this has been my grief journey thus far
i started my journey sept 25th, when i couldnt handle much more anxiety, i travelled an hour away to my moms gravesite where i cried and talked to her about how life has been without her. thru my tears i managed to say"life is sooo hard these days"
by october i hadnt realised the anxiety and depression was from delayed grief. 3 years i waited to shed any tears.
mid october i admitted myself into the hospital cause i was soooo sad and anxiey ridden, i had no clue how to let these intense feelings out. even crying wouldn't help them go away. i was angry inside cause just 2 months before... i was "normal" (whatever that meant to me then and now is completely different) i also had no one to talk with about what i was going thru. i felt like i was slowly losing mental stability. in the hospital i prayed and wept and took some time to reflect on myself and why this was happening to me. after my mom passed, i took it upon myself to be strong, beacause she would have wanted me to be strong for my family. and i did. i was too strong. theres a neat saying i like it goes like this" strong trees fall hard" and that was me. i feel bad that no one helped me to tell me that it was ok to cry and mourn for my mom. she was a HUGE piece of me. why wouldnt i be sad??? i still think about that.
after my long weekend stay at the hospital(thurs -monday) i was ready to work thru this journey and hit my emotions head on, i had a timeline to get as much done as possible cause i hate feeling the things i was feeling. ha ha, that didnt work.
after much research on grief, i found out that this aint no easy process:( c'mon i thought, i am totally getting hit and attacked by my emotions at any given time, how do i manage my busy day with my children when my husbands away?? the easy answer was just to cry.
and cry lots. cry when im feeling sad over memories of my mother even though most for the first part of my journey were memories of my mom looking sickly in her room on her bed. that wasnt my mom!!! my mom was happy ,loving caring,neat and tidy, and always enjoyed company.and i stayed in denial all that summer, keeping busy with the housework,i thought, she would absolutely think needed to be done also cooking supper for my dad and my family.
anyways, by november my anxiety had diminished and the sadness was just coming a few times a day, not all day like before, the counsellors and support groups i went too, helped ease my mind and they all listened to me as i poured my heart out about all the things i felt about my mom and who she was and what i miss. anger was my hardest stage, cause i dont like getting angry. id be annoyed at little things and not know why. thankfully my kids didnt get the brunt of it. i kept it in and ultimately it manifested itself as anxiety. my back would get sore, my chest would be tight and my throat felt like it was closing up, so i would sigh LOTS, to try to get in a good breath. i still get sighing days but i plug thru.
and its december and im sooo thankful to be here on this forum, to see that all grief is different and unique like each one of us. its really comforting to know that i will get thru. just on the 4th i had a sad day because it was my eldest daughters bday and she is my moms first grandaughter, my mom was with me in the delivery room and got to give me the strenght and suppoprt i needed to have my first baby. i recalled her making fun of my husband after because he counted to 11 as he helped me push. hahah. and although that was her way of brushing off her nervousness,my mom was wonderful with her grandchild, she called Brianna her"too sweet" lots of times i could catch and watch her playing with her grandchild and see what a wonderful mom she must have been with me when i was a baby. i miss that she doesnt get to phsically spend time with my other 2 daughters who would have love, love loved their gramma.
i know that somedays will trigger feelings of sadness. i think i have one coming up!! my moms bday is on the 11th. and we are heading out of town to take our girls to their xmas party and to do some xmas shopping. i hope the anxiety stays away and i get to enjoy the season for my girls. i hate making this about me all the time, it sucks!
thanks for listening /reading
melody
Topic: my grief journey (Read 3214 times)
