Author Topic: my first thread-mom passed away  (Read 6205 times)

beaman

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my first thread-mom passed away
« on: December 25, 2011, 11:00:16 PM »
I'm Chinese, so forgive my English. I've been assimilated into western culture by basketball, movies, and education, so here I am.

I'm 23 male, currently in graduate school. About a year ago my mom died of lung cancer in her forties. She died in less than 2 months since diagnosed. She was my only parent and only family member. We were very close. After that, life became meaningless.

I suspended my school program for nearly a year. Now I'm back to school.  I feel like I wasn't as devastated as many others on this forum and I'm in good shape now. I understand it's OK though, to feel everything naturally.For now and then I felt sad, guilty, angry and everything. Crying times has been decreasing. I'm still very angry now when it comes up, to everything that might caused my mom's death: unfairness of society, people and the whole world. I think the main causes are: lack of education, working too hard for me,  terrible marriage and of course second-hand cigarette and polluted air.

Now I don't have any problems in my life.I became closer with some of my friends. I understand I was changed once and for all. I became immoral, blunt, cold, relentless, childish in a good way, don't give a fuck to pretty much everything, ...... I might always have that anger in everything and not be as happy as others. It's OK. I don't force anything. I'm not afraid of death, with the hope that I might meet my mom in another world. I want to find out how to make people not suffer and this is my career plan as a scientist. I can't easily fall in love now but I do want to have a child. I want to see the future world and live for my mom, so the most important thing is to keep healthy.

This is a very good forum for I can find part of myself on you. Thank you all.
« Last Edit: January 15, 2012, 05:47:27 AM by beaman »

Terry

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Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2011, 01:00:54 PM »

beaman,

I'm sorry for your loss. You have a good attitude and a will to survive and better your life. Your Mom would be very proud of you. It's hard growing up without our Mom's and Dad's although you are grown, in a sense....we still always need them, just the same.

Thank You for sharing your story with us. We're here to listen.

Welcome to Webhealing.
Sending hugs, love and support,
Terry

browneyedgirl

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Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2012, 08:55:13 AM »
(((beaman)))

Welcome.  I am so very sorry for the loss of your mom.  You have come to the right place, there is always someone here for you, and we can all relate.

Come back soon and let us know how you're doing.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

beaman

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Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2012, 10:18:57 PM »
Thank you both.

The day before yesterday, sad feelings came up and i couldn't stop crying. I almost wanted to kill myself, thinking life is meaningless. Then i felt better when i thought about Steve Jobs and some other people who died early.  

Yesterday I felt so guilty thinking i did too little for mom before she was diagnosed. She already had problems sleeping and often felt tired. I should have checked out more medical information. More importantly i should have kind of educated her more to make her enjoy life instead of struggle in small things, for she worked too hard(we were OK financially) and feared others' opinions on her divorce. I should have been around her more, loved her more, instead i loved myself more. Poor mom. This guilty feeling is the worst to stick with.

Today I just couldn't believe my mom has been burned to ashes. I had a dream last night: I came home as usual, it was just my step-father at home. I found my mom's cellphone number and called her. No one was answering. I suddenly realized she was gone. She died. At such a young age. What the fuck. What the fuck.
« Last Edit: January 05, 2012, 10:22:11 PM by beaman »

Terry

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Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2012, 09:56:48 AM »
Yesterday I felt so guilty thinking i did too little for mom before she was diagnosed. She already had problems sleeping and often felt tired. I should have checked out more medical information. More importantly i should have kind of educated her more to make her enjoy life instead of struggle in small things, for she worked too hard(we were OK financially) and feared others' opinions on her divorce. I should have been around her more, loved her more, instead i loved myself more. Poor mom. This guilty feeling is the worst to stick with.

We do the best we can with what we have to work with at the time. We've all done the, "What if I did this or that" and "Did I do enough" and "I wish we hadn't argued" and it goes on and on endlessly and it's all a part of what we feel when we lose someone we love. I can ask you to be kinder to yourself but you have to reach that point on your own. But, please know I understand and I'm sorry for your pain.

Today I just couldn't believe my mom has been burned to ashes. I had a dream last night: I came home as usual, it was just my step-father at home. I found my mom's cellphone number and called her. No one was answering. I suddenly realized she was gone. She died. At such a young age. What the fuck. What the fuck.

That harsh reality is sinking in and it, too is very painful. So many we love died at such a young age and we feel cheated, in a way.

Tell us more about your Momma when you're ready. It helps to talk about it as much as you can.

Love,
Terry

browneyedgirl

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Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2012, 01:41:05 PM »
beaman ~ how are you doing?
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

loststill

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Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2012, 10:31:15 AM »
Beaman, in your first post you said you wanted to live for your mom and keep healthy.  That is exactly what I feel after seven months since my mom left me.  Do you feel she cares about you?  That is a wonderful feeling.  It keeps her alive in you. 

I understand the what the f--- so well.  Nothing makes sense.  But wanting to keep healthy FOR HER, to honor her memory, is a noble and worthy thing to do.  Remember that, and continue to study science or whatever can help people who are suffering. 

She must have been a wonderful person to make you say that.

Doug1222

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Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2012, 10:47:58 AM »
Beaman, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. When you feel like it, please do tell us more about her. Terry suggested that to me on the thread I created, and it's been very helpful to me.

It seems to help a lot in bringing the emotions up so I can get them out.

Once again, I'm very sorry. It sounds like you've found a way to put the emotions into a positive direction. When you feel like it, keep us updated on how you're doing. It helps to talk.

beaman

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Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2012, 05:56:47 AM »
Beaman, in your first post you said you wanted to live for your mom and keep healthy.  That is exactly what I feel after seven months since my mom left me.  Do you feel she cares about you?  That is a wonderful feeling.  It keeps her alive in you. 

I understand the what the f--- so well.  Nothing makes sense.  But wanting to keep healthy FOR HER, to honor her memory, is a noble and worthy thing to do.  Remember that, and continue to study science or whatever can help people who are suffering. 

She must have been a wonderful person to make you say that.
I'm glad you resonate with me a little bit. that's it about. I was lucky that one of my mom's doctor went through pretty much the same tragedy as mine. I got a lot of help from her. As long as you know you are not  alone in this, everything feels better.

beaman

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Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2012, 05:59:32 AM »
beaman ~ how are you doing?
I'm quite good. I know life is meaningless, but i still enjoy a lot of things: sports, friends, learning new things. i try to keep healthy and improve myself. that's human nature to survive. hum, also called animal instinct. realizing you are just smart animals make you look beyond your own tragedy. in fact, i think everything you feel might just be a result of evolution. (although I  hope there is soul and paradise )
    the thing is, hard feelings come and go. I always let the feeling get out because I have a lot of free time as a student (i also chose to drop out from school for a while). and i don't need to find a good job and build family  for mom any more, i take my time in life and follow my heart, which is a healthy way to lead life.
« Last Edit: January 23, 2012, 10:35:04 PM by beaman »

beaman

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Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« Reply #10 on: January 15, 2012, 07:45:40 AM »
my mom was a great mom. she sacrificed herself for me. she worked too hard for me to have a better life, even in the last days, she was sorry she couldn't buy me a house so that i can get married (many Chinese parents think like this). she had been through hard times in marriage, a lot of quarrels. she had a short temper, when she was angry, seemed like she couldn't get the anger out.
her character and life experience may be part of causes of cancer.

i feel most depressed when i'm any sick, especially when i'm alone, like now i'm spending spring festival alone in school. I wish i could die and rest in peace. I think i'd feel differently  when i have family again in my life.
« Last Edit: January 23, 2012, 10:37:47 PM by beaman »

beaman

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Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« Reply #11 on: January 24, 2012, 08:23:39 AM »
 damn. i feel angry, really blame myself tonight.
i found  out in a reliable source (profesional book ) that certain Dietary Supplement (carotenoid ) increases risk of lung cancer. mom had been worked as a sales for Amway, she really got into those nutrition products. i mean you will believe in something if  you always tell it to people. she took a lot of these pills everyday for many years. and she often asked me to take those too. I knew i didn't need those. I think i should've told her it was bad for her and force her to stop.  

my mom didn't have enough education. otherwise she wouldn't get into a company's 'education'.

i hate the the company and the system , and the society again, for one more reason.
i mean, i want to kill the CEO. i probably won't. but i'm definately a psycopath. antisocial. want 2012 be a real end of humanity.
« Last Edit: January 24, 2012, 09:11:46 PM by beaman »

Terry

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Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« Reply #12 on: January 28, 2012, 02:32:07 AM »

How are you doing?

Thinking of you.

((((((Beaman))))))

Love,
Terry

beaman

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Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« Reply #13 on: January 28, 2012, 09:22:54 PM »
thanks Terry,
     i'm doing good. kind of stage of acceptance. you know, 5 stages thing.