Author Topic: only child,32, lost mother 3 years ago, just starting to grieve  (Read 2906 times)

IMUM

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only child,32, lost mother 3 years ago, just starting to grieve
« on: December 06, 2011, 11:53:34 AM »
hi there
this is my first posting in any forum ever. so im gonna try to get too the point.

these last few months have been extremely difficult for me, in sept 2011, i started getting anxiety really bad.  i had a few episodes of anxiety(couldnt stop worrying or thinking and had lots of energy) and i started getting really depressed because i had no clue where the anxiety was coming from.(ijust couldnt fix myself) i finally reached out to my childs preschool worker who helped me talk thru some things that maybe might be causing this, like extreme stress, busy household and other activities. i felt so much better when i could talk about some things. Later that day i took myself to the emergency room cause i just felt such despair i couldnt even pinpoint why i was feeling this way. The way my girls laughed used to bring me such joy everyday and now i seemed so far away ). the docs gave me some meds sent me home told me they have seen this lots everyone goes thru this. even though the thought of going home to my wonderful home and 3 beautiful daughters scared me soooo much.( my husband works away from home for 6 days at a time and hes home for 6 days at a time, thats his schedule.)
 so i went on just racking my brains about why this is happening to me. i went on thru those weeks with anxiety that id have to just live thru, and i hated my thoughts. they were just soooo lonely and  i kept thinking to myself" is this it? is this all my life is gonna be, wake up feed my girls, cook clean and do it all over again?" i felt so alone that i was thinking death would feel much more better than the way i am feeling now( no suicide tendencies just thats how i explained thats how alone i felt) now that was close to thanksgiving in canada and i had a friend who suggested that this may be delayed grief of my mothers passing, i wasnt sure if that could be possible since for the past 3 years since her death i felt fine? but at this point i was deperate
 my dad who was concered for me and my well being came to stay with me for a day and he decided we should all join him up at his home for thanksgiving, which i thought would be good. but that day i went to talk to a friend who is still grieving her moms death 5 years later, i thought wow could this be, could this be from my unwillingness to let out my emotions.  and sure enough, i let out a good long sobbing cry  for my mom. it felt good to finally cry and tell her things i wanted to say to her while we cared for her in my parents home for the 3 months before she passed away from breast cancer. im struggling with the fact that i could have been in denial for 3 years???? but being an only child who was raised in a family that didnt really show emotions, it seems logical. (my mom was an alcoholic)
im on this forum to find people who will tell me im not about to go crazy. somedays im fine, somedays im worried about death and how i cant control it that i get some anxiety.i ve learned lots about myself these past few months, im definately a control freak.its ok to cry and show other that you are human, (mainly my kids), that people are willing to help no matter what.but what i cant come to grips with or accept, is before my mom passed away i had a normal life. now that it has hit me that shes not here, im slowly starting to accept the reality(slowly) of life and that life isnt what i happily thought it was. life has never been so hard since now. just getting thru each day is a blessing. i have turned back to my faith which i abandoned after my mom died. and im hopeful. its just the disruption that grief causes in my life is just not nice. i want to be happy again and live happily, but i just see the reality of death everywhere. it sure does hinder my life.
if anyone out there has been in denial for soo long can you please tell me how you coped . thanks soo much.

browneyedgirl

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Re: only child,32, lost mother 3 years ago, just starting to grieve
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2011, 12:00:35 PM »
Dear IMUM ~

I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother, and no you're not crazy.....although I know it feels that way.  Really, I don't think it matters how much time as passed, we all grieve differently and at our own pace.  Grief is unique as each one of us.

Welcome - you have come to the right place.  There is always someone to listen and we all care very much. 

Please come back and let us know how you're doing.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

IMUM

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Re: only child,32, lost mother 3 years ago, just starting to grieve
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2011, 12:37:23 PM »
thanks so much:) let me tell you more about myself:)
my name is melody. i have 3 daughters aged 9, 4 and 2. a wonderful husband who is trying to understand what i am going thru. and because i was soo lost, i reached out to anyone who would help me. (since it was soo scary going from happy and optimistic to one day anxiety ridden, sad ,lonely and afraid) i curently see 2 counsellors to help me talk thru things i may be feeling for/about my mom, and i do this because i dont want to burden other family members. and also it feels better to talk with someone not as close. i still talk with the preschool worker who helps me when my husband is away and i'm  feeling lonely and sad. she has become such a good friend and mentor.  and i go once a week to a womens support group. really when i think of my mom sometimes i realise just how important her being in my life was, maybe i did take her for granted and somehow thought she would live to beat alcoholism and we could sit and have coffee together and really get to know one another. i honestly thought i was grown up enough to handle such a big loss. i realised that this IS helping me grow older and wiser with more compassion for others and that i want to help people out more. but the grief comes and goes, somedays im down and somedays i was like before ready to take on the world.

im soo full of emotions these days and somedays my husband doesnt want to talk all day about my mom with me and i understand. hes there though for the most part. he knows that it cant be easy to go thru what im going thru. i feel a sense of calmness knowing i can come on here and release all my emotions and write em out.   :)
thanks again. frogive me if i seem all over the place, there is soo much i want to write.

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: only child,32, lost mother 3 years ago, just starting to grieve
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2011, 03:17:39 PM »

Hi Melody,

I read your intro and thanks for sharing your story. Time has such a different meaning when we're grieving and we all find ways to protect our hearts from the intense pain and denial/avoidance is just one of the many ways. One of our Dad's from the Child Loss Board said once, "I know my daughter is dead, at least in my mind I know but if it ever got to my heart....it would kill me."

A short story: I met a Mom who lost her son here in my town at a CF meeting and she had never grieved. She came from a family who didn't show emotions. She was told that to cry was a weakness and she, herself was never even hugged as a child or told she was loved. She has begun to grieve. It's never too late to begin this journey.

I'm glad you're able to express all of these feelings now. Keep posting. Have you started a journal? It will be very helpful, if you haven't yet. We're listening on here. Come on day or night and tell us everything you're feeling. This is a place where you can express your anger, sadness, guilt and there will never be any judgments, from anyone. We've all been there and some of us are going through the same right now.

Welcome to our webhealing family and know you're loved and cared for here. When no one else understands...we will.

You have my love,
Terry