bad husband

[jasonkl]

I have had things circleing in my head for a few weeks now. Trying to decide if I should post them or wait to talk to a grief counselor. My search for a greif counselor has come up short and I need to get some things off my chest. For last few months of my wifes life I was not the best husband. To be honest I was ( every word in the book). I was there for her physically. I made sure she got to her appointments, she got her meds, and had food to eat, ect. . But emotionally I was not. When she first got hurt I was there for her tryed my best to support her. But as time wore on and her condition got worse, our relationship changed. More she got dependant on me the more fustrated I got. Everything fell on my shoulders, the cooking, the cleaning, all the running around, all the tasks of dailly life. On top of my wife's injury, my mom has bad knees for the last 5 or so years I have done almost all her shopping for her and walked her dogs for her everynight. She did ask my bother to take on some of my duties but he became unrealable after the first couple days, so it fell back on me. As time worn on my anger turned to resentment.  I became cold, uncaring and down right mean. In the end we began to fight about everything and worse I can't tell you how many times I told her to leave. Even the living arangement I am in now was against her wishes. She knew this would not work us living with my bother, but I did not listen to her. To tell the turth I think her protests made me want to do it more. I was no longer a loving husband, but just a mean preson she had to depend on. Over the last few months as this has been rolling around in my head I have come to realize that all of this started about a year ago. We were always very physical. After she got hurt things did not change that much, until about a year and a half ago. All of the suddend we went from at least once a week to almost never. I though it was me, then I though she was cheating on me and then I did not know what to think. It was the meds and the pain, I know that now. But for some reason I could not understand that while she was still here. She could not physically do anything and I could not understand. I am not sure if I can explain, but it was like I need it to know she still cared,  that with out that conection with her things just weren't right. I know she told me it was the pain and the meds. I know she told me it wasn't me. I know she told me she wanted to but she just couldn't. And I know I wasn't very understanding.

The last time I talked to her we had a fight it was about how she could not go with our son to the hospital. About how her smoking lead to the fight with my sister- in-law and how because of her we were going to have to come up with the money to move again. Before she passed away she felt no love from me, no support for me. Just my anger and my fustration. She did not deserve any of what I put her through. It was not her fault she got hurt, it was not her fault that the injury cause all the pain she was in. and most of all it was not her fault that I did not know how to handle any of it.

The hell I am in now is where I belong. I need to feel all this pain and so much more. She was a good preson,she had a heart of gold. She deserved so much better than me.

Thanks for listening

Jason

[angie]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((JASON)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I have just read what u have written.Jason NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
Noone not even your wife would have blamed you for feeling frustrated n angry with your life at the time.You were n still are only human.Your wife knew you loved her she knew you were doing your very best.All relationships have ups and downs but thro it all u were there for her.
You were not a Bad Husband you were The Best Husband and i know your wife would agree with me on that one.Your wife DIDNOT deserve better than u.You r AMAZING (another thing i know she would agree with me on.)
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF
You are mentally emotionally and phsically drained so stop punishing yourself.You need to put yourself first.You deserve that.I know it is easier said than done but please STOP beating urself up.
I am not and never have been religious but for the first time inmy life i am gonna say a pray for you and i truly hope it will bring at least some peace to you.You deserve that Jason.
I hope i have said nothing to upset or offend you(if i have then heartfelt apologies)  I tend to open my mouth n put my foot right in it.If i have done that please know that was not my intentions
I wish with all my heart that i could take your pain away Jason


          SENDING YOU HUGE HUGS AND ALL MY LOVE
                   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[Luvinmike]

You also have my prayers for your strength in this jason. and to you angie for peace. If it might help you Jason, I remind myself that we are all going to die and it is just a timeline, a man-made measurement.
It is too bad that you two did not resolve this while physically able, but you would have, hindsight is what you are doing, her death is and was far beyond your control. There was love there for both of you or none of this would have happened.
Sorry for your enormous pain.

Terri

[jasonkl]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((angie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for the prayers, love and huggs.  I needed to put into words what has been going through my head these last few weeks. I am really struggling with what happened the night she passed. I just needed her to be awake when I got back from taking my sons girlfriend home, needed to be able to resolve that last fight. She use to always tell me becareful what you say, once you say it you can take it back. I never listened and this time I really can't fix it. I don't not wish her back for that would mean she would still be in all the debilateing pain, I don't even wish for the chance to say good bye, because I know I would not be able to. I just wanted the chance to say I was sorry.

I have been battleing with the greif for a while now. Every time I post something supportive a little voice in my head asks where was that supportive preson 6 months ago, where was he when his wife needed him. Most of the time I can ignore this, but on bad days the voice wins and my hell begins again. I want so bad to move past this, I need to learn to change my thinking just not there yet.  In time I am hoping to have this monster under control again.

Angie a few days ago you posted   : I wish I could offer words to comfort you or give you good advice or even wise words of wisdom but i cant(kind of makes me feel useless cos i cant reach out and help others the way evryone on here helps me). You are not useless and just knowing that some listens and cares enought to send love and huggs when facing ther own pain is always more than enough. And today you reached out to me. ( there gos that voice again). Thank you.(((((((((((((((Angie))))))))))))))

Terri
Thank you for your prayers and kind words. I hope to someday be able to look past that night and remeber the love instead of the pain.

Thank you both again

Jason

[arthur]

Hi Jason..I just read your post and had to say something.  I agree with Angie..you are blaming yourself for something that was really beyond your control.  You still love your wife despite the challenging circumstances that you both faced with her illness..you didn't leave her..you stayed with her and you were faithful..alot of men wouldn't have-couldn't have- done that.  Not only did you stay with her and care for her..you loved her. You did all this despite what the situation was doing to you.  You deserve alot more for that than what life has given you. The fighting was caused by the enourmous mental cost of what the difficult situation were doing to you and your wife. Don't hit yourself for being human in a very difficult situation.  You see Jason..Maureen and I faced very similar circumstances to what you and your wife faced. Just before her death, Maureen's health had degenerated to the point where neither of us got more than a few(3-4)hours of sleep a night.  This lack of sleep caused both of us so many problems, irritability amongst the most challenging.  We fought alot because of it...but we still both loved each other so much. Neither of us were in a position to get more help for her and I because of our circumstances. More than anything I wish to God she was still here with me, despite all the difficulties I faced. But I am glad she doesn't have to face her disability anymore, and that she is free of it.  I'll pray for you too Jason. Hang in there man!-arthur 

[gaberax]

Jason, I went through the stress of managing a household and taking care of a very sick wife.  For three months that went on...and carrying the burden and fear that everything might be worse than the doctors were telling us.  And trying to attend to her needs. No one in either of our families knew what was happening (Denise didn't want them to know.)  Two weeks before she passed it became obvious to both of us that things were not getting better.  At times I was angry, short-tempered and frustrated.  Trying to keep up appearances (cutting the grass, doing laundry, grocery shopping, taking care of the dog, working late into the night to keep my job.) Trying to put on the brave face for her. Crying, tired, hurt and angry. And the loneliness (which I am still experiencing today) had started.  I felt like I was taking on more than I could effectively handle...and I was probably right.  All the while Denise's mental capacity continued to fray.

You also had children to take care of.  My God, man.  That is a lot of pressure.

I think there is a lot of good advice being given here.  Forgiveness starts with forgiving yourself. I am sure you did everything the best you possibly could.

I would make two recommendations:
1) Continue to look for counseling.  You need to get this resolved to move forward.
2) Start a daily journal of how you feel.  Don't hold back (I am writing one and I let my emotions rip.)  You don't have to share it with anyone (I don't) but it is a good way to get some of you emotions out.  And you can go back later and it might help you to understand some of the things you have been through.  It also helps you track the good days and bad days.  Over time it might even help you figure out how you get through the bad days.

Best of luck.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Bob

[sonya]

(((((((((((Jason)))))))))))))

Hi there,

I hear you and your pain Jason. You have been given wonderful advice and suggestions. I will be taking those on board myself, I particularly like Gaberax' journal of emotions.

For a while all I could see was how brilliant Tony was and how rubbish I had been. I could only see the times when I was wrong. I knew it was not true that I was this horrible person, after all he was a clever guy and would never have wanted to be with someone so mean.

So I looked through photo albums. I remembered holidays that we shared and presents I gave. Then I started to remember silly little things that we did and the memories of me being nice and loving started to come back. It was also important for me to remember the times when he got it wrong too. We loved each other dearly and we both made mistakes and we both were really nice to each other too. Because like everyone else we are both human and just do our best.

I too have massive regrets from the days before his death. For a while they were so overwhelming I found myself re-running conversations constantly. Now when I find myself doing this I consciously stop. I cannot change what happened but I can stop torturing myself.

I also wrote a couple of letters to Tone since he died. Sharing great memories and how much I love him. But crucially, asking for forgiveness for my mistakes, saying I was sorry and explaining what happened. I burned the letters and as the smoke rose I visualised it going up to him. As he was dyslexic i read it out to him too to be sure lol! The point is that these letters helped me to begin to forgive myself. Allowed me to have the conversations that I was not able to have before he left.

These are things that helped me through a patch of horrible guilt and torment. Maybe they can help you too.

Sending massive hugs and prayers and hoping they reach you too.

SOn

[angie]

(((((((((((((((JASON)))))))))))))))

I am in a good place today.Hope you are too.You deserve to be
        HUGE HUGS

       Angie
         XXXXX

[MyLou]

(((((((((((((((( JASON )))))))))))))))))


Everything you did I would say you were a GREAT husband.  Please don't be so hard on yourself. Your Jen loved/loves you forever remember that my friend.

Love,

Lisa

[Terry]

((((((((Jason)))))))) Sending you my love, buddy.

[oneangel]

Lots of great advice already given to you. And said better than anything I can offer.
All the best to you Jason! You did the best you could.

(((HUGS)))

[Doug1222]

Jason,
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. We're all here anytime you need us.

The only thing I can say is something that just hit me a few years ago. Most people do the best they can with what they have. It took me a long, long time to just accept that. 

I think oneangel is right. You did the best you could.

I hope tomorrow finds you in a better place.
Doug

[johnkmurray]

Jason,

Hindsight is 20/20, but as has already been said you did the best you could at the time. That you weren't perfect simply highlights the amount of stress you were both experiencing ... and our human inclination to second guess ourselves after the fact. Many of us went through similar circumstances, to one degree or another, and I would bet real money that each and every one of us can think of a number of ways we could have been a better husband, wife, soulmate. I was doing so earlier this evening, not long before I sat down at the computer to check this board. The trick is to not let it consume you.

John

[jasonkl]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((all of you)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Thank you all for your enunderstanding, love ,hugs , and prayers.The human mind is an amazing thing is it. It can take a small little peice of stress and make you feel like the world is falling down around you, or it can take a major event and minamise it so it does not consume you.

My mind can be a very dark place. This little voice inside my head has been quite for a long time, or atleast I learn to not hear it for years. I spent years in therapy to learn to deal with it. There was apoint in my life, I was 15 when I tryed to take my own life. I spent 6 months in inpatient treatment to try and learn how to handle loss. It was a girlfriend that broke up with me that pushed me over the edge at that time. About 2 years later I found myself in the same place, wantting to die because I had started to use drugs, sex and alcohol to numb my pain. I went from hurting myself to hurting everyone around me back to hurting myself again. Some where in all this mess I meet my wife. She was the only preson to visit me when I signed myself back in for inpatient treatment. My parents just though I was doing it to get out of school, and I was looking for attention. Just wanted you all to have alittle insight into my crazy mind.

(((((((((((((((((((Bob and Arthur))))))))))))))))))) , thank you for sharing you experances with me. It is helpful to know I am not the only one who felt the way I have, or regrets some of the things I said and did .

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sonya))))))))))))))))))))))))))))),I have not found any memories where she was wrong yet, I am trying. She kwen how to handle me, most of our fights were one sided she would just let me rant and rave and would not say a thing. She would just listen. Now that I think about it i never won any of our fights because there was never a fight it was always just me. I do like your idea of the letters and the fire I may have to do that one. I don't have the will power to write a journal and I would be afraid my kids would find it and it would scare them.

((((((((((((((((((((((((Lisa))))))))))))))))))))
My friend I try so hard to just remenber the love, it seems I am not there yet. But I will contunie to try.

(((((((Angie )))))))))))))))))
I am so happy for you to be having a good day,enjoy it. thank you for sharing it with me/us.

(((((((((Angela))))))))))))))))
Thank you

((((((((((((((((((((Doug)))))))))))))))), (((((((((((((((((((((((John))))))))))))))))))))))

You both speak the truth and I am hoping some day my mind and heart will understand and believe I did the best I could.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Terry)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
thank you for sending love when your heart is hurt so much.

Again thank you all for listening to me and sending all the huggs and the understanding.

Jason

[jasonkl]

Its me again There was a something I wanted to say but wasn't sure where to put it. I wrote about that little voive in my head. There is also something else I have been doing and I wanted to share. I really hope this doesn't sound to crazy. But somewhere in my mind, I feel that I show her I can be supportive, that I don't get mad. that if I keep talking, writing,and sharing, she will come back. I have found my self thinking ok I done this for long enough you can come back now. Or asking how much more do I have to do? You have proved your point you can come home now. I have even pleaded with her to please come back, I don't want to do this any more. I have told her I'm sorry, that I will do what ever she needs me to. I find myself doing this every few days. I don't know if this is normal or not but it is starting to get to me that I can accept the reality that she is not coming back and that I can not change this. I find these though are floating around in my head all the time.

Thanks for listening
Jason