Author Topic: I don't know what to call this  (Read 22199 times)

jasonkl

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I don't know what to call this
« on: December 27, 2011, 12:21:58 PM »
As I sit here and read other posts and some of my own, I wonder what happened. I have nothing good to say. I have been riding a tide wave of saddness and dispaire for over a week now. I was told once fake it till you make it. I can't even fake it any more. My kids told me my face has a frown on it all the time and even when I laugh its not right. I don't what to get up, I don't want to sleep. I don't want to do any thing. I go to work because I feel I have to. I get up because I feel I have to. I go to the store because I feel I have to. I still go to the gym, becuase I feel I have to. I find myself ask why do I still do these things. I don't care any more. I have lost all my joy, my passion, my drive.  I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either. I guess I am indefferant. I have 3 childern, I should care but I don't. For the first time in along time I find myself with out enough money to pay the rent and I really don't care. I have found my self in a very dark place. The only things I really do now is, I smoke too much and I drink too much. This no longer numbs the pain, if anything it make me feel worse. i have been crying for days and can't stop. I go to work for 8 hours I'm lucky if they get 4 hours of work out of me. At this point I think I would rather die than live like this. I don't like what I'm doing, I don't like how I feel. I just don't care enough to try and change it. And if I did I would not know how. She was my everything and I don't know how to go on with out her. I am lost, hurt, and broken. Thanks for listening.

Jason
« Last Edit: December 27, 2011, 01:23:03 PM by jasonkl »

Terry

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2011, 12:41:08 PM »

((((Jason))))

Know I understand going through the motions as I have been doing the same. Just feeling numb right now, and very lost. These holidays are not over. Everyone expects to 'feel better' after Christmas and it's really much worse until after that New Year celebration. This, right now is called the "After Holiday Blues" and I have always found them much worse than the holidays themselves.

Hold on and know you are not alone. We'll get through this...together. Thanks for sharing how you're feeling because you took the words I was going to write.....

Sending love and hugs,
Terry

MyLou

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2011, 05:13:39 PM »
((((((((((((((((( JASON ))))))))))))))))

(((((((Terry)))))) is exactly right. 

I've said it before, going to say it again it's still VERY RAW.

You have to live for you children.  They need you.  You have to think if you weren't here how they will feel.

I know you are in a lot of pain and we are always here for you.

Always,

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

jasonkl

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #3 on: December 28, 2011, 06:18:04 AM »
((((((((((((Terry))))))))))

Nice to see you back. I have missed you. You always know what to say.

((((((((((((Lisa)))))))))))))))

I promise you I am not going any where. I have kids, I have a reason to live, lots of them, just don't want to live like this.I am truely bless and I know I am. Just hard to see through the fog sometimes and the pain can blind you to all you have. I have a family you loves me and trys to help and understand. I have friends that are there for me and go out of there way to check on me. They don't all understand but they listen and are there for me. My boss and my coworkers have been very understanding even acknowledged that the holidays are diffacult for me. I could not ask for more. Yet all this does not feel right. My mom tells me all the time she is jealous of the support system I have set up for myself.  I know of those struggling with the same feelings and they truely are alone, no support from friends or family. And with all that I have I still don't know how to even begin to live again. I am seeking out a grief counselor now, not sure what I am looking to get out of it, but hoping to get something out of.

Thank you for listening.


Jason

johnkmurray

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #4 on: December 28, 2011, 08:00:45 AM »
(((Jason)))

This is a very tough time, that first Christmas without your soulmate. Hang in there. We're here for you, those of us who have been through it and those who are going through it with you.

(((Lisa)))
Just for being you ;-)

(((Terry)))
Welcome back! Saved a few virtual hugs for your return!

John

MyLou

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2011, 05:21:08 PM »
(((((((((((( JASON )))))))))))))))))


(((((((((((( JOHN )))))))))))))))))) AWW TY :)
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

jasonkl

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #6 on: December 29, 2011, 08:05:17 PM »
Thank you ((John)).

It started to snow tonight and for a moment I forgot, I forgot she was gone. As snow began I watched it though about how much she loved the snow. And just as fast as I lost her the snow stoped. The smile gone and tears are back. I miss her, everything about her. I bring this up because something else happened tonight, I hurt someones feelings tonight. I wasn't trying to and though all was in good fun, but sometimes I forget that I'm not the only one hurting. And sometimes I need to listen as well as I hear. A friend needed me to be gentle and I was not. For this I am very sorry. The last thing I would ever what to do is cause someone pain who has been there for me.

(((((((((Lisa)))))))))))

Jason

sonya

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #7 on: December 30, 2011, 07:35:43 AM »
((((((Jason))))))))

Thank you for sharing your pain on here. I hope that the act of writing it down has in itself helped. I know it helps me.

I completely empathise with those feelings as have also felt what you describe so often.

Hold on. Breathe. Drink water. Eat. Wash. Thats all you need to do today. Tiny steps my friend and we are all here for you.

I too am drinking too much and smoking all the tobacco so dont understand how you are finding any to smoke yourself! I know its not good for me. Have eased off the quantity I am drinking and will start easing off the frequency in a few weeks. Not putting too much pressure on myself. I hope that sharing this has helped you.

Take good care,

Sonya

((((((((Terry)))))))
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

jasonkl

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #8 on: December 30, 2011, 08:32:50 PM »
(((((((((((((((Sonya)))))))))))

My kindred soul, Knowing I am not the only one who ingauges in self destructive behaviors is conforting. I just wish noone else had to feel the pain, I feel.

My thoughs and prayers are with you. I know this weekend is going to be hard for you. I hope your cleansing fire helps free your soul so that you may begin to heal.

Always
Jason

sonya

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #9 on: December 31, 2011, 04:45:20 AM »
((((Jason))))

Hope you are feeling steadier today?

Thank you so much.
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

jasonkl

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2012, 06:07:18 AM »
To everyone,

It has been a few days sence I posted here or been in chat. I know I told you I would post last night [sorry ((((Lisa)))) and (((Kevin)))] life has been getting in the way alot lately. I don't what to call this either, but I feel 100% differnt than I did in the beginning of this topic. I felt monday the same way as I did when I started this topic. Got up went to work because I had to. Came home still feeling the same but just very tired, went to bed earlly tht night like 10:30, have been able to do that in over 4 years. I actually when to sleep right away and slept through the night. That is the first time have been able to sleep through the night in years, even sence she passed, I was still waking up at time to look for her. This were it get really strange, I woke up tuesday morning, and the overwhelling saddness is gone, she was still the first thing I though about, but that deep hurtting stabbing pain was not there, just just what I can only discrible as a dull constant ache. I felt like I could function without the normal  struggle. The first thing I saw that morning was her dress er and I felt the urge to go through it, so after I got the kids off to school thats what I did. I went through all her cloths. The first item I picked up was a shirt of hers, I opened to look at it and there right in the middle was a piece of her hair. As soon as I saw it I started to cry, but when I picked up a feeling came over me that I can not put into words. the cry stopped and I felt kind of warm. Like she was with me holding me telling it was ok and to keep going. I feel the hair was a sign that it was time to do this,like she put it there to tell me it was ok. I spent most of the day going through her cloths and a few other things. there are alot of cloths I am not able to part with yet, but most of them will be picked up by the purple heart next week.
Wensday I pent the day on the phone trying to find a greif counsler, no luck and noone has called me back so I will take that as a sign that I don't need one. I also spent an hour on the phone with the insurence company trying to figure out what accident report they are looking for sence I have sent them every thing I can get. I was also able to attend my youngest sons wresling match with out overwhelling sadness that I was not going to see my wife or talk to her about  later. Also had alot of running around to do. In the mail this day was a booklet of the local community collage, the are runnig a certificate program on thanatology, I am thinking about taking the classes, sence I can not find a counsour who will see me I though maybe I can get this certificate and find a way use my pain to help others.
Thursday I got the biggest test, I got a letter from the insurance company they want a medical history on my wife. They want a list of all the doctors she has seen in the last 5 years, that not too bad, they also want a list of all the meds she was on in the last 5 years. That is the most diffacult and painful one to do, In the end befrom she passed, she was taking between 30 and 35 pills a day. There were atleast 7 diferent meds she was on and I maybe forgetting a few because she had just started some new ones to help with the lupus. Her meds were changed so many times over the last 2 years. They also want every hospital she visited or stayed in and why. And last but not least the want the name of all the insurnce company she was covered by over the last 5 years. Now I call them about this to asked them if they ant me to seperate worker comp, from non worker comp and do they what all 5 years because this is going to be a book I send them. They told me that they dont want the worker comp stuff. I don't understand every med that is on the cornors report was given to her by her workers comp doctor. Well I have decided to send them everything because I know they are just going to ask for it latter. And with all this I have been try to apply for financial aid for my son to attend college in the fall.


Sorry this was so long but I neede to get this out. thank youas always for listening.

Jason


PS. I have started only writing on my wifes face page once a day now.


sonya

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2012, 08:46:51 AM »
Hi Jason,

I am so please that you wrote again as was getting a little worried about you.
Sounds like something has really shifted for you and it seems that you are finding it a positive thing which is really good.
I really rely on my counselling and dont know how I would have coped without her, but everyone is different.
Its great that you are thinking about taking on a college course and making plans. What is thanatolgy?
Good luck with sorting all those documents, sounds like you are taking it in your stride.
So pleased you are sounding like you are in a better place at the moment.

Sonya

(((((Jason)))))
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

jasonkl

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #12 on: January 06, 2012, 09:48:10 PM »
(((((((((Sonya))))))))))))

No worries not going anywhere, you guys are family. Would never leave you. I have to warn you though this good place I am in now may change by next week. But for now I am in a much better place. I did forget one thing this morning, this is going to sound crazy. I promise it happened just like I tell it. On monday I lost my lighter at work. I really did care it was basicly empty anyway. Yesterday as I was leaving work and puting my unifrom in the cloths hamper I heard something hit the floor, I looked down and there was my almost empty yellow lighter. Now I know what you are thinking the lighter fell out of my pants, but it could not have because I wear a new unifrom every time I go to work. I don't know if she was telling me I better quit the smoking because we fought about it all the time or she was telling me it was ok, she understands.

Thanatology is study about grief and how people cope with it. I thinking maybe I use these classes and find a way to help others going through what I have been. I haven't been able to find alot around me sas far as groups or counseling. We will see what happens, who knows maybe I'll even learn something.

The documents really don't bother me much, reliving the last 5 years could get very painful. In Feb. 2008 she got hurt and that was the beginning of the end. Some where near the end of the summer of 2009 she was told it was rsd in her foot and she would never be able to return to her job. In the beginning of 2010 is when all the meds began, and thats when very thing started getting really bad. Looking back I should have seen what was coming but I was blinded, though that the doctors would help her. She was in and out of the hospital all of the summer and fall of 2010, complacations caused by all the meds she was on.  These events are the ones I don't not wish to recall, but I will have to in a few weeks when the all the paper work from the pharmacys get here. I am hoping until then I can keep the positive feelings going.

Always

Jason

johnkmurray

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2012, 02:44:46 PM »
Jason,

It sounds like you've turned a corner if the raw, piercing pain of fresh grief has become a dull ache. You're right that it may flare again, but even though the good place you feel you're now in may indeed come and go the rollercoaster ride should be less severe.

John

Terry

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Re: I don't know what to call this
« Reply #14 on: January 08, 2012, 10:57:57 PM »

Hi Jason,

I wanted to lend my support as I see you're taking a new direction. Awesome and try not to get discouraged (easier said than done, I know) if/when you backslide because it's an important step toward your healing. As we're climbing, there are always loose boulders flying dangerously close in our direction, trying to knock us down. Keep ducking!

You have my love,
Terry