Author Topic: I don't know what to call this  (Read 22198 times)

sonya

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #15 on: January 09, 2012, 06:00:44 AM »
((((Jason)))

sounds like a plan. Love that you thinking positively at the moment. You are building branches to hold on to in the rough times. Keep climbing!

Sonya
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

jasonkl

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #16 on: January 10, 2012, 11:07:30 PM »
So January 2nd I was felling good, though I was starting to come to terms with her passing. Even with all the headaches from the insurance company and all the paper work. Felt I was in control again. Now with the way I have felt the last 2 days I wonder if I was just numb for the holidays. I found that as soon as I get fustrated with anything it all comes rushing back. I was angry with her the night I lost her. I was fustrated with things that were out of my control and that I did not have the power to prevent or fix. Over the last 4 months I have not really allowed myself to get angry or fustrated by much, monday I did. I was trying to do something at work and every way I tryed I could not make it work, I got so fustrated that all the pain, all the lost came rushing back. Before I could get away tears were streaming down my face and I had no way to hide it. I lost all control over it. It was like day 1 all over again. I have come to beleive the only reason I have been getting any sleep is that I am so drained from holding the pain in and trying to make myself believe that I am ok with what has happened. I was doing this and I did not even realise it. It feels like now I have been lieing to myself and to all of you. I don't understand whats going on or why this is happening. I even went as far as to change everything I have been doing for the last 3 months. I have not been posting that much here or any where else. I stoped calling friends, I have not been to the cematery sence new years eve, I haven't wrote to my wife in almost 2 days. Some where in my broken, disfunctional mind I though if I avoided all these things that the pain would just go away. Now all that keeps running through my head is how tried I am of feeling like this and how much I just want this pain to stop, How I just want to be better. I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live with out her, I don't know how to do this with out her. My heart, my will, and my soul are broken and I don't know how to fix it.

Jason

Terry

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #17 on: January 11, 2012, 02:01:39 AM »
"Warning"...... this is very long, so grab a cup of java or simply skip over it if a long read is not your thing! :)


So January 2nd I was felling good, though I was starting to come to terms with her passing. Even with all the headaches from the insurance company and all the paper work. Felt I was in control again. Now with the way I have felt the last 2 days I wonder if I was just numb for the holidays.


I've always found that the 'after holiday blues' are much worse than the holidays themselves. Because, first there is the build up. The months of anticipating a very difficult time of the year. And, it didn't last a day or even a week....it lasted months. WE feel the effects from it for quite sometime. Of course, we're all different and some do not experience it as long as others do. But, in the earlier years, it is a brutal time of the year and all rules are off. Anything goes. We deviate from where we were throughout the holiday season and find ourselves in a very different place afterwards.

Does that make any sense to you, the way I explained it? And, this is how I have experienced my grief going through the holidays and facing and trying to cope with other dates.

Over the last 4 months I have not really allowed myself to get angry or fustrated by much, monday I did. I was trying to do something at work and every way I tryed I could not make it work, I got so fustrated that all the pain, all the lost came rushing back. Before I could get away tears were streaming down my face and I had no way to hide it. I lost all control over it. It was like day 1 all over again.


So many different things and situations we deal with daily can bring us back to day "1" and keep bringing us back for a long time. It's backsliding and we all do it, Jason. No exceptions.

I have come to beleive the only reason I have been getting any sleep is that I am so drained from holding the pain in and trying to make myself believe that I am ok with what has happened. I was doing this and I did not even realise it. It feels like now I have been lieing to myself and to all of you. I don't understand whats going on or why this is happening. I even went as far as to change everything I have been doing for the last 3 months. I have not been posting that much here or any where else. I stoped calling friends, I have not been to the cematery sence new years eve, I haven't wrote to my wife in almost 2 days. Some where in my broken, disfunctional mind I though if I avoided all these things that the pain would just go away. Now all that keeps running through my head is how tried I am of feeling like this and how much I just want this pain to stop, How I just want to be better. I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live with out her, I don't know how to do this with out her. My heart, my will, and my soul are broken and I don't know how to fix it.



But, now you realize that suppressing your pain just causes more. And, when we do that, we can become discouraged because we feel as if we are starting all over again and that thought, in itself is very draining. I've probably shared hundreds of times regarding 'staying busy' or 'taking a new direction,' too soon and I think I recently shared with you in a post below to "not get discouraged if and when you backslide" because it is an important step toward healing ourselves from the inside out. That took me a long time to come to terms with and to even understand.

We're like toddlers, after losing someone. We don't know how to walk yet, so we crawl. One day, we get the idea in our heads that we can stand upright, keeping our balance so we try to walk. And, just like a baby, we stand, still a little wobbly and without a lot of confidence, then all of a sudden and again just like a baby, we get this smile, this excited grin on our faces because we just realized that we're actually standing on our own. WOW!! What an awesome feeling!! Wait till Mom and Dad see this strut comin' up!! Then, we start to take a couple steps and we get even more excited so we start to run....then BAM, we fall right on our faces and it hurts so we cry, we cry a lot and we feel so bad because our bubble has just burst. Now, we're back in our cribs, where we're safe but feeling so helpless and so discouraged because we really thought we were going to take off across that room, and with no help.

This is how I view grieving and growing through our grief. Not until we've grown enough, learned enough and struggled enough are we going to be able to have the strength and the confidence to graduate from baby steps to long strides. And, even then there will be falls and we just have to keep getting back up, brushing ourselves off and starting all over again. But, each walk becomes longer as we become stronger.

And, you aren't lying to anyone, Jason. You're doing the best you can. The very best. You're taking different avenues and expecting a different result. Haven't we all? In time, you will find that path where you are comfortable and feel stronger and even peaceful. But, this takes time and a lot of patience. Because, there is no way around the pain. There are no short cuts when grieving. We have to feel it, deal with it and keep moving forward, all the while becoming stronger to be able to face and cope with all of the feelings that lie ahead. This is the 'work of grief' and it's the hardest work we'll ever have to do in our lifetime. But, we DO learn to live with the pain. It becomes tolerable. And, as we continue to move forward, we remember, even feeling the pain, we remember and with so much love, all of the wonderful memories, the good times and they will come more often as we grow from our learning.

I don't think your heart or your will are broken, Jason. Your heart is good and it's open. Your will is strong because you're fighting, for you. It takes a lot of courage to share these feelings that most of us feel but don't write down. Writing it down makes it concrete, so real and that's facing your pain, not running from it. I don't know how to 'fix' a broken heart because it's broken due to a great loss from our lives and I don't believe there's a fix for that. There is mending, though. Tending to new wounds that re-open. Until one day, the patches stick. They don't fall off as easily as they used to. But, they are always there. They are there as a reminder of our wounds and it's the time, the patience and the love that allows scar tissue to cover that wound and that scar tissue will remain as a reminder of our great loss. Though it toughens with time, it will never go away. The hardest part is accepting that.

You know I love you, buddy and I'm always here for you. You hold on. A lot of people care for you and with your openness and kindness, you have helped many people on this journey. Don't ever doubt that, my friend.

Keep that beautiful heart open. We need you.

Love,
Terry

sonya

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #18 on: January 11, 2012, 03:39:34 AM »
Terry that was a very beautiful post. You said so many things that have helped me to understand this journey and that I am sure have helped Jason too.
Jason hold on my friend. We are all there with you, so please continue to post when you need to. As often as you want to.
I too feel like a fraud sometimes because I am so up and down emotionally. One day inamorata ok and then the next incannot get out of bed. When I feel ok again i sometimes feel as if that means that I don't care. It takes a lot to remember that it's what Tony would have wanted. He would not want me to be so broken, would want me to build myself up, take the time to heal and livecwell.
So that's what I am trying to do. I need to be gentle on myself and allow myself to be that toddler taking baby steps so that one day I can walk out into the world and experience all the things for tone that he could not stay to do for himself.
Maybe if these thoughts are helping me to put one foot infront of the other than they may help you too.

I hope so. Take good care,
Son x
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

MyLou

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #19 on: January 11, 2012, 03:58:38 AM »
((((((((((((((((( JASON )))))))))))))))))))))

Hold on my friend. You aren't lying to yourself or anyone.  You tried something different and it's OK. You are going to have those days you fall and it's OK then your try again the next day.  Don't be so hard on yourself. We are here for you.


(((((((((((((( TERRY ))))))))))))))))))

Thank for taking the time and writing that, it was  so beautiful and true.  I am still having my days going on 14 months.

Love,

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

jasonkl

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #20 on: January 11, 2012, 08:14:27 PM »
Thank you all for the support.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I will post more in the morning I just don't have the energy to write tonight.


Jason

browneyedgirl

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #21 on: January 12, 2012, 01:30:08 PM »
((((((((((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

jasonkl

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #22 on: January 12, 2012, 10:24:31 PM »
I was hoping to have the engery this morning to write and I did but I have lost my voice. I stare at the screen and can't not find the words to expreess how I am feeling or what is going on in my life. I though if I waited till tonight I would have something to say, but I still do not. The only word that keeps circling in my head is overwelmed. To much to do, to many responablities,not enough time and no energy. I am just tired and lonely. Well I guess I did find some words. Praying tomarrow will be a better day.

Jason

jasonkl

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #23 on: January 13, 2012, 11:02:33 PM »
Terry
 I was going to quote you but the inspiring message so long I that I would just make a mess out of it. I am not to the toddler phase yet more like an infant. I can not stand up yet I am barely holding my head up. But I will keep trying, if for no other reason she would want me too.

Soyna
 Remember that game shoots and latters, I feel like some days I get to go up that really big latter 2 spaces from the end only to land on that very long slide and go all the way back to the begining again. You are not a fraud, and you will always care. We all have those days when we feel ok and i know I feel the guilt when I do, but like you said they would not us to live like this.

Lisa
((((((((((hugs))))))))))) For calling when you knew I could not.

Kevin
My friend this is a very hard journy we are on and many days it does feel pointless to keep going on for the sake of going on. Never backspace how you feel, that beautiful,wonderful soul is right. And just by being in this black pit with me is helping, we will find a way out together. We will find a way to help each other.


Pam
thank you for knowing that a hug says everything you need to say.

Thank you all I don't think I will ever be able express how much you all mean to me.((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))).

Jason

MyLou

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #24 on: January 14, 2012, 04:45:15 AM »
(((((((((((((((((((( JASON ))))))))))))))))))

No thanks needed my friend, and I will call again to check on you  :icon_flower:


Always,

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

Terry

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #25 on: January 14, 2012, 01:33:50 PM »
Terry
 I was going to quote you but the inspiring message so long I that I would just make a mess out of it. I am not to the toddler phase yet more like an infant. I can not stand up yet I am barely holding my head up. But I will keep trying, if for no other reason she would want me too.


I think that's a good reason, Jas! I understand how the pain can change us. And, that's the very best that any of us can do, is to keep trying.

Always here for you, with love & support,
Terry

oneangel

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #26 on: January 15, 2012, 10:11:56 PM »
The only word that keeps circling in my head is overwelmed. To much to do, to many responablities,not enough time and no energy. I am just tired and lonely.
Jason
[/quote]


This is exactly how I always feel; tired, lonely, overwhelmed, no energy to get the things done that need to get done. I have to work, get my two older kids to school, take care of the house, groceries, extra-curricular activities for the kids, and th gym for myself, plus I don't sleep well. I have no idea how I get anything done on most days. I function on fumes. No wonder I haven't really lost any weight. I feel hopeless that I will ever get to a place where I will be comfortable in my new life without my husband; he is all I can think about- always!
I feel for you Jason. And I have been in this for just over two years now. I don't know how to live life without him.
I guess we just have to keep going and see where life takes us next.
(((Jason)))
Angela

jasonkl

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #27 on: January 18, 2012, 06:59:31 AM »
((((((((((((((Angela))))))))))))))))))))

My mind , my heart will not accept that she is gone. I find myself still waiting for the call to go get her. Every time the door opens my heart skips a beat hope it will be her coming home. Some where inside I know she is never coming back,but as soon as though enters my mind, it leaves, almost as if I am changeing my own interal conversation. I hope that makes sence.

When I first lost my wife, the living arrangements I am in now were good. My bother and his wife took care of alot of things for me. It was a new place, I did not see her or feel her in everything. Now it like they just expect me to go back who I was. Some how 5 months is enought time to get over losing someone you spent the last 20 years getting to know. i have tryed to tell them that this is not something you get over but you have to learn to live with.  At first noone would leave me alone which was proably a good thing, but now it is all I want. I was able to get myself up and fight my way through the day, now I have lost the will to fight, I don't want to. Some where is my broken mind I though if I got up every day did what I had to do this pain and heart ache would ease up in a few months. I have no idea where that though came from or why I would think i could just ease through this. Tonight at 12:30 it will be 5 month mark for the beginning of my hell. I feell more raw pain than I did before. In the beginning I was numb amd in shock for a while, and everytime I was coming out of the shock I found find out something new that would put me right back into it. Now there is nothing new to find and time is marching on, and pain is growing more intense.  I pray for the day the pain will not overwhelm me any more, that I can function with out it taking all my energy just to get out of bed. That all of us may find so peace.



Thanks for listening

Jason

jasonkl

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #28 on: January 19, 2012, 07:21:15 AM »
Today is 5 months and pain is just as intence as it was in the beginning if not more. She is now the focus of my dreams as well. Going to sleep nolong offers any relief from the pain. These dreams are more like nightmares and I just wake up crying. The dreams started about 2 weeks ago. At first they were not every night, but for the last 4 it has been everynight. I am afraid to go to sleep now, knowing that I will wake up sometime in the middle of night with tears rooling down my face. That the dreams will be so real that I will get up to go see if she is in the house some where. I am losing my mind yesterday I though I saw her come out of the bedroom and go it the bathrooom. I am scared that this is greif is going to take what little of my mind i have left. I feel so out of control right now. The lines are starting to blur between what is real and what is just in my head. She has now taken control of my whole life. I am lost.

Jason

Doug1222

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #29 on: January 19, 2012, 11:57:53 AM »
Jason, I'm not sure what made me open this thread. I'm dealing with a very different situation, and I think this is the first time I've looked at the spouse board. Reading your story has moved me, though. It nearly brought tears that I so badly need to deal with my problems. Following what you're going through has helped me.

I don't have any answers, but I just want to say that you're not alone. I'm thinking of you.
Doug
« Last Edit: January 19, 2012, 12:00:09 PM by Doug1222 »