Author Topic: been awhile  (Read 2327 times)

cokieslittlegirl

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been awhile
« on: February 03, 2012, 10:44:53 PM »
Feb 11 will be the third anniversary of my father's death.  I have a 14 month old daughter now and have moved from the place my Dad last knew was my home.  Things have changed in my life...yet one thing hasn't and that's the pain I keep feeling, the gaping hole that won't close up. Yeah sure I can now pull myself from my bed in the morning, I laugh but definitely not near as much as I used to, I can now move through life looking fairly normal...but I'm not...I'm so damaged...and I fake it for my marriage's sake and for my daughter's too and I guess I fake it for me as well...because what other choice do I have?...sometimes I think the only reason I chose to have my daughter was because I knew she'd keep me alive, that I'd have to keep living for her. And she does that for me. I have no choice but to go on for her...I created her and I give her all of me everyday. I am a good mother. My dad would be proud if he could see it.

Today i took her to the park and I watched three elderly people walk by. It was one of those thoughts that hit me square in the face ( and I've had the same one before). As I watched my daughter and the elderly folks back and forth it hit me again that she won't get to experience him and neither will he...his only grandchild.  What a rip off.  I still feel so cheated...for him, me, my daughter, my step mother. I wanted to scream until my veins bled right then and there...the only thing that stopped me was that sweet little face of hers.  I am amazed at how quickly I am still unraveled by these thoughts.


And now the PTSD has really ramped up againstarting in Dec...same thing every year at this time...it doesn't get better.  It doesn't "water down" with the passage of time.  I miss my father  and I don't want to have to keep living this long with out him. Seems like such a long time to bear this pain.

I know many of you understand. Thank you for listening.

Terry

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Re: been awhile
« Reply #1 on: February 03, 2012, 11:14:22 PM »

Hi Keri,

It's nice to hear from you again. Thanks for updating on how you've been doing. And, I'm happy for you and your new blessing, your precious daughter. I know she's brought new meaning to your life.

My Dad recently died. December 18th after an 11 year battle with the awful disease of Alzheimer's. I miss him so much. I moved him in with me after my son died, which was 9 years ago but was caring for him in his home at the time when he was first diagnosed. I am basically a lost puppy right now. I was also Daddy's girl. :(

These dates, especially the days, even weeks leading up to them are so very difficult. Please know you have my heart as you're missing your wonderful and beloved Father.

I can relate as I also have PTSD and I don't believe time heals, but I have found that after a lot of time has passed, the pain becomes different, tolerable. I don't think the pain could be anything 'but' unbearable, as much and as deeply as we loved. The pain is a reminder of that love.

I've added your Dad's Angel Date on our Parent Loss page, "Angel Dates & Birthdays" and we will honor him on his day in the remembering.

Missing our Dad's tonight.

(((((((Keri)))))))

Love,
Terry

cokieslittlegirl

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Re: been awhile
« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2012, 01:42:53 PM »
Hi Terry,

Thanks for responding. I am so sorry to hear that you lost your father recently.  It must have been so incredibly difficult to watch the effects of Alzheimers on someone you love so much.  And even though sometimes death for someone suffering this way can be a relief of sorts both on them and you, it still just hurts so very deeply.  Lost...yes I feel the same. Fathers are such great beacons in life...especially it seems to their baby girls...such a strong connection can be created.

That's what I struggle with so much. My father and I were so connected that now I just don't know what to do with the frayed ends that have been severed. I know some will say that you connect in other ways...yes true, but you know it is just never the same and those other ways do nothing for me when I'm missing him so much I can barely breathe from anxiety or when the pain is so deep that I just want to run away from myself.  Bottom line is that some way or another you just have to keep pushing through and I guess for some it is easier and some harder. For me it is the hardest battle every day.  It is a lonely battle too. I find it so hard to relate to people now. I have been changed so much...it's difficult to find that person I used to be. People say it helps to talk about it...but after 3 years no one wants to hear my sob story you know? No one wants to be "brought down" by another person's tragedy...gets too close for comfort I guess. People say that they are "there" for you...but the reality is they are not going to stay for long...at least not most.   Except here...here you're good...you can say anything, but "here' is a lonely place too.  Although it is comforting to know that others experience this type of pain too...it's hard to identify this in the everyday world.

Well, I rambled.  And I ranted. I guess this is a good place for that.  i just wish for everyone here and for myself, the strength it takes to keep moving forward. 
Thank you for your thoughts Terry. I hope you found some strength today. :)

Terry

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Re: been awhile
« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2012, 08:17:58 PM »
Hi Terry,

Thanks for responding. I am so sorry to hear that you lost your father recently.  It must have been so incredibly difficult to watch the effects of Alzheimers on someone you love so much.  And even though sometimes death for someone suffering this way can be a relief of sorts both on them and you, it still just hurts so very deeply.  Lost...yes I feel the same. Fathers are such great beacons in life...especially it seems to their baby girls...such a strong connection can be created.


Beyond words, as nothing can describe the pain, the sadness of watching my Father mentally and physically deteriorate from the awful disease of Alzheimers, right before my eyes. I miss him so much and will until the day I die. The hole in my heart from my other losses, is now such a huge gaping hole beyond what I ever thought I would have to live with.

I have started a legacy scrapbook for my Dad and have been working on it daily. Digging out childhood pictures and adding a story to each. It has helped with the pain of missing him so much. I talk to him all the time. I write letters to him and leave them on his night stand.


I have been changed so much...it's difficult to find that person I used to be. People say it helps to talk about it...but after 3 years no one wants to hear my sob story you know? No one wants to be "brought down" by another person's tragedy...gets too close for comfort I guess. People say that they are "there" for you...but the reality is they are not going to stay for long...at least not most.   Except here...here you're good...you can say anything, but "here' is a lonely place too.  Although it is comforting to know that others experience this type of pain too...it's hard to identify this in the everyday world.


Yes, it's hard when others stop mentioning them and it's because their lives were not affected by their death the way ours was. People who have not yet experienced a great loss do not understand how important it is to remember our loved ones and mention their names to us, also to remember dates. I know it's hurtful. We all experience it. I'm sorry. I 'do' understand.

We'll always remember your Dad here, if that brings you any comfort.

I wish for strength, also for all here. Time does make the pain 'different' and we learn to take the pain and the sadness with us when we move forward out of the darkness, and it becomes a part of us instead of it defining us.

We'll always be Daddy's Little Girls...that's comforting to me. Dad's don't leave their little girls. Thanks for sharing how you've been doing. It's helped me to be able to talk about my Dad with someone who feels the same way.

Holding you close as your Dad's Angel Date is nearing.

(((((((((Keri)))))))))

Love,
Terry