Author Topic: Changes  (Read 4184 times)

sonya

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Changes
« on: January 11, 2012, 04:07:22 AM »
Hi all,

thishas been a very difficult time for us all. Combined with bolidays I havebeen a guest in people s houses as I have been working in Kenya and spending the holidays in the uk. It was Tone's birthday on new years eve which of course was also a big day for me. He would have been 39.

I found out a couple of days before I was due to fly back that Tone's inquest is set for the end of jan.    I contacted work to delay my return and my boss suggested that I did not return at all. He was being really supportive and knew how much I have struggled due in part to being so far away from old friends. So work have been very good and I have accepted there offer and have resigned.
My friend here has said I canstay with her for the next few months.
My dr has put me on mess which are making me feel very wonky at the moment but I know that they are likely to do that for the first couple of weeks.
The inquest is a week on Tuesday so I hope that they are working by then.
I guess after that I need to start finding another job.
I feel that I made the right decision but know that this time is not the right time to be moving continents and making massive changes but don't know what else to do. I can't facing going back there so staying is the right thing to do. Am terrified that this is the wrong thing to do and am really scared of the idea of starting a new job with new people.
Not sure why I am posting this. I guess just to share my anxieties and uncertainties. Really wish someone could just tell me what to do and sort it all out for me.
Thanks for listening.
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

gaberax

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Re: Changes
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2012, 06:47:23 AM »
(((sonya)))

I can relate to what you are saying in your post.  I had an offer on a condo and yesterday it was accepted by the seller.  Definitely mixed emotions...leaving the house where I was so happy for so many years. Plus the moving.  Pain mixed with trepidation mixed with a little excitement.  Denise's sister tells me the change will do me good.  Maybe so.

Just coming to terms with Denise's death and now life is demanding I pick up and move on.  Get busy with the business of living in this world.  I am so very tired.  I am in a very strange place these days.  Can't go back and not wanting to go forward.

Since Denise's death I have felt like I have been thrown into a raging river.  Not so much in control as trying to keep swimming and keep from drowning.  I smile when I remember Denise, in the midst of her illness, quoting the fish Dory from Disney's Finding Nemo, 'Just keep swimming,  just keep swimming..."

On the way to work this morning I ran through a red light.  I've never done that before.  So much on my mind...so much to absorb and handle.  Too much.  I am losing focus.

Here's hoping you find your way and can keep stroking till you reach calmer waters.

sonya

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Re: Changes
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2012, 07:27:38 AM »
((((bob))))

thank you so much. Felt a bit mental rambling on lost in my own post, let alone in my life. Feels comforting to know that I am not on the river alone. Keep paddling too. Thank you
Son x
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

johnkmurray

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Re: Changes
« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2012, 12:15:49 PM »
Or as we say here in the north Georgia mountains .. "Paddle faster, I hear banjos!"

AC Mom

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Re: Changes
« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2012, 02:10:58 PM »
Sonja,

Making changes in ones life isn't easy, without being in the middle of grief.  About a year after AC died, my husband at the time, filed for divorce.  I had not worked in a few years, and I had no family in the immediate area.

I called a cousin, and he suggested I move south 650 miles into one of his rental propertys, and we would work the details out later.   No job, no money, with help from my nephew I loaded what was in the house and moved. 

I was scared to death.  My only child had just died, I was totally alone and I had not set foot in a office in 4  years, I didn't know what was going to happen.  I wasn't young anymore, and getting a job was going to be difficult.

Here I am 8 years later, working and living alone and enjoying it most of the time.   The job I settled for has turned out to be the most interesting job I have ever had.  The pay sucks, but it pays the bills! 

You will be okay!!

Love and Hugs
Peggy

gaberax

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Re: Changes
« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2012, 03:23:10 PM »
Or as we say here in the north Georgia mountains .. "Paddle faster, I hear banjos!"

LOL!   This river don't go to Aintry.

jasonkl

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Re: Changes
« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2012, 10:27:02 PM »
((((((((((((((((((Sonya and Bob))))))))))))))))))))))

I want to give you my support , but been in my own wierd place last few days( stuck in a whirlpool maybe). I have been unable to find the words to write.

We have to what feels right for us, even if that means moving from one continent to an other or down sizeing your living space. Life is full of uncertainies, and this path we are on now makes us question even the simple decesions. Right or wrong I would be pround that I made a decesion.

Hopeing all gos well for the both of you.

Jason

MyLou

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Re: Changes
« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2012, 05:01:38 AM »
(((((((((((((( SONYA ))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((( BOB )))))))))))))))))))


I know that's a big decision you both made, but don't question it.  It was meant for you both to move. 

Bob love that movie Nemo that movie made me cry.  Haven't seen that in like forever. So true we have to keep swimming.


Always,

Lisa
[/b]
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

sonya

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Re: Changes
« Reply #8 on: January 14, 2012, 11:59:21 AM »
(((((((((((All)))))))))))))

Thank you all so much for sharing. Thought I would give you a bit of an update.

I  have been in a grim place as you can tell from my previous post.
The meds the Dr put me on have made me feel very odd but today I felt much better so I guess they are settling down and starting to do their job. Still not feeling completely right (obviously med-wise) but hopefully will in the next few days.

I am feeling better about my decision. Thanks Jason you are right, it is good just to decide.

Realised once again today how lucky I am to have amazing friends, both on here and in the 'real' world too. I think I have not seen any positives in such a long time that this really lifted me. I take it as a sign that things are starting to shift a little, which is good.

As ever, thanks for being there.

Son
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

Terry

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Re: Changes
« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2012, 12:41:10 PM »

Sonya,

I'm sure whatever you decide will work for you. Just follow your heart. The worst case scenario is that it will not work out and so what? You move in another direction and another until one fits. That's what we have to do, sometimes.

Know you have my support and understanding during this difficult time.

Love,
Terry

sonya

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Re: Changes
« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2012, 04:16:57 AM »
(((Terry)))

Seem to have more feelings back today after 2 weeks of tablets making me feel very odd. Good to actually care again, but difficult.
I dont have many words at the moment, just trying to hold it together until the inquest next Tuesday. No idea what to expect but just know that it will be another difficult day. Have mixed feelings about it...really want it to be over with as this is the last official thing to be done and then I can get on with grieving and processing.
Really dont want it to be done because its the last thing I will ever get to do for Tone.
Mixed up feelings but I am sure they are probably fairly common.
I dont think that the inquest will give me many more answers but I hope it will. I want a forensic moment by moment analysis and clear definaite answers, and obviously I wont get anything like that. I dont really care in a sense because of course I want the only thing that no one can ever give me, I want Tone back.
Its a sad day today.

So I will make a brew and light the fire. I sorted out a bike yesterday so I actually have some transport so I will spend the morning cleaning it and getting it ready for riding. I think that will be enough for today.

I guess I had more words than I thought!

Hope you are all doing ok

((((((((((((((((((((((hugs to all the paddlers))))))))))))))))))))))
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

jasonkl

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Re: Changes
« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2012, 07:12:26 AM »
(((((((((((Sonya))))))))))

These days I find myself at a loss for words to. I use to be able to post everyday, some times more than once a day now. Now it feels if I just want to post the samethings over and over again. I feel I am stuck and nothing is changeing. Or Maybe I am just overwhelmed and trying to process to many thingds at the same time. I am hoping my mind will straight some of this out in the next few days so I can maybe think again.


Your fellow paddler

Jason