Author Topic: Holidays  (Read 7421 times)

sonya

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Holidays
« on: December 10, 2011, 12:40:28 AM »
Hi All,

Just wanted to say a big thank you to you for your words of support and encouragement as my anxiety levels have soared in response to the coming holidays.

The taxi is arriving in 20 minutes to take me to the airport and to start what I have been dreading, and looking forward to. Dreading the dates to come and looking forward to seeing good friends.

Wish me luck!

((((Hugs to all))))
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

MyLou

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2011, 05:09:52 AM »


Sonya,

You will be OK I promise and you have us :)

((((((((((((((((( SONYA )))))))))))))))))))

Always,

Lisa [/color
]
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

jasonkl

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2011, 05:44:51 AM »
Sonya,
Have a safe trip, we will be here when you need us.

My thoughs are with you.
Jason

johnkmurray

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2011, 02:22:21 PM »
(((Sonya)))

sonya

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2011, 04:22:48 AM »
(((Lisa))))
((((Jason))))
((((John)))))

Thanks Guys,

Well am here staying with friends. They at work during the day which is nice as gives me lots of space and time on my own. Tried to talk about Tone last night but it was a no go. So just let the conversation change and trying not to be angry with my friends for not wanting to get into it.
They only met him a few times as we live at different parts of the country but they have known me for years. Maybe I am expecting too much from people. I dont know.

Still it is nice to be with old friends and nice to be in the UK.

Will just keep chatting about Tone on here and to him.

OK, will go get dressed and venture out into the cold to buy some partridges! One step at a time has shrunk back down to the very next step instead of a week at a time. Feels like a big step backwards but just trying to go with it. This too will pass is my little mantra at the moment.

Sonya
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

jasonkl

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2011, 07:10:01 AM »
(((Sonya)))

Quote from: sonya link=topic=7393.msg52641#msg52641 date=1323775368
Still it is nice to be with old friends and nice to be in the UK.
[/quote

I have found that friends may not understand, but it is still nice to be around them. They help pass the time and for me that can be enough to help with pain, even if its just for alittle while.

As much is we want it to the world does not want to stop for us, I keep hoping it will be it doesn't seem to want to. Do what you have to for you. And try to easy on yourself if you can't get everything done you want to. Its one step at a time.

I/we are always hear to listen and support you.

Jason


browneyedgirl

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2011, 08:50:23 AM »
((((sonya))))

Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

johnkmurray

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2011, 03:12:13 PM »
down to the very next step instead of a week at a time.

Sonya,

Take it one day at a time. Heck, if need be one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time if that's what it takes. We'll be here for you. ;-)

John

MyLou

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2011, 06:48:26 PM »
((((((((((((((( SONYA )))))))))))))))

I'm glad to hear you had a safe trip and you are in the UK

Friends that didn't have a loss of a spouse they can't relate or really don't know what to say.  If they aren't wearing our shoes they don't get it.  I feel though it's nice if they will just listen and let you get everything out at that time.

I'm glad you have alone time for yourself while they are at work.   

There are going to be times that you may take two steps forward and 10 steps back.  Heck I've had tons of those day and it's OK so you try the next day.

Don't be to hard on yourself. 

We are here for you always remember that.

(((((((((((((((((( SONYA ))))))))))))))))))

Always,

Lisa
[/
i]
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

sonya

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #9 on: December 15, 2011, 01:53:20 AM »
Hi Guys,

thanks so much. Am trying to be very Zen and go easy on myself. Lowering expectations etc. And yes, down to very little steps but reallly appreciate the support from here. And yes, nice to be around people. :)
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

gaberax

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #10 on: December 15, 2011, 06:35:45 AM »
Best of luck. 

jasonkl

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #11 on: December 15, 2011, 07:29:07 AM »
Bob,
Thank you for allowing me/ us to have a face to go with the names. I just wish I had realized the picture I put up would show up at the bottem of all my posts before I started that thread.

Jason

gaberax

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #12 on: December 15, 2011, 11:22:54 AM »
Jason, after I saw you had it (d'uh! on me) I thought it would be a nice gesture. It is nice to see her face.  I have a picture of her on my PC's at work, at home and on my cell.  Gosh, I wish I had taken more pictures.

You and your wife look happy in your photo. :)

jasonkl

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #13 on: December 15, 2011, 08:19:27 PM »
Bob, I had that same D'uh moment when I saw the picture show up at the bottem of every post. ( I did put the address in the signature spot.)

We were happy in that picture, it was taken on April 3,2009. Our 10th wedding annaversary. We were at the London resturant in New York( she was in love with Gordan Ramasy). If you look really close there is a small look of pain in her eyes,( you may not be able to see it , I had to make the picture smaller so I almost can't see it) I would learn to know that look well over the next 2 years, she is trying to hide the pain. She would spend the next 2 days in bed after that trip and 2 months later the doctor would tell her she had rsd and her life would never be the same again. That was the first trip we ever took together with out anyone else, it would also be the last one. Sorry to be such a downer but that is where I am tonight.

Jason

Ps. you and your wife look every happy. I too wish I had more pictures.

sonya

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Re: Holidays
« Reply #14 on: December 18, 2011, 05:02:44 AM »
Hi guys. Stayed with my friends for nearly a week. The hard thing is that I never really talked about our relationship over the last couple of years as we were not together . Tone had started taking drugs. He was so scared of dealing with the possibility that he might have has huntingtons that he found a way to numb himself from it. Unfortunately he got addicted and as much as I loved him the lies and pain of living with someone who wasn't there got too much and I ended it. I always loved him. After I got over the lies I just wanted him free of drugs so that we could be together again. I tried to get o er him. Tried to move on and date other people but no one was tony. This year it sounded like he was clean and I started to think we could be together again. We talked about kids. Then he hit me with the bombshell that he was still on a substitute drug trying unsuccesfully to get off. He asked me to quit my job and go look after him and I said no. I was angry and hurt. I said I couldn't stop him he had to do it. If I could have done I would have done it years ago. I said we couldn't be together while he was on drugs. I hung up. Calmed down and was de using whether to get him to come and live with me to get him well before taking the next step. I wanted to get it right. I had a 2 day camping trip planned and was going to call him back after that to talk about him coming to me.
That last call was the Friday. It was on the early hours of Tuesday morning that I got the call to say that he was gone. I never had the chance to call him back and have enormous, overwhelming guilt. Fear that he died thinking that I said no. Thinking that I didn't want him back when it is all I ever wanted.
I didn't talk to people about these things at the time. Was making my own feelings clear in my own mind. Want friends saw was that we had split up years ago but were still in lots of contact. They didn't know that we alsways told each other that we loved each other except that I didn't on that last call. They didn't know we were talking about getting back together in those last few months.  They don't know that I am mourning the loss of my husband, his future, our future and potential children.
I think they don't understand why I am upset over the loss of wnhat they see as my ex partner.
He isn't, wasn't my ex in my heart. I know he felt the same.

I feel it is my fault that he died. I feel that if I had made thecall and told him to come to me he would have made it past that awful dark day and into my arms.

I feel that people look at me as a fraud. I feel that I have no right to be this upset in the eyes of others. I know I am not a mind reader but that is what people's responses seem to say.

But you were not together and were right to have ended it. You might not have got together again...
I know it's because I didn't tell them at the time. But in my heart we were always together. In my heart he was always my future.

Now my heart is swollen and broken and I am so lost. How am I supposed to go on without him? How am I supposed to find any meaning and point? Christmas. New year is his birthday.

I just feel so alone. And alone in my grief.

Sorry for such a long vent xxxx
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy