Oh sweetie,
I can only share what I've personally been through and what has worked for me and if something clicks and you can relate, that would be great. No two people, and I know that phrase sounds over-used but it's so true...grieve alike. The 'spells' you refer to, I have come to know as 'grief bursts' and they come out of, not nowhere because they come from the pain of our loss, but they come without any warning and can literally knock us down for the count. Pain doesn't speak...it screams and it's akin to a demon being inside trying to claw it's way out of us. That's how I view a 'grief burst.'
But, the really good news is they become less frequent over time and less intense in severity. And, the reason you're hearing that this is what you're going to have to learn to live with. But, it won't be this intense pain that you are feeling now. Please believe that. Because if you didn't believe it, then you wouldn't have much reason to continue on this journey because then HOPE would be taken out of the equation and without HOPE, we cannot last a day.
And, remember that 'one day at a time' is too long in the beginning. Baby steps. One moment. One minute. One hour. Then, after a long time has passed, (and that time can come at any time and will be welcomed into your life) we make it for 3 or 4 hours a day, holding steady and feeling our balance and then the day will come when you will be able to cope with the pain for an entire day. That's when I knew I was on my way. But, that didn't come over night. It certainly didn't come after just 5 months. With my surviving son, it came after 3 long years.
When we love deeply, our grief and pain is fueled by that love. I couldn't even see straight at 5 months, let alone think about how I was going to live with the pain. I was just trying to make it through each day without screaming and losing my voice.
Take 'time' and shove it right now. It means nothing. Take care of Jason each moment of each hour and of each day and do the best you can. There is no magic pill we can take and there's no amount of alcohol that will take the pain away, because alcohol is a depressant and numbs the pain temporarily and then it comes back full force when it wears off. It was tempting, but if I was to start drinking after my son died, I wouldn't be alive today. Or, if I were to survive, I would be in the same place I was when he first died.
I posted my feelings every day. Sometimes 4 and 5 times a day. I also journal and do still to this day. We can't, not even for an hour suppress anything we're feeling. It's like poison to our systems. What do we do when we're nausiated? We throw up. It's the same with pain. When we feel pain, we get it out. Your posting these feelings is so healthy, Jason and you'll benefit from sharing your pain. Truly.
These last few days I was wishing for the corage the ability to be able to lose the pain or take my own life.
You can't lose the pain. The pain and the love and the memories...it's a package deal. The pain is from your great love and to lose the pain would be to lose all memory of that great love. You can, however 'manage' the pain.
I never underestimate the power these dates have over us. They can take us to a very dark place and HOPE doesn't live there. And, it's not always the actual date rather the anticipation of that date that can tear us apart. I take very good care of myself, especially physically. Eating well, sleeping well and getting enough exercise. It's almost like preparing for an event that we know is going to use a lot of our resources. I distance myself from people who cause me pain and distress. That's the best I can do. Then, I deal with it the best I can and am never disappointed in myself because I am only human.
You loved your wife and not only for 5 months. So, the grief, the pain and all that you're feeling will also last much longer than 5 months. It's the price of loving, Jason. When someone dies we love, our lives are changed over night. That is an adjustment that cannot be taken lightly.
Keep posting. Keep sharing all of those feelings. Because it leads to healing our broken hearts. Your heart will heal to the point where you want to live your life again and experience new things, new people. Have HOPE! It's something we can never lose sight of.
I look for something beautiful in each day. You found it this morning, Jason in the snow and in the memory of your wife. That's HOPE!
(((((((Jason)))))))
Love,
Terry