Author Topic: my grief journey  (Read 2572 times)

IMUM

  • nospam
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 31
    • View Profile
my grief journey
« on: December 07, 2011, 11:48:57 AM »
this has been my grief journey thus far
i started my journey sept 25th, when i couldnt handle much more anxiety, i travelled an hour away to my moms gravesite where i cried and talked to her about how life  has been without her. thru my tears i managed to say"life is sooo hard these days"
by october i hadnt realised the anxiety and depression was from delayed grief. 3 years i waited to shed any tears.
mid october i admitted myself into the hospital cause i was soooo sad and anxiey ridden, i had no clue how to let these intense feelings out. even crying wouldn't help them go away. i was angry inside cause just 2 months before... i was "normal" (whatever that meant to me then and now is completely different) i also had no one to talk with about what i was going thru. i felt like i was slowly losing mental stability. in the hospital i prayed and wept and took some time to reflect on myself and why this was happening to me. after my mom passed, i took it upon myself to be strong, beacause she would have wanted me to be strong for my family. and i did. i was too strong. theres a neat saying i like it goes like this" strong trees fall hard" and that was me. i feel bad that no one helped me to tell me that it was ok to cry and mourn for my mom. she was a HUGE piece of me. why wouldnt i be sad??? i still think about that.
after my long  weekend stay at the hospital(thurs -monday) i was ready to work thru this journey and hit my emotions head on, i had a timeline to get as much done as possible cause i hate feeling the things i was feeling. ha ha, that didnt work.

after much research on grief, i found out that this aint no easy process:( c'mon i thought, i am totally getting hit and attacked by my emotions at any given time, how do i manage my busy day with my children when my husbands away?? the easy answer was just to cry.
and cry lots. cry when im feeling sad over  memories of my mother even though most for the first part of my journey were memories of my mom looking sickly in her room on her bed. that wasnt my mom!!! my mom was happy ,loving caring,neat and tidy, and always enjoyed company.and i stayed in denial all that summer, keeping busy with the housework,i thought, she would absolutely think needed to be done also cooking supper for my dad and my family.

anyways, by november my anxiety had diminished and the sadness was just coming a few times a day, not all day like before, the counsellors and support groups i went too, helped ease my mind and they all listened to me as i poured my heart out about all the things i felt about my mom and who she was and what i miss. anger was my hardest stage, cause i dont like getting angry. id be annoyed at little things and not know why. thankfully my kids didnt get the brunt of it. i kept it in and ultimately it manifested itself as anxiety. my back would get sore, my chest would be tight and my throat felt like it was closing up, so i would sigh LOTS, to try to get in a good breath. i still get sighing days but i plug thru.
and its december and im sooo thankful to be here on this forum, to see that all grief is different and unique like each one of us. its really comforting to know that i will get thru. just on the 4th i had a sad day because it was my eldest daughters bday and she is my moms first grandaughter, my mom was with me in the delivery room and got to give me the strenght and suppoprt i needed to have my first baby. i recalled her making fun of my husband after because he counted to 11 as he helped me push. hahah. and although that was her way of brushing off her nervousness,my mom was wonderful with her grandchild, she called Brianna her"too sweet" lots of times i could catch and watch her playing with her grandchild and see what a wonderful mom she must have been with me when i was a baby. i miss that she doesnt get to phsically spend time with my other 2 daughters who would have love, love loved their gramma.
i know that somedays will trigger feelings of sadness. i think i have one coming up!! my moms bday is on the 11th. and we are heading out of town to take our girls to their xmas party and to do some xmas shopping.  i hope the anxiety stays away and i get to enjoy the season for my girls. i hate making this about me all the time, it sucks!
thanks for listening /reading


melody

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: my grief journey
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2011, 09:18:16 PM »

Hi Melody,

Thanks for sharing what's been going on. Know that I am holding you close with your Momma's Birthday coming up and also having to deal with the holidays. Maybe have a talk with your family doc about trying to manage the anxiety. I have experienced it and it's frightening at times.

Let us know how you make out with the girls party and know we care, very much.

Love,
Terry

IMUM

  • nospam
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 31
    • View Profile
Re: my grief journey
« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2011, 02:07:23 PM »
thanks terry
 i have talked to my doc about the anxiety, for the most part i know where it is coming from. but he will only suggest anti depressants, im more an all natural kinda gal when it comes to healing, like vitamins and massage. i have started regular massage and i have elimintaed as much stress from my life as i could. the anxiety comes when im holding back my feelings. i have noticed in the last few days, when i talk with others just on a daily basis, i get more up/happy. and i feel good about myself. then that high kinda wears off until someone else asks me how im doing and whats new. so im thinking surrounding myself with a lot of people that care about me is very important. so i take what i can get. when my husband is home i function fine and we keep busy and i feel safe., its just when he leaves for 6 days, i start to get lonely and sad more.
and yes the anxiety is a bit scary since there is soo much energy inside and no place to use it. and my brain just goes on and on. i have a few breathing techniques i use and i ration with my mind about how this is just in your head. my mind has been working over time for 3 years avoiding my actual feelings, so i guess its gonna take awhile to slow down. i also have my faith and i pray and cry when im feeling overwhelmed. that seems to release lots of tension. its a journey that has been sooo hard that i take each day one day at a time. im hoping one day i will be the old melody. but better:) see im still optimistic but all of this is soo foreign to me that i have to keep reminding myself that this is grief and it will get better.
and thank you for all your support. i will let ypu know how the girls liked their christmas party:)

melody

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: my grief journey
« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2011, 02:45:56 PM »
i will let ypu know how the girls liked their christmas party:)
Please do!

Sending hugs and love,

((((((Melody))))))

Love,
Terry

browneyedgirl

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2320
    • View Profile
Re: my grief journey
« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2011, 03:51:07 PM »
((((Melody)))))
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven