job

[helene]

my job's on the line now. cuts and all that. want to die. don't want Christmas. I'm the main breadwinner. I watched a film about a woman reporter went to jail for life in order to protect a child witness. I feel that some kind of similar fait awaits me as it did Lesley. I have held on for as long as I could. did the best I thought i could. I am tired. So many jobs being cut. So many lives  lost.

Love,
Helene

[browneyedgirl]

(((helene)))))

Please stay with us, we will get through this together.  I am sorry I can't make everything better, you're in my thoughts, okay?  Please come back soon and let us know how you're doing.

[Terry]

Helene,

I'm not diminishing the weight of your message but just a reminder that we are very different the months prior to and even proceeding the holidays. I journal, as you know and I often reflect back and sometimes it's difficult to distinguish who was writing in my journal. Then, I look at the dates and everything makes sense.

We can be brought to our lowest point, ever in these months leading up to and then the actual day and having to deal with the day itself and then all of the hoopla regarding the "New Year" which can bring promise to our lives, if we let it. Even the smallest change could give us the reason we're searching for, one that will sustain us.

You are so talented, gifted and I feel you have a lot to offer, a lot to contribute that would help so many people. Lesley did not die in vane. You are honoring her every time you share of her in your writing, your poetry and I'm sure you have short stories and even shelves that you can fill with stories of Lesley's life. I feel we have a responsibility to our loved ones to continue to be their 'voice' and allow that 'voice' to enter the darkest recesses of lost souls. So few people are able to enter those dark spaces. You are one of those people, Helene.

You have my Love & Respect,
Terry

[Tom]

Helene -  So sorry that things are piling up and it's feeling overwhelming.  If you are thinking of suicide please know that there is help available.  A quick google search can put you in touch with many resources.  One of those resources might be this link:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

Blessings to you.

Tom

[jasonkl]

Helene

You don't know me I usaully post in spouce loss. I read your post and wanted to tell you I understand what you are feeling have felt that hopeless myself. I know what it like to feel so overwhelmed by pain, to feel there is no other answer, that death seems to be the only way out. I know I have been down that road. I know it feels hopeless now and you would do anything to make the pain stop. And All you need is that one more thing to push you over the edge of the cliff, that last reason to stop trying. I know this because I have been there and tryed. It doesn't make you feel any better if anything I felt worse.
I can tell you the hopelessness does go away with time. The feelings of being overwhelmded to go away slowley. But it will go away. Try to hang in there, I know it's hard.

Jason

[browneyedgirl]

helene ~ how are you today?  Please post if you like.

[helene]

Still here. Don't want to be. Thank you everyone. I really, really do appreciate all your caring. I know I'm not the only one here going through this kind of thing. Had to decorate the office yesterday. Made me want to throw up. I literally felt sick to my stomach. My 'best' times are when I'm unconscious - hence thoughts about possibly making such a state permanent. This job thing is a last straw for me. I see no future. Only bleakness. Emptiness. Like I'm standing on a vast plane  - completely flat, grey, no horizon. It's all around me and there's no where to go.

I realize I'm pathetic and most likely selfishly feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for listening.

Love,
Helene.

[ScottW]

Hi Helene.  Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and that you are anything but pathetic.    We are all here for you, lean on us, please.

[mary strain]

Helene:

After we lose someone.  We are not the same people.  For me that means I am waiting for the next shoe to fall and make something more bad to happen.  I am trying to take one day at time and find something to be thankful for. Please do not kill yourself.  I would miss you so.  We need people like you to help us see what we are feeling and what we can take from your peoms to help us find our way.

Love Mary

[browneyedgirl]

helene ~

You are anything but pathetic.....as Mary said, when we lose someone, our lives are changed, and dramatically at that. And it's okay to feel sorry for yourself - I think that comes with the territory. 

Lots of love.  Hang in there, we are all here for you.

[Terry]

Helene,

You are not pathetic. You are wonderful in so many ways. I wish I could take your pain away but please know that I am always here for you. You are so loved and cared for here by all.

Love,
Terry

[jasonkl]

Helene ,

You are not pathetic, you are just in a bad place. If you can't  see anywhere to go then close your eyes and let others guild you to a new horizon.

jason

[browneyedgirl]

helene ~ checking in on you....

Pam

[helene]

Hi Pam and Everyone,

Thank you for checking in on me. I'm still here as you can see. I've started to read a book about repressed rage, which is a big part of what is 'bothering' me. I feel rage at Lesley's untimely death. Rage at how the rest of my so-called 'family' won't even mention her name any more. Rage at this 'festive' time of the year. Rage at how the medical system let Lesley down because they were not yet advanced enough to have any idea what was wrong with her. Rage at my boss for giving 3 days of 'mourning leave'. (But of course, what could they do - put me on 'indefinite grief and rage disability' - ?! Rage, rage, rage - ! It's not just anger but goes far beyond that. I am sure many here know exactly what I'm talking about. Most of the time we all have to repress our rage in one form or another. I let my 'beast'  out in the open through my poems some times. (Of course, I've previously tried cigarettes, alcohol, pills, and various botched suicide attempts.) Again, I know this is raw, but I know I am not alone here from what some of you have shared with me.

Thanks again for listening. I am grateful.

Love,


Helene

[jasonkl]

Helene
 
I know rage,  mine may not be the same rage you speak of. When I tryed to die my rage was turned inward at my self. After my wife was hurt and the pain could not be helped my rage was every where. To turn it inward I would be come self disturctive, to turn it loose I would distory every relationship thats was important to me. I struggle with this for 3 years. I found going to the gym helped  keep it under control.  My rage was lost with my wife, along with my drive, and my passion.  I'm glad you have a postive outlet for your rage. Keep writing and doing anything else that helps. I/ we are here to help if we can.

Jason