Author Topic: Holidays  (Read 7420 times)

MyLou

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #15 on: December 18, 2011, 11:27:01 AM »
(((((((((((( SONYA )))))))))))))))

You can't blame yourself for not calling Tony.  I was the same way when Lou passed I told him I think he was having signs of a heart attack.  He said NO I will be OK honey.  Well, when I got my call.  I said I should've made him go but I know in my heart he wouldn't have gone.  I blamed myself for months and everyone told me not to blame myself. I finally realized it's not my fault. So please don't blame yourself.

Where Tony is he has no pain, and knows you love him and wanted to be with him.  You have to believe that. 

As far as your friends.  I would talk about Tony and tell them just because we seperated doesn't mean I stopped LOVING HIM !!! I would tell them he needed help before we got back together.  If I were you I would talk about him and be proud and if they don't want to hear it shame on them.  No one will understand us unless they were our shoes it's sad but so true.

I wish I had the answer how you are suppose to go on without Tony.  :tearyeyed:  I'm still trying to figure that out myself without Lou.  :tearyeyed:

I know Tony wants you move forward there is no rush.  Take one second, minute , hour , day at a time.

I've been in a fog all day and crying.

The holidays are tuff and New Year's being Tony's birthday.

This is not an easy journey.

You aren't alone in your grief we are here, no one understands except us.

Sending Love and Hugs

Always,

Lisa   
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

gaberax

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #16 on: December 18, 2011, 12:52:20 PM »
Sonya,

I have felt guilty and responsible for Denise's death at times.  What if?  I could list a dozen "What if's" to you but, for me,  they are just too personal to share here. And I have my own regrets.  The long and short of it, for me, is that there isn't anything I could have done to alter what happened.  God know I would have if I could.  She would be with me and we would be enjoying the holidays and looking forward to our future lives and plans.  It is humbling to realize just how little power we do have over events in this world.

I take comfort in the fact that while she was alive I loved her each and every day, did my best to make her feel special and appreciated, did my best to make her laugh and make her life better. Did my best to help her though the trials of this life.  I would have continued on like that for the rest of my days  But it was not to be.

Did I make mistakes along the way?  Yes.  Mostly small mistakes,  And in reviewing my entire life I realize I have probably made more than I'd care to admit.  But I have asked Denise and God for forgiveness for those mistakes and have accepted that I have been forgiven.  She, like God, loves me unconditionally.  And I love her unconditionally as well.  I would not want her to worry or carry misplaced guilt if the roles were reversed.  I love her.

I still feel like I live my days in a fog...lost...not sure what to do or where to go next.  Big decisions need to be made soon and, without her, I have lost my bearings.  But I am adhering to the mantra "do the next thing."  Get up and get through this day.

I have been obsessed with NDE's and the afterlife since Denise's death.  This has really challenged my belief system.  But after reviewing hundreds of NDE's the salient feature from the experience, for me, is when, after the life review, people are asked, "How did you help others during your time?"  That, I think, is the whole point. How do we help those around us while we are here?  Life is hard for everyone.  Do we make it harder or easier for those we meet? We should strive to help.  Sometimes that help is something big and sometimes it is just a friendly word or a smile.

I am getting through the days the best I can.  And I am looking to help who may need it (health-wise, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, financially) and offering any support I can. I do that to honor Denise, for the gift of her love and the good qualities in me she brought forth, and to prepare myself for my own ultimate journey.

Make sure you aren't projecting you own misguided guilt onto others. Most of us aren't really good at guessing other people's motivations even in the best of times.  Try not to give the monsters under the bed the power to become real.

Remember that Tone loves you as much as you love him.  Despite everything else.  Make sure you are not laboring under false guilt.  And if you still feel you (or he) have anything to be guilty about, forgive yourself (and/or him) the best you can. Ask for God's forgiveness and accept that it has been given.  We are only human and prone to making mistakes. But we are saved by the grace of giving and receiving forgiveness, mercy and love.

You are loved.

(((((sonya)))))
« Last Edit: December 18, 2011, 12:57:47 PM by gaberax »

jasonkl

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #17 on: December 18, 2011, 08:15:47 PM »
Sonya,

I think we all have or have felt the guilt of what if I or the I sould of. The night I lost my wife we had a fight. We got into a fight because our son was hurt and need to go to the hospital and she wasn't sure if she could go with him or not.  I got mad at her because she wasn't making any sence and I was trying to figure out if I needed to leave work or not. Some things were said, things I wish were not the last things I said to her. That fight we had was the last time I would ever talk to her. It was 4 months ago today.

For me I know I will never get to say I'm sorry or that no matter what was going on I always love you. We all make mistakes, for me I always though there would be a tomarrow for me to make it right. I think we all did what we though was right at the time. I though I was letting her sleep, not wanting to wake her up because I knew she was in pain.

I too wish I had answers to your questions, I'm still looking for some of those answers myself. And I can't give you any andive on other people, at this point I honestly do not care what others think of how my relationship was or how I'm handleing her passing. I try to do what feels right. I think the only ones who truely understand are ones that have or are going though it. The rest of the world does not have a clue.


Just like Lisa said you are not alone, we are alwys with you.

Jason

sonya

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #18 on: December 19, 2011, 05:11:14 AM »
Thanks for all your words pof support, advice and sharing. In a bit of a grim place at the moment and needed to let all that guilt out. Needed to vent my frustrations and fears and hoped it would make me feel some release from it all.

i know in my head that I shouldnt feel guilty but my heart has not caught up with that idea yet.


As we all know some days are better than others and i feel as though I am in a bit of a pressure pot at the moment. I think a lot of that has to do with Christmas and New Year looming. You are right, I shouldnt care about what others think, should stop trying to be a mind reader and just say what i need to say. Will try to hold onto that and the knowledge that he knows how much i love him and I know how much he loves me too.

Have decided that I need to do a little personal memorial on New Years Eve as it is Tone's birthday. Maybe light a fire, burn some possessions and a photo and write a letter to send up with the flames. Has anyone done anything like this? Would be interested to hear some ideas in case they feel right to me too.

Once again thanks for being there as we all travel this road together, it makes it more bearable.

Sonya  ((((Hugs to all))))))
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

gaberax

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #19 on: December 19, 2011, 05:52:14 AM »
I like your idea about burning the letter.  Might try that myself, thanks.  Especially New Years.  We always banged pots and pans on the porch.

On the coming anniversary of Denise's death, July 15 I am planning on a wake of sorts.  I am inviting her family, friends and co-workers to a gathering.  I will ask them each to bring a photo or brief story or poem about Denise, some sort of remembrance.

sonya

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #20 on: December 21, 2011, 09:01:15 AM »
Thanks Gaberax,

I will have a memorial of sorts with friends in spring or summer but just need to do something private for the two of us on his birthday.

Take care x
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

MyLou

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #21 on: December 21, 2011, 04:23:59 PM »
((((((((((( SONYA )))))))))))))

Your ideas sound great.  You need to do what you feel is right !!!

For Lou's birthday I went to the cemetery.  My sister and nephew went with me.
I got balloons and cupcakes.  We sang and each ate a cupcake.  I left two there with his favorite was vanilla.  The cupcakes I bought had all sport symbols on them.  His favorite sports were baseball and football.  I had left one of each.

Always,

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

sonya

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #22 on: December 21, 2011, 04:35:32 PM »
Lisa that sounds about perfect :)

I know that there is no one way to do thins but was interested to get a range of ideas. Struggling making any decisions as I am sure you can empathise with.

Think  I have decided to do a fire. ( he was a fire juggler in early years, have 'stuff' of his that is not for keeping, its bloody cold up north, some sense of a shamistic connection of death and fire ).

The letter is for me to structure what I want to say to him and send it up in the flames. The photo of him to make it very real.

My friend asked me to save her some of the ashes. A great idea, think I will save some too.

(((((((((((Lisa))))))))))))))
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

jasonkl

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #23 on: December 21, 2011, 08:39:45 PM »
(((Sonya)))

Fire sounds like a great idea.

Jason

sonya

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #24 on: December 22, 2011, 03:38:16 PM »
Thanks (((((((((())))))))))))
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy