Author Topic: the begining of hell  (Read 12929 times)

gaberax

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 252
    • View Profile
Re: the begining of hell
« Reply #15 on: November 02, 2011, 08:27:49 PM »
Jason, get some rest if you can.  Give yourself time to take all this in.  Try to talk to someone who will listen. Someone you can trust, someone who understands. Watch out with the guilt.  I am sure you did the things you thought were right at the time with the information you had.  You love this woman.  You would have done anything to save and protect her.  Don't take on guilt for things you are not responsible for.  Again, I strongly suggest you talk to someone, face-to-face, a professional if you can afford it or have insurance; if not in a group setting. As soon as possible.  You may need to take some time off from work, if you can afford to.

I speaking as a friend.  If you are interested in talking, I would PM my cell.  You could call anytime.  Just let me know.

Thoughts and prayers going out to you.
« Last Edit: November 02, 2011, 08:29:26 PM by gaberax »

arthur

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 298
  • ((Maureen))
    • View Profile
Re: the begining of hell
« Reply #16 on: November 02, 2011, 08:58:13 PM »
Jason..You said you had an argument with your wife the last you spoke to her for her smoking too much and frustrated over your son's accident.   I was mad at Maureen the morning of 041311-the day of her major heart attack-for her pushing herself too much and not getting enough sleep. Couples who really love each other fight Jason. Maureen and I fought alot even though we loved each other dearly.  Please don't second guess yourself over your wife's death..she died of something that was beyond your control. I did the same thing to myself after Maureen died...I questioned myself and beat myself up for not taking the day off to be with her due to her fatigue from overwork and not enough rest.  I think talking to a therpist or a psychologist like Gaberax suggested is a great idea. You are under a super amount of stress now and you can't do this alone.  Finding the grief group was a great idea. The sooner you get that guilt/grief building up inside of you out of you the better off you will be.   I goto griefshare like Gaberax does..just google the website and find a group near where you live. Hang on Jason. We're here for you,arthur

jasonkl

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 485
    • View Profile
Re: the begining of hell
« Reply #17 on: November 03, 2011, 04:39:35 AM »
gaberax and arthur

I'm in a group and I will look into one on one counseling. I scraded myself yesturerday along with my son. He over heard me tell someone that I though I saw her in the store last week and I looked for her. I tryed to tell him this happens some times and its normal especially with losing someone so suddenlly.

The guilt that overwhelmed me yesterday I have been struggling with for a while. I had talk to a few friends about it  and I though it was settled. I was wrong. I wasn't ready to hear about her toxic levels of meds.The guilt came back. My head know there is nothing more I could have done for her, but my heart isn't on the same page as my head. I know part of the guilt comes from the fact that we fought about her smoking and the night she passed after the emts pronounced her I took her ciguretts and started smoking again myself.

What happened yesterday was one of things my wife told me she loved and hated about me. That no matter what was going on in my life, if some else needed my help I could bury my emosions and help the other in need. The only problem with it was when I was done helping the other I when I let myself feel again it was twice as intense as it was before I buryed it. It was so intense yesterday that I even though about taking of my wedding ring, that was the first time I had ever even thought about it.

I feel a little better today, not sure if will last all day but I now understand that I need help with this.

thanks for everything

jason

mousewife

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 277
    • View Profile
Re: the begining of hell
« Reply #18 on: November 03, 2011, 10:11:25 AM »
Jason,

You are not responsible for your wife's death.  At the time you saw your wife breathing shallowly, if you had any reason to believe that this was unusual you would have called for help.  It is only with the knowledge that you have now that you think this.

You can't go back in time with this new knowledge and make a different decision.  I'm sorry for that.  It is going to be a difficult and intrusive thought that will torment you.  Try your best to counteract this thought with the knowledge of your love for her and all the things that you did to care for her, and know that you did the best you could.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife

jasonkl

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 485
    • View Profile
Re: the begining of hell
« Reply #19 on: November 03, 2011, 06:36:50 PM »
My guilt is all but gone now, I'm thinking clearer now. I have been thinking alot about the information I was given. They ruled it accidental. Her levels were so high. Something else had to be going on. I realize now I will never know what happend that night. I just had to remind myself that she is on longer in pain. She doesn't have to suffer any more. I can live with that. Now I just need to learn how.

jason

gaberax

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 252
    • View Profile
Re: the begining of hell
« Reply #20 on: November 04, 2011, 08:17:15 AM »
***virtual pats on the back*** {{{jasonkl}}}  Glad you are thinking clearer. Hang in there, brother. ***tears***

browneyedgirl

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2320
    • View Profile
Re: the begining of hell
« Reply #21 on: November 04, 2011, 09:09:43 AM »
((((jason))))
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: the begining of hell
« Reply #22 on: November 04, 2011, 08:35:31 PM »

Jason,

The fact that my husband was no longer suffering was the only peace I felt when he died. I carried around a ton of emotions that would have driven me mad, were I to continue to "what if" myself and I was really good at that.
In the end, my husband had the last word, and I knew he would. The reason he died with a smile on his face. And....I'll never know.....

Love & Hugs!

jasonkl

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 485
    • View Profile
Re: the begining of hell
« Reply #23 on: November 04, 2011, 08:55:51 PM »
My guilt has been replaced by saddness and emptyness. I feel so cold. I got some info from one my wife's friends. She told me my wife attempted to take her life a week before she passed. Her friend though I knew, my wife had lead her to believe that I was home with her and caught her trying.
I have started to question everything. In my head I know it was ruled accidental, but with this new info I'm starting to wonder. Did she take her own life. I was already struggling with the out come of the toxicology report and now I have this. I have so many emotions hitting me at once. I have been in a bad place all day. I don't know how to put into words what I'm feeling. I understond the pain, the helplessness, saddness, and the loss. But this is different. It's like I'm not really here. Is this wahat shock feels like? One minute I'm ok and can function and then I will just start to cry, and then I will just get mad. All this just keeps repeating for a while. And then I just go numb. I'm so confussed.  I hope you can understand this post. Because to be honest I can't even remember what I just wrote.

Jason

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: the begining of hell
« Reply #24 on: November 05, 2011, 12:19:47 AM »

Hey buddy, are you OK? Deep breaths....

MyLou

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 763
    • View Profile
Re: the begining of hell
« Reply #25 on: November 05, 2011, 01:07:40 AM »
Jason,

I'm so sorry of the news you heard from your wife's friend.  Your loss is still very raw and then this.  Of course it's normal to cry, get mad and be confused.  You need to take it at one second, minute, or hour at a time.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.


((((((((((((( JASON ))))))))))))))))

Lisa
« Last Edit: November 05, 2011, 01:09:47 AM by MyLou »
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

jasonkl

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 485
    • View Profile
Re: the begining of hell
« Reply #26 on: November 05, 2011, 04:45:30 AM »
I am as ok as I can be. I'm still here. My mind and my heart are in a tug of war. I part of me wants to be mad at her, the other part understands why she would want to take her own life. I been there Tried it once and failed. Having all this info at once was just alot to take in. I have trust issues always have. I'm disapointed and hurt that my wife could tell me how she was feeling. I know there is no reason for the coroner to lie, but I still think that they got it wrong and she did do it to herself. I just don't know. I wanted answers and I got them. They just were not what I wanted to hear. I geuss that saying is true careful what you wish for, you just may get it.

Like you Terry, I have to remind myself no matter what happened her pain is over and that is all that really matters. I would have done anything to take her pain away. so if I have to live in hell to stop her pain , I would do it all again.

Lisa you found the word I was looking for RAW. My emotions are very raw. They are all over the place.I'm trying to take it one second at A time.

((((((((((pam))))))) Thank you for sharing. I was so deep in my dispair. I didn't acknowledge your response. Any response is good, just knowing someone is listening and can understand is more than enough.


(((((((((((hugs for all)))))))))))))) You all  truely understand  and care. I think this wave is almost over.

jason

arthur

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 298
  • ((Maureen))
    • View Profile
Re: the begining of hell
« Reply #27 on: November 05, 2011, 10:18:27 PM »
I am so sorry to hear about the news of your wife Jason. I can't imagine how'd I feel if I were in your shoes. From your posts the love you had for each other was/is great. Like you if I would do anything, anything to have my wife back again. But as you said your wife was in great pain and now she isn't.  That is the important thing. I know this news must be reopening your grief anew once again.  I guess this is the nature of grief..when things seem to be settling down new waves of pain start anew and are triggered by certain things or events.  Just ride the waves Jason, and know that love is greater than anger or blame, as it is the only real thing that counts in this life. I will be praying for you, take care, arthur

jasonkl

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 485
    • View Profile
Re: the begining of hell
« Reply #28 on: November 06, 2011, 06:09:05 AM »
Arthur
Thank you for your understanding and support. The way we lost our loved ones may be different, but reason we are all here is the same. The love we all felt so great that even that she is gone I know she is still trying to protect me from myself.

I have something to new to share. I was going to open a new topic but I think it fits in this one.

My daughter has been in contact with an old friend of mine for the last 10 weeks. My daughter has been trying to get her to contact me. She finally convinced her a few days ago after I got the news from the coroners. This friend I haven seen or talked to in almost 17 years. She was better friends with my daughters mom than me, so when we broke up. I never really heard from her again. I come to find out that she lost her husband  about 5 years ago and has moved back into the area. We got together last night. I can't tell you how nice it was to be able to talk to someone who is around my age with kids the same ages and understands. My friends don't understand, the people I work with don't understand. I know you guys understand and I'm so thankful I found this site, you all have been a life saver. I can't put into words what it is like to sit across from someone who was almost in the same spot I am and be able to talk about it. Her geirf is not new and alot of what I'm going through she has already been through and it gives me hope that oneday I will not hurt as bad.


I have been in such a bad place for the last few days.  You all have shared my pain and supported me through this hard time. So I hope you can all share my positve experance and feel  good with me too.

((((hugs for all))))

jason
« Last Edit: November 06, 2011, 06:43:42 PM by jasonkl »

jasonkl

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 485
    • View Profile
Re: the begining of hell
« Reply #29 on: November 08, 2011, 06:17:32 AM »
I'm back on this road again, the war between my heart and head is going as strong as ever. I got the letter from the coroners office yesterday. For some reason I thought when I opened it, I would find peace and understanding. All I found was more questions. She had an artery that was 80% blocked. I don't know if she knew about it but I know I didn't. Her med levels were very high. They told me last week they were high but I did the math and they most were alot higher than I was told.

Our son saw the letter and read it. He asked me if I found the note yet. I told him there was no note that they ruled it accadental. He told me she was always hiding things from me and I was blind. He is convinced she took her own life and to be honest I think she did too. I just don't want to tell him that. I don't know how to move forward with this. I have so many questions. I want to call the coroners office and see if I can get some answers, but I'm afraid of what they might tell me.

I trusted her to tell me everything no matter how much it might hurt me and now she is not here to explain herself. And I'm left with questions, lots of questions. The hurt I feel now is different from before. I'm so mad at her. She lied to me, she hid stuff from me. I though we had a better realtionship than that I guess I was wrong. I was always honest with her and told her everything, I though she did the same. I think this hurts almost as bad as her loss.

 I have to stop now getting very upset and I have to work today. thank you for listening.

jason