hi there
this is my first posting in any forum ever. so im gonna try to get too the point.
these last few months have been extremely difficult for me, in sept 2011, i started getting anxiety really bad. i had a few episodes of anxiety(couldnt stop worrying or thinking and had lots of energy) and i started getting really depressed because i had no clue where the anxiety was coming from.(ijust couldnt fix myself) i finally reached out to my childs preschool worker who helped me talk thru some things that maybe might be causing this, like extreme stress, busy household and other activities. i felt so much better when i could talk about some things. Later that day i took myself to the emergency room cause i just felt such despair i couldnt even pinpoint why i was feeling this way. The way my girls laughed used to bring me such joy everyday and now i seemed so far away ). the docs gave me some meds sent me home told me they have seen this lots everyone goes thru this. even though the thought of going home to my wonderful home and 3 beautiful daughters scared me soooo much.( my husband works away from home for 6 days at a time and hes home for 6 days at a time, thats his schedule.)
so i went on just racking my brains about why this is happening to me. i went on thru those weeks with anxiety that id have to just live thru, and i hated my thoughts. they were just soooo lonely and i kept thinking to myself" is this it? is this all my life is gonna be, wake up feed my girls, cook clean and do it all over again?" i felt so alone that i was thinking death would feel much more better than the way i am feeling now( no suicide tendencies just thats how i explained thats how alone i felt) now that was close to thanksgiving in canada and i had a friend who suggested that this may be delayed grief of my mothers passing, i wasnt sure if that could be possible since for the past 3 years since her death i felt fine? but at this point i was deperate
my dad who was concered for me and my well being came to stay with me for a day and he decided we should all join him up at his home for thanksgiving, which i thought would be good. but that day i went to talk to a friend who is still grieving her moms death 5 years later, i thought wow could this be, could this be from my unwillingness to let out my emotions. and sure enough, i let out a good long sobbing cry for my mom. it felt good to finally cry and tell her things i wanted to say to her while we cared for her in my parents home for the 3 months before she passed away from breast cancer. im struggling with the fact that i could have been in denial for 3 years?
but being an only child who was raised in a family that didnt really show emotions, it seems logical. (my mom was an alcoholic)
im on this forum to find people who will tell me im not about to go crazy. somedays im fine, somedays im worried about death and how i cant control it that i get some anxiety.i ve learned lots about myself these past few months, im definately a control freak.its ok to cry and show other that you are human, (mainly my kids), that people are willing to help no matter what.but what i cant come to grips with or accept, is before my mom passed away i had a normal life. now that it has hit me that shes not here, im slowly starting to accept the reality(slowly) of life and that life isnt what i happily thought it was. life has never been so hard since now. just getting thru each day is a blessing. i have turned back to my faith which i abandoned after my mom died. and im hopeful. its just the disruption that grief causes in my life is just not nice. i want to be happy again and live happily, but i just see the reality of death everywhere. it sure does hinder my life.
if anyone out there has been in denial for soo long can you please tell me how you coped . thanks soo much.