"Warning"...... this is very long, so grab a cup of java or simply skip over it if a long read is not your thing!
So January 2nd I was felling good, though I was starting to come to terms with her passing. Even with all the headaches from the insurance company and all the paper work. Felt I was in control again. Now with the way I have felt the last 2 days I wonder if I was just numb for the holidays.
I've always found that the 'after holiday blues' are much worse than the holidays themselves. Because, first there is the build up. The months of anticipating a very difficult time of the year. And, it didn't last a day or even a week....it lasted months. WE feel the effects from it for quite sometime. Of course, we're all different and some do not experience it as long as others do. But, in the earlier years, it is a brutal time of the year and all rules are off. Anything goes. We deviate from where we were throughout the holiday season and find ourselves in a very different place afterwards.
Does that make any sense to you, the way I explained it? And, this is how I have experienced my grief going through the holidays and facing and trying to cope with other dates.
Over the last 4 months I have not really allowed myself to get angry or fustrated by much, monday I did. I was trying to do something at work and every way I tryed I could not make it work, I got so fustrated that all the pain, all the lost came rushing back. Before I could get away tears were streaming down my face and I had no way to hide it. I lost all control over it. It was like day 1 all over again.
So many different things and situations we deal with daily can bring us back to day "1" and keep bringing us back for a long time. It's backsliding and we all do it, Jason. No exceptions.
I have come to beleive the only reason I have been getting any sleep is that I am so drained from holding the pain in and trying to make myself believe that I am ok with what has happened. I was doing this and I did not even realise it. It feels like now I have been lieing to myself and to all of you. I don't understand whats going on or why this is happening. I even went as far as to change everything I have been doing for the last 3 months. I have not been posting that much here or any where else. I stoped calling friends, I have not been to the cematery sence new years eve, I haven't wrote to my wife in almost 2 days. Some where in my broken, disfunctional mind I though if I avoided all these things that the pain would just go away. Now all that keeps running through my head is how tried I am of feeling like this and how much I just want this pain to stop, How I just want to be better. I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live with out her, I don't know how to do this with out her. My heart, my will, and my soul are broken and I don't know how to fix it.
But, now you realize that suppressing your pain just causes more. And, when we do that, we can become discouraged because we feel as if we are starting all over again and that thought, in itself is very draining. I've probably shared hundreds of times regarding 'staying busy' or 'taking a new direction,' too soon and I think I recently shared with you in a post below to "not get discouraged if and when you backslide" because it is an important step toward healing ourselves from the inside out. That took me a long time to come to terms with and to even understand.
We're like toddlers, after losing someone. We don't know how to walk yet, so we crawl. One day, we get the idea in our heads that we can stand upright, keeping our balance so we try to walk. And, just like a baby, we stand, still a little wobbly and without a lot of confidence, then all of a sudden and again just like a baby, we get this smile, this excited grin on our faces because we just realized that we're actually standing on our own. WOW!! What an awesome feeling!! Wait till Mom and Dad see this strut comin' up!! Then, we start to take a couple steps and we get even more excited so we start to run....then BAM, we fall right on our faces and it hurts so we cry, we cry a lot and we feel so bad because our bubble has just burst. Now, we're back in our cribs, where we're safe but feeling so helpless and so discouraged because we really thought we were going to take off across that room, and with no help.
This is how I view grieving and growing through our grief. Not until we've grown enough, learned enough and struggled enough are we going to be able to have the strength and the confidence to graduate from baby steps to long strides. And, even then there will be falls and we just have to keep getting back up, brushing ourselves off and starting all over again. But, each walk becomes longer as we become stronger.
And, you aren't lying to anyone, Jason. You're doing the best you can. The very best. You're taking different avenues and expecting a different result. Haven't we all? In time, you will find that path where you are comfortable and feel stronger and even peaceful. But, this takes time and a lot of patience. Because, there is no way around the pain. There are no short cuts when grieving. We have to feel it, deal with it and keep moving forward, all the while becoming stronger to be able to face and cope with all of the feelings that lie ahead. This is the 'work of grief' and it's the hardest work we'll ever have to do in our lifetime. But, we DO learn to live with the pain. It becomes tolerable. And, as we continue to move forward, we remember, even feeling the pain, we remember and with so much love, all of the wonderful memories, the good times and they will come more often as we grow from our learning.
I don't think your heart or your will are broken, Jason. Your heart is good and it's open. Your will is strong because you're fighting, for you. It takes a lot of courage to share these feelings that most of us feel but don't write down. Writing it down makes it concrete, so real and that's facing your pain, not running from it. I don't know how to 'fix' a broken heart because it's broken due to a great loss from our lives and I don't believe there's a fix for that. There is mending, though. Tending to new wounds that re-open. Until one day, the patches stick. They don't fall off as easily as they used to. But, they are always there. They are there as a reminder of our wounds and it's the time, the patience and the love that allows scar tissue to cover that wound and that scar tissue will remain as a reminder of our great loss. Though it toughens with time, it will never go away. The hardest part is accepting that.
You know I love you, buddy and I'm always here for you. You hold on. A lot of people care for you and with your openness and kindness, you have helped many people on this journey. Don't ever doubt that, my friend.
Keep that beautiful heart open. We need you.
Love,
Terry
