Sonya,
I have felt guilty and responsible for Denise's death at times. What if? I could list a dozen "What if's" to you but, for me, they are just too personal to share here. And I have my own regrets. The long and short of it, for me, is that there isn't anything I could have done to alter what happened. God know I would have if I could. She would be with me and we would be enjoying the holidays and looking forward to our future lives and plans. It is humbling to realize just how little power we do have over events in this world.
I take comfort in the fact that while she was alive I loved her each and every day, did my best to make her feel special and appreciated, did my best to make her laugh and make her life better. Did my best to help her though the trials of this life. I would have continued on like that for the rest of my days But it was not to be.
Did I make mistakes along the way? Yes. Mostly small mistakes, And in reviewing my entire life I realize I have probably made more than I'd care to admit. But I have asked Denise and God for forgiveness for those mistakes and have accepted that I have been forgiven. She, like God, loves me unconditionally. And I love her unconditionally as well. I would not want her to worry or carry misplaced guilt if the roles were reversed. I love her.
I still feel like I live my days in a fog...lost...not sure what to do or where to go next. Big decisions need to be made soon and, without her, I have lost my bearings. But I am adhering to the mantra "do the next thing." Get up and get through this day.
I have been obsessed with NDE's and the afterlife since Denise's death. This has really challenged my belief system. But after reviewing hundreds of NDE's the salient feature from the experience, for me, is when, after the life review, people are asked, "How did you help others during your time?" That, I think, is the whole point. How do we help those around us while we are here? Life is hard for everyone. Do we make it harder or easier for those we meet? We should strive to help. Sometimes that help is something big and sometimes it is just a friendly word or a smile.
I am getting through the days the best I can. And I am looking to help who may need it (health-wise, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, financially) and offering any support I can. I do that to honor Denise, for the gift of her love and the good qualities in me she brought forth, and to prepare myself for my own ultimate journey.
Make sure you aren't projecting you own misguided guilt onto others. Most of us aren't really good at guessing other people's motivations even in the best of times. Try not to give the monsters under the bed the power to become real.
Remember that Tone loves you as much as you love him. Despite everything else. Make sure you are not laboring under false guilt. And if you still feel you (or he) have anything to be guilty about, forgive yourself (and/or him) the best you can. Ask for God's forgiveness and accept that it has been given. We are only human and prone to making mistakes. But we are saved by the grace of giving and receiving forgiveness, mercy and love.
You are loved.
(((((sonya)))))