So glad to finally find this place.

[Terry]

((((((((((((Rozzie))))))))))))

Sending lots of Love to you & Understanding.

[Terry]

Rozzie,

I noticed you were signed on. How have you been doing?

Always think of you,
Love,
Terry

[rozzie01]

I need to report a crime. I have been robbed. A thief came into my life, my home, my family and my spirit and stole something that was very valuable. This thief crept into our lives, my life and stole my air. This thief stole my Mommie.  There is no earthly reporting agency, there is no one who will give me justice. If I call 911 they will probably take me away. I can't look to anyone for justice. There will be no trial, no jury and no prosecution. This thief is going to get away scot free. I am furious, I am angry.....I know the name of the thief, I have a description but he will just walk away and steal from someone else. The thief is a serial killer, a molester, a chronic offender. It seems as if no one will make him pay for his crimes. The thief that I speak of is Cancer.....and I want my day in court.

[rozzie01]

Hi Terry,

I am not doing so well. I fractured my ankle and I am stuck in the house to do nothing but think.  The last two months have been very difficult. I have been having nightmares and what I think are visitations. They are disturbing and upsetting. They leave me restless and depressed. I had a dream or visitation I am not sure which the other day that is haunting me. I dreamed of Mommie and she was healthy looking (she always looks healthy in my dreams). In this dream every one around could see her but no one but me would talk to her. And I was angry with her. I was yelling at her about the state that her family is in because she left. I was angry with the decisions that she made regarding her estate that has caused so much division and bitterness in my heart. (I can only speak for myself). I told her that her will was evil and mean spirited and that if she had made me her heir I would have burned it rather than express what I know for sure were not her last heart's desire.  I don't know if I had mentioned that she had disinherited me. I was a beneficiary to her life insurance policy in equal part, but other things were deliberately held from me and my issue. At the time that she wrote the will we were at odd as we often were. But she never rescinded it. In her last days it was only she and I and she told me over and over on a daily basis how much she loved me. The people that were given her estate never came to see her or help take care of her. They called but no one was physically with her but me. I loved her so very much and even though I felt as if I was losing her I fought so hard to take care of her. And in the end the only treasure that I wanted was for her to stay with me. That was taken away. And I really don't care about her worldly goods but they way that I was treated and the mean spirit with which her wishes were carried out have probably done permanent damage to my relationships with my siblings. I am isolated and I am alone. My best friend of 42 years is gone. and I stand alone.

[Terry]

Gee, Roz I'm so sorry. You're really dealing with a lot. A lot of pain from loss in both death and betrayal.

How did you break your ankle? I can relate to having too much 'alone' time and I have to agree with you that it's not a good thing when you're not feeling well in other areas. I try to keep busy with reading, writing and just about anything I can manage without having to be too physical.

Do you like to write? Read? Watch old movies? Try and find something because the pain, alone can swallow us up, if we don't work 'with' it. I know it's not an easy thing to do and that's why I suggested writing. Have you thought about writing letters to your siblings about the way you are feeling? You don't have to send them but just getting the feelings out is so important for our mental health.
You're angry with the cancer. Tell IT OFF, TOO!!! Write until your fingers cramp and you can't write anymore. I still do that sometimes. It will sure tire you out.

I feel the same about Alzheimer's as you do Cancer. I've been writing a book for caregivers as it's so challenging and so sad. And, no one should walk into this type of caregiving blindly although every patient is so unique in their symptoms. I'm hoping that the tips I'm offering help alleviate some of the fear that both the caregiver and the patient feel and through so many different stages of the disease. They suffer with so much pain, confusion, fear...it's just awful. Watching someone disappear before your very eyes.
Write about it, Roz and share your pain and all you went through. And, all you're still going through. Write it just for you, if you want. You've shared so much on this board, which has been great and I've enjoyed reading everything you've shared; your sharing here could be a starting point for you. Keep writing. Not everyone can do this, Roz. You're always very open and that's so healing although I know you don't feel good right now....in time you will feel better. You will feel like living and you'll be able to live with the pain. And it's not always going to be this intense, either. I ran against the wind for so long that when it finally caught up with me, we were both exhausted. Now, we walk. Together. I've accepted that brutal, harsh reality.

((((((((Rozzie))))))))

Always here for you friend,
Love,
Terry

[rozzie01]

Terry,

How are you feeling?? I read on another board that you had been in the hospital. I hope all is well now. I fractured my ankle in a fall down my interior stairs. Because of all the trauma I hate to go to the hospital so I decided that I could heal it myself. So I bought a brace and epsom salts and hobbled around for a month. I finally went to the hospital on this past Friday and they X-rayed and told me that I had torn a ligament that was healing but slowly because it hadn't been treated and that there was a fracture.  So like I said I have just been sitting here stuck in my own head. Which by the way is not always a fun place to be.

Thank you for all the helpful suggestions. I love to write. Its cathartic for me. I find it very easy to write in this forum because there are no judgement's. I can come here and be as open as I want and can rant and rave and just release so its easy to write here. I have kept volumes of journals for years. I have found that I cannot reread what I have written because I am very hard on myself. Very critical (because of Mommie's criticism) I am very hard on myself and so its hard to read something I wrote when I was feeling down or hurt. I chastise myself for being to weak. I don't read my thread here. Even though I appreciate all the support I feel pathetic and pitiful for being in the same state. Even though I do have some good days. I just read the post from others and respond. I have even made a couple of connections with others here that I find comfort in and I hope that I am a comfort to them as well.

I hope that you are having a wonderful day. It's 75 degrees here in Kansas City and I am cooped up inside with an ugly shoe.


((((((Terry)))))) hugs for you and yours.

Rosalind

[Terry]

I'm doing better. Thanks for asking, Ros.

Have appointments this afternoon but I'll be back on tonight!!

((((((Ros))))))

Love,
Terry

[Terry]

How are you doing, Ros?

Thinking of you!

Love,
Terry

[rozzie01]

I haven't been here for awhile.  Thought that I had gotten a grip on myself and things were looking better. Then last week I started to slide backwards. Descending helplessly into the darkness again. But this time I thought I could fix it. I knew instinctively what it was. The month of May is a big celebration month for my family. And of course there was Mother's day and Memorial day. So I told myself every single day that it was going to be okay. That at least this time I was aware of what was happening. We have 5 children all born in May and so I would immerse myself in birthdays and not dwell on losses. But it didn't work out that way. Instead of celebrating anyone or anything I fell deeper and deeper. As I write this now I sit in my room with the door locked. My children are in my home. The one true light of my existence is downstairs. My beautiful 2 year old grand daughter who believes that Nana is the cat's meow. But I can't face them. Because facing them is not what I want to do. I want to be with my Mommie at Sunday morning service. (I have not been able to set foot back in her church since her homegoing service). I want to be at Sunday Brunch at the Top of The Crown. Our favorite Mother's day tradition. I want to sit with her and watch the parade of children, grandchildren and even a few great grandchildren make their way through the door throughout the day. I want to hear her laugh and even complain about the quality of her gifts. I want to sit on the porch with her as she bosses her grandchildren around her garden. But none of that is gonna happen and so I don't want to leave this room. I don't want to look into their disappointed and pained faces because their grandmom is not here. She was the the foundation and we are crumbling without her. I try to bring it together. But those shoes I cannot fill. She was a dynamic force and I am not that. I can't offer them what she did and they miss her so much.

I understand their pain and their loss. I live it every single day. My physical and emotional being ache. My health is deteriorating. I feel helpless to do anything. I read somewhere that you can literally grieve to death. This is not what I am trying to do but I feel like its happening to me anyway. I am going to my physician and he assures me that I am not as physically ill as I believe myself to be. So mentally I am dying. I know it. I'm even prepared for it. I look at my grandbaby and I try every single day to do something with her that will brand me into her young memory. I take her for long walks. I sing with her. I teach her french and she loves it. But I want to leave her with something, anything that she will be able to remember or be told that you learned that from your Nana. It's all I have left to give. I am dying and I really don't care anymore.

[Terry]

Oh Ros....I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. I was on the board yesterday, but early and didn't see your message until now. If you ever need to talk, send me a private message and my phone will beep and I'll get right back with you. It breaks my heart that you were alone yesterday with these feelings.

You're right about grieving and getting very sick. Our immune systems take a beating and the reason we have to be so careful when grieving. Have you seen your family doctor? Maybe there is something they can suggest that may help a bit?

There is nothing easy about living again after our loved ones die. It's a struggle and sometimes, for many years. Please know I am here for you and I wish I could do more than just listen but I truly understand our will being so badly bruised that we're lost as to what our meaning is in this world.

It helps to post a lot....whatever you're feeling. This is a place where you can do that, day or night. It's what these boards are for.

((((((((((((Ros))))))))))))

Always here for you, with love & understanding,
Terry

[rozzie01]

Hi,
I just needed to check in. Been spinning like a hamster in a wheel. I go and go but I don't gain any ground. Same thing everyday and everyday the same thing. I am not only grieving my Mommie I am grieving myself. I am a shell.  I am not anything like I used to be. I used to be fun and lively. I traveled and shopped. I don't do any of that now. My favorite thing used to be going to Wal-Mart with Mommie. I despise the place now. I want myself back. But I don't know how to be that without Mommie. I would always consult Mommie about everything. I seldom made a move without talking to her and getting her advice or opinion. So now when I go to do things I feel absolutely lost. She was my rock. It is so sad that I was so dependent on her as an adult. But I was. She built me that way. I know that she enjoyed being in control of everything and everyone and it was the worst taboo to go against her or stand up to her. So in order to be close to her I went along with it. I don't think that either of us ever thought forward to the day when she wouldn't be around and how that would affect me or the rest of the family.

I am a capable human. I had a great career, raised my children and existed quite well. I lived separate from her but not one day passed when we didn't speak. I imagine that this would be what a person feels when they lose a spouse. WHen you are in a co-dependent relationship and you lose the other half it is so damn traumatic. I didn't even have this kind of pain when I got divorced. I want out of this hole. I am in therapy but I am not very good at it. My therapist is trying hard to tell me and guide me into the world of the living again. The problem with that is that it is going against everything in my nature to do. She wants me to be the person that we both know that I can be but because I have been living this way for so long I have to learn to love a different way. I have to be reprogrammed. Pray for me.

[Doug1222]

I will.

((((((((((Ros)))))))))))

[browneyedgirl]

((((rozzie)))

[Terry]

You have my prayers, Ros and always, my love and support.

(((((((((Ros)))))))))

Love,
Terry