I have had things circleing in my head for a few weeks now. Trying to decide if I should post them or wait to talk to a grief counselor. My search for a greif counselor has come up short and I need to get some things off my chest. For last few months of my wifes life I was not the best husband. To be honest I was ( every word in the book). I was there for her physically. I made sure she got to her appointments, she got her meds, and had food to eat, ect. . But emotionally I was not. When she first got hurt I was there for her tryed my best to support her. But as time wore on and her condition got worse, our relationship changed. More she got dependant on me the more fustrated I got. Everything fell on my shoulders, the cooking, the cleaning, all the running around, all the tasks of dailly life. On top of my wife's injury, my mom has bad knees for the last 5 or so years I have done almost all her shopping for her and walked her dogs for her everynight. She did ask my bother to take on some of my duties but he became unrealable after the first couple days, so it fell back on me. As time worn on my anger turned to resentment. I became cold, uncaring and down right mean. In the end we began to fight about everything and worse I can't tell you how many times I told her to leave. Even the living arangement I am in now was against her wishes. She knew this would not work us living with my bother, but I did not listen to her. To tell the turth I think her protests made me want to do it more. I was no longer a loving husband, but just a mean preson she had to depend on. Over the last few months as this has been rolling around in my head I have come to realize that all of this started about a year ago. We were always very physical. After she got hurt things did not change that much, until about a year and a half ago. All of the suddend we went from at least once a week to almost never. I though it was me, then I though she was cheating on me and then I did not know what to think. It was the meds and the pain, I know that now. But for some reason I could not understand that while she was still here. She could not physically do anything and I could not understand. I am not sure if I can explain, but it was like I need it to know she still cared, that with out that conection with her things just weren't right. I know she told me it was the pain and the meds. I know she told me it wasn't me. I know she told me she wanted to but she just couldn't. And I know I wasn't very understanding.
The last time I talked to her we had a fight it was about how she could not go with our son to the hospital. About how her smoking lead to the fight with my sister- in-law and how because of her we were going to have to come up with the money to move again. Before she passed away she felt no love from me, no support for me. Just my anger and my fustration. She did not deserve any of what I put her through. It was not her fault she got hurt, it was not her fault that the injury cause all the pain she was in. and most of all it was not her fault that I did not know how to handle any of it.
The hell I am in now is where I belong. I need to feel all this pain and so much more. She was a good preson,she had a heart of gold. She deserved so much better than me.
Thanks for listening
Jason