To everyone,
It has been a few days sence I posted here or been in chat. I know I told you I would post last night [sorry ((((Lisa)))) and (((Kevin)))] life has been getting in the way alot lately. I don't what to call this either, but I feel 100% differnt than I did in the beginning of this topic. I felt monday the same way as I did when I started this topic. Got up went to work because I had to. Came home still feeling the same but just very tired, went to bed earlly tht night like 10:30, have been able to do that in over 4 years. I actually when to sleep right away and slept through the night. That is the first time have been able to sleep through the night in years, even sence she passed, I was still waking up at time to look for her. This were it get really strange, I woke up tuesday morning, and the overwhelling saddness is gone, she was still the first thing I though about, but that deep hurtting stabbing pain was not there, just just what I can only discrible as a dull constant ache. I felt like I could function without the normal struggle. The first thing I saw that morning was her dress er and I felt the urge to go through it, so after I got the kids off to school thats what I did. I went through all her cloths. The first item I picked up was a shirt of hers, I opened to look at it and there right in the middle was a piece of her hair. As soon as I saw it I started to cry, but when I picked up a feeling came over me that I can not put into words. the cry stopped and I felt kind of warm. Like she was with me holding me telling it was ok and to keep going. I feel the hair was a sign that it was time to do this,like she put it there to tell me it was ok. I spent most of the day going through her cloths and a few other things. there are alot of cloths I am not able to part with yet, but most of them will be picked up by the purple heart next week.
Wensday I pent the day on the phone trying to find a greif counsler, no luck and noone has called me back so I will take that as a sign that I don't need one. I also spent an hour on the phone with the insurence company trying to figure out what accident report they are looking for sence I have sent them every thing I can get. I was also able to attend my youngest sons wresling match with out overwhelling sadness that I was not going to see my wife or talk to her about later. Also had alot of running around to do. In the mail this day was a booklet of the local community collage, the are runnig a certificate program on thanatology, I am thinking about taking the classes, sence I can not find a counsour who will see me I though maybe I can get this certificate and find a way use my pain to help others.
Thursday I got the biggest test, I got a letter from the insurance company they want a medical history on my wife. They want a list of all the doctors she has seen in the last 5 years, that not too bad, they also want a list of all the meds she was on in the last 5 years. That is the most diffacult and painful one to do, In the end befrom she passed, she was taking between 30 and 35 pills a day. There were atleast 7 diferent meds she was on and I maybe forgetting a few because she had just started some new ones to help with the lupus. Her meds were changed so many times over the last 2 years. They also want every hospital she visited or stayed in and why. And last but not least the want the name of all the insurnce company she was covered by over the last 5 years. Now I call them about this to asked them if they ant me to seperate worker comp, from non worker comp and do they what all 5 years because this is going to be a book I send them. They told me that they dont want the worker comp stuff. I don't understand every med that is on the cornors report was given to her by her workers comp doctor. Well I have decided to send them everything because I know they are just going to ask for it latter. And with all this I have been try to apply for financial aid for my son to attend college in the fall.
Sorry this was so long but I neede to get this out. thank youas always for listening.
Jason
PS. I have started only writing on my wifes face page once a day now.