I sure do understand as I've felt my share of frustration, too. I realized that others are not supposed to feel my pain. It is my pain and due to the great love I felt for that person. And, we all grieve differently. Our grief is as unique as our love for that person was. In time, I realized that no one could take my memories from me and I owned my feelings the same as the person who was grieving or not grieving for that same person.

I heard every worn out cliche and hurtful comment after my Dad died recently and I know in my heart that they were just trying to say something that would help me, so the anger I felt is no longer. I am angry but with the disease that took my Father from me. I'm in the progress of finishing a book I began years ago, documenting my Father's disease in the hope that it can help others caring for those with Alzheimer's. So, I have been channeling my anger.

Just continue to grieve the way that's healthiest for you and feel what you need to feel. It's family, a lot of the time that cannot be there for us as they, too are grieving. This is your Dad's way of handling your Mother's death and we can't control how another grieves or even, doesn't grieve. Just as your Dad cannot expect less or more of you as this is your grief and you may even want to share that with him that you're sorry he doesn't understand but it's not his to understand, it belongs to you. I know you're hurt and I'm so sorry you feel disappointed.

It seems the ones we need the most are not able or willing to be there for us. We may not be the ones you truly need to understand right now, but we're here for you and we understand and we care.

((((((((Melody))))))))

Love,
Terry
« Last Edit: February 24, 2012, 09:30:20 PM by Terry »

ldm

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Re: people just dont understand
« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2012, 07:04:15 AM »
Melody,

I know how you feel too.  After my dad passed away, my mom and I had a couple of bad moments.  I guess one thing I have learned is that no one can tell you how to grieve and I completely agree with Terry, grief is our own.  My mom, especially in the beginning, would only talk about the bad things about my dad.  Most of these memories were from their early years of marriage, (they had been married for 48 years), and being the youngest of four children, I was not alive to see the rough years.  Logically, I understand that my mom needed/needs to vent, but as a daughter and in my heart, I do not like to hear about the bad things my dad did.   One time I was venting about this to another relative, and her response was "maybe it's because your dad wasn't as perfect as you guys think he was."  I could not even respond.  I know my dad wasn't perfect, no one is, but I sure hope that when I pass, my family remembers the good over the bad!    It has been a little over 2 years now, and I don't talk to my mom anymore about sad days, and she hasn't been bringing up things he did 40+ years ago (to me anyway) so I think we may be through that stage, but I also feel like I have put up a guard with her.  The first Spring after my dad died, I felt like I was receiving all kinds of "signs" from him, and would be excited and share these with her. She asked me why I was the only one receiving them...I told her I was the only one listening!  It's still kind of like that today too, only now she just kind of shoots down my "signs' by telling me it probably is not a sign, so I try not to share this with her either.  That adds to my sadness at times, because I feel like since she is my mom, she should be understanding of my feelings too, but that's when I try to remind myself, she is grieving too, but  oh so very differently....I understand completely!!!!!  (((Melody)))

Thinking of you and hope I could help in some way!

ldm

IMUM

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Re: people just dont understand
« Reply #9 on: February 27, 2012, 04:31:46 PM »
thank you all:)

it has got alot better since my post.im accepting a lot of things and starting to take charge of MY life again. having my mom pass away has made me see everything ooooo so differently. that life isnt all roses. its a harsh reality i had to accept because before she was gone, all was perfect in the world. my life was perfect. and when grief came a knocking and i was avoiding for many years, it banged down my door like a SWAT team. taking me somewhat hostage for 5 months, constantly making me sort thru thoughts and feel things i havent felt before, it all was super hard to accept. life wasnt so wonderful anymore. now i resolve to live the best life i can for me and my family, i have 3 beautiful daughters who need a strong mommy to teach em about life and unfortunately about death. and i hope when my time comes that my girls wont try to be strong for each other and i hope they let each other weep and weep and share and share their feelings, thats what i have taken from all this. also, i have also decided to seize the day. i wouldnt have tried that 5 months ago, but now i know and accept that life is precious and short, i dont want to miss a thing.
i see memories now as gifts, they make me cry, but thats good. ugh i miss her so much. after the anger subsided and i accepted my hurt, i forgave.we're all human, im not a perfect mother. i have let my little ones down before. im not a perfect wife, but i love love love my husband. time to honor my mom for her job well done and that was raising me to be the women, mom, friend, daughter,wife i am today. she loved me sooo much and for awhile i had to be mad at her and at my dad for not understanding. its all good now. maybe it will come back around, maybe not, i have no clue. all i know is that i am different, better and stronger since sept 2011. death impacts us all. but makes us wiser and stronger for the future.
i will post again when the time comes to vent again.
(see i knew there was a rational human being somewhere in this head of mine, because for a long while i thought i was slowly losing my mind, somedays though i still get anxious and when i do get anxious i know i need to cry, i have 3 years to make up for some tears i didnt shed)

thank you all for your support and understanding. its true we have our own unique grief but we definately dont have to be alone thru it. i have feltn soo much better just typing out my feelings here at webhealing. somedays i would feel instant relief after i typed my post out. knowing it wasnt in my mind anymore and hoping someone would reply. which you all have helped with.


thanks again
melody:)

IMUM

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Re: people just dont understand
« Reply #10 on: February 27, 2012, 04:38:15 PM »
funny little tidbit

i had made a new friend last year who had lost her mother to breast cancer as well, and i couldnt see why she wasnt moving on, after 6 years, and her life is pretty up and down most days. and i would joke about how life IS up and down and all around as i would support her, i made up this mantra, well im sure ididnt make it up, but i lived by it until sept 2011. that saying was" acceptance is the key to happiness" and id live by that  daily!!! having to wake up each day and send my girl off to school when i was super tired. and then plug thru my day with 2 other little ones.  now why i didnt live by that now, is beyond me.
but its back. i use it again.  :))
(((IDM))
((( TERRY)))
(((jason))
(((doug)))
 

Doug1222

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Re: people just dont understand
« Reply #11 on: February 28, 2012, 09:50:34 AM »
I'm glad you're feeling better, Melody.

rozzie01

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Re: people just dont understand
« Reply #12 on: February 28, 2012, 01:33:42 PM »
Hi Melody,

First let me say that I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have a lot of brilliant ideas or witty mantras to help you feel better I just want you to know that I totally understand. I lost my Mommie in 2011 also it has been just a year and a few days. I often feel as if the rest of the world has moved on like she never existed even my siblings. Everyone has to grieve in their own time and in their own way. Some of us I consider extra sensitive souls mourn every single thing about the person that we lost. I personally can't even watch television shows that Mommie and I would watch together or shows that were her favorite. Just know that what you are feeling the loneliness, the loss and even some abandonment are all valid and real emotions. I wish I could offer more but the only thing that I can offer is an understanding soul and what I have learned here in this forum and that is that we go on one breath at a time one step in front of the next. Don't let anyone make you feel as if any other way is wrong. The way you grieve is the right way for you.

Best wishes

Rozzie

((((((Melody)))))) :engel2:

Terry

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Re: people just dont understand
« Reply #13 on: March 07, 2012, 12:07:22 AM »
 
(((((((Melody))))))) Thinking of you.

Terry

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Re: people just dont understand
« Reply #14 on: March 20, 2012, 09:18:39 AM »

How are you, Melody? Please update when you find the time.

Love,
Terry