I don't know what to call this

[Terry]

Thank You, Jason for coming on and sharing these things with us, as you know you are loved and cared for here. Please be patient with yourself. It's only been 5 very short months. I don't know if you're doing it, but a lot of us do; we compare the way we're grieving to the way others are and we expect to be doing much better.

Everyone of my losses and the way I grieved was unique but when I lost my surviving son, I also lost a big part of me. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I kept seeing him in cars passing by. I would see him on the beach and run up to him screaming his name, and of course it wasn't him. Yes, it can feel like we're losing our minds, but we're not. And, you are not, either Jason.

Are you still attending grief share and the other meetings? Or did you stop?

Today marks 5 months since she died. A date of any significance or might I say, the anticipation of that date will bring about unusual behaviors. They change our sleep patterns and yes, even cause us to hallucinate.

It might not be a bad idea to call your family doctor and maybe have some tests run, to eliminate other factors. We can become very ill when grieving as our immune systems take a severe beating.

We're all here for you. I love you.

[sonya]

(((((((((((((Jason)))))))))))))))))I dont know what to say but to reiterate what has already been said. We are all here for you. We care. We may not feel exactly the same but can definately share simialrities.

I think it is a wise suggestion for you to go and see a doctor at the moment as you do sound very low indeed.
I know that you tried to find grief counselling nearby but were unable to do so, maybe your dr can help with that too.

I dont know what else to sayt but that I am sending you all the hugs and love that I can. Hope that you feel some warmth in that,

take the best care that you can and come back sn xxx

[MyLou]

((((((((((((((((((((( JASON ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

We are all here and you aren't losing your mind, grieving takes over our whole being.  I thought I was going crazy and I was told I wasn't.  I feel your pain and always keeping you close. 

I really think maybe you should talk to your doctor if things don't change. I know that date of every month is hard for you, me and everyone.

Always sending my love and hugs to you !!!

Love,
Lisa   [/color[/b]]

[oneangel]

Jason,
My heart goes out to you. I hate that you are going through such pain, but just as everyone else here, we know what you are going through. It sucks, it is unfair, it doesn't make any sense why we are put through such pain, no one deserves to feel this way. I do have to tell you that it has been just a short while since you lost your wife and that means your grief is peaking. Know that you are NOT going crazy. I remember someone told me, when I told them I felt I was going crazy. They said, 'crazy people don't know they are going crazy'
If you are concerned about what other people are saying about you starting to 'move on', just let them talk. You are grieving the right way because it is your way. Take some time for yourself; listen to some music, sleep in, watch some movies, and see a doctor to just voice your concerns to someone who may be able to help you on your end. And please, do not stop chatting with us. We are here for you, just like you have been for us, for me!
Thinking of you!  (((((((Jason)))))))

[jasonkl]

Thank you for your messages of resurance that I am not crazy. A while back I had wrote about how from november to august was going to be hell. A one or more specail days in every month. My sons 18th birthday is coming in about 2 weeks, she want so much to give him a party, I think it is weighing heavly on my heart that I do not have energy to though him a party nor does he wish to really celabrate his birthday. For the next several months there are going to a day that will be hers almost every two weeks. This is going to a very hard time peroid for me. I don't think I every really realised how much I made my life all about her until now. She really was my everything, it was always about her.

I have read and reread all your replys. Know I am not alone on this path helps a great deal. I had 3 hour lunch today with my griefshare group leader. The church it is held in offers one on one counsling. I will be going to the countsling. I do still attend greifshare, the cycle has restarted and I am still going. I think I found the source of my nightmares. When I went though her cloths in the begining of the month I took most of her sweat pants and t-shirts to sleep in to feel closer to her. I am thinking now this was a bad idea. I just realised tonight that I have been sleeping in her cloths for the last 2 weeks.  So tonight I will sleep in my own cloths and I pray it brings me some pleaceful rest.

You have all touched my heart I honest did not think I could feel love again. You are all very important to me. I hope that if you ever need I can help you all as much as you have helped me.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Love, hugs,and prayers))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
May you all find some peace tonight even if its just for a few hours.

Jason

[Terry]

Hey Buddy,

So nice to see a post from you, an update when I logged on! These dates are nothing less than, brutal Jason, and as you shared, you're having to deal with so many. They bring every memory to the surface and not only the ones we wish we would remember. The painful ones. The ones we struggle daily with.

It's such a terrible shock to our bodies, but especially our hearts. At all costs, we have to guard our hearts. Staying away from those that cause us more pain (and that's not always easy) and it's taking time for ourselves everyday to be good to ourselves. We can get lost. Swallowed up in our grief then we find ourselves in a very dark and lonely place. And, it's hard work staying out of that place.

Keep posting and sharing all of your feelings. It's what kept me alive.

Thank you for the wishes for peace for everyone. I felt peace when I read your post. And, hope!

Always here for you! You have been there for me through all of my struggles and pain, Jason. You are always a great support and I appreciate you, so very much.

Love,
Terry

[arthur]

Hi Jason..I just had to post to say hi and to say I know what you are going through with the nightmares. I still have them myself..but for me it is dreams of my wife coming back to me..and making plans with her about what we are going to do the next day. Then I wake up thinking about if Maureen could find the time to go with me to an event...and then realizing she isn't here, she's not going anywhere with me, shes gone. Then the tears start.  Dreams are supposed to be an escape from grief, but when I dream like this, they are a trial. I guess its all part of healing our inner selves.   
     I am so glad you are attending griefshare.  What an amazing resource this is. You can tell it was written by people who have had serious experience with grieving.  Sometimes I swear some of the things in the workbook about grief were bought up that week just for me in encountering a specific problems I have with my grief.  This week's lesson(we're on week 10) has an  truth about grieving I found illuminating..no one grieves perfectly..every griever will make mistakes
in handling their grief. Lord knows I've done this. 
Hang in there Jason.  Take care, arthur

[jasonkl]

Arthur thank you for the update and your words of encoragement. please post again soon and tells us how you are doing.

Terry these dates as you said are brutal, I am trying so hard to just take it one day at a time, but lately that has seemed imposable. I have a question I was going to ask in pm but though others might be going through the same thing so I will ask here. These very painful spells I am going through, is this what it is like? Is this what I have to learn to live with? Because honestly I don't know if I can. I barly kept it together at work yesterday, as soon as I got in my car the tears started and lasted for atleast an hour. Through the tears I felt an overwheling urge to go see her so I drove to the cematery to visit. These last few days I was wishing for the corage the ability to be able to lose the pain or take my own life. I held this back from my other postes did not want to scare anyone. I have kids and I know i will not act on these thoughs, I am all they have left and I can not leave them, but thoughs are still there. I don't have the words to express how much I wish I could be self disdructive like I once was, how I wish I did not care. How much I wish she did not mean so much to me, that I could just let go of all this pain and keep going on with my life. These are the thoughts circleing in my head the last couple of days when I wasn't just overwhelmed by the pain. I am feeling better today the tide wave of pain and loss has past. Now I try to recover and prepare for the next one.


Thanks for listening
Jason

Ps. I do have some it isn't all bad. This moorning I wake to the ground covered with snow, I was able to look at it and smile remembering how much she used to love to see the snow.

[Terry]

Oh sweetie,

I can only share what I've personally been through and what has worked for me and if something clicks and you can relate, that would be great. No two people, and I know that phrase sounds over-used but it's so true...grieve alike. The 'spells' you refer to, I have come to know as 'grief bursts' and they come out of, not nowhere because they come from the pain of our loss, but they come without any warning and can literally knock us down for the count. Pain doesn't speak...it screams and it's akin to a demon being inside trying to claw it's way out of us. That's how I view a 'grief burst.'

But, the really good news is they become less frequent over time and less intense in severity.  And, the reason you're hearing that this is what you're going to have to learn to live with. But, it won't be this intense pain that you are feeling now. Please believe that. Because if you didn't believe it, then you wouldn't have much reason to continue on this journey because then HOPE would be taken out of the equation and without HOPE, we cannot last a day.

And, remember that 'one day at a time' is too long in the beginning. Baby steps. One moment. One minute. One hour. Then, after a long time has passed, (and that time can come at any time and will be welcomed into your life) we make it for 3 or 4 hours a day, holding steady and feeling our balance and then the day will come when you will be able to cope with the pain for an entire day. That's when I knew I was on my way. But, that didn't come over night. It certainly didn't come after just 5 months. With my surviving son, it came after 3 long years.

When we love deeply, our grief and pain is fueled by that love. I couldn't even see straight at 5 months, let alone think about how I was going to live with the pain. I was just trying to make it through each day without screaming and losing my voice.

Take 'time' and shove it right now. It means nothing. Take care of Jason each moment of each hour and of each day and do the best you can. There is no magic pill we can take and there's no amount of alcohol that will take the pain away, because alcohol is a depressant and numbs the pain temporarily and then it comes back full force when it wears off. It was tempting, but if I was to start drinking after my son died, I wouldn't be alive today. Or, if I were to survive, I would be in the same place I was when he first died.

I posted my feelings every day. Sometimes 4 and 5 times a day. I also journal and do still to this day. We can't, not even for an hour suppress anything we're feeling. It's like poison to our systems. What do we do when we're nausiated? We throw up. It's the same with pain. When we feel pain, we get it out. Your posting these feelings is so healthy, Jason and you'll benefit from sharing your pain. Truly.

 These last few days I was wishing for the corage the ability to be able to lose the pain or take my own life.

You can't lose the pain. The pain and the love and the memories...it's a package deal. The pain is from your great love and to lose the pain would be to lose all memory of that great love. You can, however 'manage' the pain.

I never underestimate the power these dates have over us. They can take us to a very dark place and HOPE doesn't live there. And, it's not always the actual date rather the anticipation of that date that can tear us apart. I take very good care of myself, especially physically. Eating well, sleeping well and getting enough exercise. It's almost like preparing for an event that we know is going to use a lot of our resources. I distance myself from people who cause me pain and distress. That's the best I can do. Then, I deal with it the best I can and am never disappointed in myself because I am only human.

You loved your wife and not only for 5 months. So, the grief, the pain and all that you're feeling will also last much longer than 5 months. It's the price of loving, Jason. When someone dies we love, our lives are changed over night. That is an adjustment that cannot be taken lightly.

Keep posting. Keep sharing all of those feelings. Because it leads to healing our broken hearts. Your heart will heal to the point where you want to live your life again and experience new things, new people. Have HOPE! It's something we can never lose sight of.

I look for something beautiful in each day. You found it this morning, Jason in the snow and in the memory of your wife. That's HOPE!

(((((((Jason)))))))

Love,
Terry

[johnkmurray]

Jason,

I don't know that anything I can say will add to what Terry posted above, but what I can offer is this: The pain, the bad days, the 'bursts' of sheer agonizing grief, they will become less frequent, begin to shorten in duration, and you will begin to spend longer periods in what will become your new 'normality'. Not normal, that was lost with your dear wife, just as mine was lost when Kit died, but a new normal that allows you to function day to day, to interact with people, and yes, even to enjoy life again. It takes times ... sometimes baby steps .. but slowly it gets better. I'm having a rough time today - Kit's birthday - but even in my pain I can recognize that today is not nearly as bad as this day was a year ago. April 7th will mark two years since I lost my soulmate. I won't kid you, it still hurts far more than I've ever hurt before, but those bursts come with less frequency, intensity and are of shorter duration.

Hang in there brother,

John

[angie]

                      ((((((((((  JASON    ))))))))))

      Huge hugs to you.I am holding you in my heart
                                     xxxxxxxx
       You have helped me so much in my posts I just hope this helpd you a bit now.
                               
                                THINKING OF YOU
                                   
                                           Angie

[jasonkl]

(((((((((((((((((((Terry and John))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for sharing your experance and knowlage with me. I still have a hard time accepting after 5 months that the pain is still so intence at times. I could have never though this could hurt so bad for so long. It is not the fact that she gone that hurts so much now it all those little things I use to take forgranted that are hurting so much now. When she got hurt and she could not longer do much I morned the loss of the future we had planed, we still had hope that the doctors could help but we both knew it was a long road back. Now I just miss her everything about her the smells, the sound of her voice, the messes she made, everything she did to keep me so busy. I just miss the preson who knew me better than I knew myself. the one I could talk all the time even if she had no clue what I was talking about she would still listen.

((((((((((((((((Angie ))))))))))))))))))
thank you

Jason

[browneyedgirl]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jason))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I don't have many words for you, I am sorry, but you're in my thoughts. 

lots of love.

[arthur]

"It is not the fact that she gone that hurts so much now it all those little things I use to take forgranted that are hurting so much now"

Hi Jason...I feel the same exact way about my wife Maureen. I keep asking myself..how could I be so conceited and selfish while she was alive to have taken so much of who she was and the time I spent with her for granted?? Now she is gone I miss all those moments.  God this has been such a hard 2 days. I am crying as I write this because the grief keeps coming and never seems to end, as memories of us getting lost together while I was taking her to an appointment keep coming back. My coworkers ignore me while I try to hold it all in at work to concentrate on the job. I sure hope we can both get through this Jason. Take care, arthur

[jasonkl]

(((((((((((((((((((Pam)))))))))))))))))))))))

You don't have to have words. You listen to us and confort us, that is more than some us can get from are own familys.

(((((((((((((((((Arthur))))))))))))))))))))

My friend I have found for me any time I make a change from my routine, the pain, the hurt, the loss comes right back and slaps me in the face. Even the littlest change seems to have this effect on me. I went to get my hair cut, I cryed for an hour after it. When to get new shoes, cryed after. Anything I do that she would have been apart of, takes me right back to that dark place of pain. I notice a crack in one of the lens in my glasses so before they broke I went to get new ones. Went to the same place I have always went, the exam I was fine for, but when the pulled my records to see when the last time I got new ones, it was 08 the year she got hurt. I could not help myself crying my eyes out in front of total stranger again. It hit me so hard that had spent so much time over the last 3 years taking care of her that I really did nothing for myself. I honestly feel this is why it hurts so much. Everything I did every appointment I made had make sure she was ok, that the kids were ok and that I had enough time to take care of daily life before I could add those little extra things that have to be done. We are on a long and painful path, it seems every time we come to a turn in the road it circles us back to a place of pain, but we do still end up alittle further along. I don't know how long this journey is but I am glad that I don't have to travel alone.

Hang in there my friend, we will someday get to the other side.

Jason