(((((((((((((((((Helene)))))))))))))))))) ((((((((((((((((((Pam))))))))))))))))))))
I don't know of forgiveness, I have not been able to forgive myself. But not because I could not save her, She was living in hell. The pain she lived with daily I can't even imagine. The only hope for relief is to allow a doctor to put you into a coma for seven days and even that only had 70% sucess rate. My guilt has to with how I treated her before she passed, the fact that I was nethier loving or understanding that night. I was in the next room when she passed, I might have well been a millon miles away, I could not save her. I will have to say to you both what has been said to me many times, we did the best we could with the information we had at the time.
You both feel guilt for not being there, for not having the chance to try or say goodbye. I can share with you my experience. When I checked on my wife the first time she was laying in a strange position, but she was breathing. I learned to check because she always feel asleep with food in her mouth. I tryed to lay her down she was unresponsive, which shoud have been a red flag, but my mind was else where at the time. She would always wake up when I moved her, this time she did not. About an hour later I went to check on her and same thing she was in some weird position, went to moive her again, but this time she was not breathing. I tryed to check her pulse but my heart was beating so hard and fast all I could feel was mine, so I grabed her blood presure cuff and her stethoscope (before she got hurt she was an emt). I put the cuff on her turned it on (automatic one she had blood presure issues) and used the stethoscope to find a heart beat. I dont know if you have ever listened to a heart beat through one before but it is very loud and hard most of the time, when I put it to her chest I heard nothing, I don't have the word to discrible the lack of noise or how it feels to hear nothing. I can tell you it is something I never what to hear or feel again. I droped the stethoscope and called 911. I told the operator she was not breathing and that there was no heart beat, he told me to get her on a hard surface and start cpr. I did what I was told, I can only tell you it was the most helpless feeling in the world doing cpr on a preson who you love and they do not respond to the chest compressions. I did cpr for 10 minutes until the emts got here then they took over, they worked on her for ten minutes and then they said those words you don't ever want to here( we are sorry, we did every thing we could, we could not save her). Not being there or not being able to save them, I feel the pain it is the same, the guilt may be there for different reasons but I think it is still the same too.
I lost my baby bother 12 years ago. He was severly handicaped. Most of his brain was damaged or dead from a medical mistake at birth. He was not to live after the turned the ventaltor off, but he was a fighter and lived for an other 16 years. I could not save him either or take away his pain and I know he suffer alot of pain in his short life. I remember when I was about 11 he had a seizure so bad that he broke both his legs because his muscles contracted so hard and fast. While doing the surgry to set his legs the doctors cut out most of the muscles in his legs to keep it from happening again. I could not save or take away his pain. In my heart I know that there was nothing I could for him. It took me a long time to understand this.
I understand more than I wish to. I just wanted to share one more thing. The main reason for moving with my bother and his family was one day I came home from work and found my wife on the floor in the dinning room. She was passed out and I could not wake her up at first. I don't know how long she was there and she did not remember how she got there. That was the scarest moment up till that time.
Sorry this is so long. I hope this helps or at least lets you guys know you are not alone. Helene your are not a bad preson, you are hurting. We all punish are selves when we think we could have/ should have done more. I hope the that some day we can all learn to forgive ours selves for things we can not control.
Thanks for listening
Jason