Author Topic: back to the begining  (Read 10517 times)

browneyedgirl

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #15 on: October 19, 2011, 11:01:07 AM »

Browneyedgirl, thank you for the hugs.  As silly as it seems...it is nice.  (tears.)

Not silly at all.....truth be told, I do not pretend to have the words to ease all the pain I see here.....but I think it's beautiful how much all of you are supporting each other. 

Lots of love to all. 
Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

jasonkl

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #16 on: October 19, 2011, 11:42:44 AM »
Made it thru the morning. Feeling alittle better now, think I'm out of tears.

  From the stories people share in the counseling sessions, the pain is still with you 1,2, 5, 10,  years and years later...I guess it never goes away.  The thought of living with this pain, on and on, is daunting.  I am falling back on an old Alcoholics Anonymous saying, "One day at a time."

I don't think I can handle 5 or more years of this. By then my kids will be done collage and looking to start out on their own and I will truely be alone. But that is too far in the future. right now I have to take it on a minute at a time.

browneyedgirl thank you for the hug needed one today.

browneyedgirl

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #17 on: October 19, 2011, 12:46:46 PM »
One minute at a time, like you said, Jason. 
Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

johnkmurray

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #18 on: October 19, 2011, 01:22:37 PM »
Today is the 2 month mark. The pain,emptyness, lonelyness, hopelessness, it all back harder than I ever imagined. Its like reliving the whole day all over again. Some how I had convinced myself today would pass with out crying.

Jason,

I wish I could assure you that this won't happen again but I'd be lying. Some days the pain floods back like it all happened yesterday. What I can promise, based on my own experience, is that it will happen less frequently and usually with less severity with the passage of time. At the 18 month mark my bad days are fewer and farther between. I'm better able to talk about Kit without choking up, or breaking into tears.

John

arthur

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #19 on: October 19, 2011, 08:04:32 PM »
Hi Jason..I just read about your current family situation and you havving to be the legal guardian of a child tha isn't even your own, all while you are grieving over your wife. Man. Hang in there Jason. You got alot of extra stuff to deal with and I can just see you having to hold down your own grief while working and dealing with your family after only 2 months since your wifes death. One day at a time man. We're all here for you.
  It has been 6 months since Maureen died on 041411. The 6 month day of 101411 came and went without any unusual grief for me, but the grief still continued as usual.  The real bad days are starting to get more distance between them. I guess this is an improvement, but it is woefully small and slow though.
Pam I just have to do this for all the hugs and love..
((((((((((((Browneyedgirl)))))))))))))
you say so little about your own suffering yet you always are here to give to us. God Bless you Pam.
Take care all..gaberax why dont you post a seperate thread about yourself and how you're doing?-arthur

gaberax

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #20 on: October 19, 2011, 09:25:50 PM »
JohnKMurray and Arthur, it is reassuring to hear that, in time,  the period between the overwhelming bouts of grief grows larger and that the pain diminishes to a degee.  Thank you both for sharing that.  It is good to know. It is something to hold onto.  It gives me hope.  Thanks again.
« Last Edit: October 19, 2011, 09:27:36 PM by gaberax »

jasonkl

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #21 on: October 20, 2011, 05:05:25 AM »
arthur
Thats has always been me, my mom tell that every girlfriend or friend a brought home was always in some way emotionally damaged. She thought I use to seek these people out. I don't think she has ever realized that, I was emotionally damaged. Her and my father had an on again off again marage form when I was 6 until I was 11 then they finally called it quits. In that time frame they had 2 other childern. Every time they had another kid he would stay for a year or so then leave agian. My my youngest bother was severlly handcapped ( my he rest in peace, he passed away 12 years ago, complactions from his brain damage). My mom has never recoved from his death, she will not seek any help.

My wife always said I was the most selfless person she ever ment. Never getting anything for my self, she said I was preson you could can at 3 in the morning for a ride or just to talk and I would be there. I never bought anything for myself all my clolts her and my son bought for me.  When we were first engaged my mom oftered her $100,000  not to marry me(my mom never liked her, to this day she still doesn't). My wife refused, my mom asked why she wanted to marry me after all the hell I had put her though. Between the brake ups, the drugs, the suicide attemp, the 2 childern with another women. She told my mom that even with all that that when we were together I treated her like she was the most important preson in the world and she believed there was a good preson under all that self distrective behavior.

 The part I sturggle with the most through this greif  is taking care of myself, never was every good at it and she was always ther  to remind me that you can only give so much of yourself away that have to keep some for you. This is going to be my biggest hurttle.

 thank for listen and take care all hope you all have a good day to day we all deserve one
jason
« Last Edit: October 20, 2011, 08:03:35 PM by jasonkl »

arthur

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #22 on: October 25, 2011, 10:34:53 PM »
Jason..I am sorry I never responded to your post as it deserved to be responded to. I have no excuse other than my horrible attention span since my wife died. I never read your post until tonight. I am so sorry that you and your wife suffered so much in life from personal tragedy.  You have a big heart Jason and thats what really counts, as my wife used to say, despite what has happened in the past. What matters is the here and now, and as you said you yourself, you need to take good care of yourself for the sake of you son and your new charge, his girlfriend. Please know that despite the lateness of my post I hope you take good care of yourself  Jason, and take care of your family. -arthur

jasonkl

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #23 on: October 26, 2011, 06:06:49 AM »
arthur

Ther is no need to apologize, this horrible journey we are on make to the simplest things hard at times. To be honest if I didn't have all of this crazyness happening now I would probably be stuck in bed doing nothing but wasteing away.

My bother never had a chance to live a life he was born with the brain damage, doctors mistake. He suffered most of his life. he wasn't to servive the frist month. He was in icu when they turned the breathing machine off they though he would pass away. But he was a fighter and started to breath on his own. He was here with us for 16 years and it was a remimnder every day that you need to live your life the best you can because you never know what can happen. When he passed it, I hate to say but I was happy his sufering was over.

Your wife was very wise preson, you make to take care of yourself to.

jason

browneyedgirl

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #24 on: October 26, 2011, 12:52:56 PM »
((((jason)))

(((arthur))))

Lots of love, my friends. 
Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

jasonkl

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #25 on: October 27, 2011, 09:56:22 PM »
Today was horrible, I had to call my boss to tell him I was going to be late. I got hit with such a big greif wave this morning it was like reliving those first few days all over again I cryed for an hour and half this morning. I don't know what happened I was getting ready for work and all of the sudden I was just crying and feeling all that loss like it just happened. I don't know if it was because I didn't make it the cematery on tuesday like I normally do or it was all the running around and paper work I was doing the last few day to help my sons girlfreind.

Right now everything is so crazy. I get calls from 2 different case workers trying to get the social secuirty for her because her mom won't change her address on that, but did for her insurance. I have to fill out all this paper work and give it to pubic assistance so she can get what she needs.
My other kids were with me this week. With all this I trying to figure out how I'm going to pay my bills. I use to be able to take on all this and more but I lost all my support. She is gone, I need her now more than ever. I need her to help me work though the loss of her. I'm thinking maybe I took on to much. But what I'm I to do I can't just let this girl without a roof over her head.

I think everything is just getting to me now. This problem with my sons girlfriend. My money issues. The holidays coming up. I can't watch tv any more it just makes me cry. I can't play the x-box like I use to with the kids. I have lost all my old escapes, everything I use to do to take my mind off my problems for alittle while. I can't focus at work and now they are starting to get impatient with me. Telling me that I need to deal with it and move on. I would not wish this pain on anyone, but when someone says that I would love to be able to reach out and let them feel my pain just for a little bit. Maybe then they could understand even if its just for a second.

I had to rant for a little bit. thanks for listening

jason

ps: I did make it to the cematary tonite I got her 20 roses this time instead of my normal 12. Felt she deserved extra sence I was late this week.

gaberax

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #26 on: October 28, 2011, 06:17:57 AM »
Today was horrible, I had to call my boss to tell him I was going to be late. I got hit with such a big greif wave this morning it was like reliving those first few days all over again I cryed for an hour and half this morning....

Jasonkl,

Sorry to hear about the additional stressors (kids, Mother-in-law, money issues, work being unsympathetic, impending holidays, no one to help you) hitting you all at once.  Things are hard enough without all the other stuff.  You have a mighty load on your back right now.  I can offer no advice that would be worth squat.

All I can say is that I am keeping up with you, praying for you and hoping that you get through this a stronger man.  God bless you, buddy.

Bob

jasonkl

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #27 on: October 28, 2011, 07:40:31 PM »
Gaberax thank you for trying to give advise, honestly just knowing that someone is listening is more than enough.

Jen use to tell me that I try to hard to do everything myself and that I need to learn to ask for help. As you can tell still not to good at asking for help. Most of my life I was able to push most of my feelings aside and deal with what ever was put on my plate, but this is so different. I can't run from it, hide from it, numb it, or any other healthy or unhealthy way to process this pain. Every where I look and everything I do just reminds me that she is not here.

I do feel better today, I think because I missed my normal visit, it was just eatting at me. It has become routine for me to bring her fresh flowers every week, I didn't realise how important it had become for me to go every week. I won't be trying to skip that again.

Thanks for listening

gaberax

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #28 on: October 28, 2011, 08:40:40 PM »
I stop by with fresh flowers every week for Denise. I talk to her and cry and invite her to visit me in my dreams. I swear your posts reflect how I am feeling...what I thinking.  I am with you in spirit.  I am suffering here as you are suffering there and I honestly know how you feel.  I had thought I was doing pretty good this week then  broke out into a "Why her, why now, what was the purpose of taking her?" attack.  It wears me down.

I hope you have a better weekend.  ;)

jasonkl

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #29 on: October 29, 2011, 04:37:41 AM »
I have meet so many wonderful people through this horrible experance. It makes my soul ach to know that the only reason we have meet is because a loss that that has ripped at our hearts and turn or lives into unmanagable messes.

I found out that there is snow in the forcast here, I live just outside philiadelphia,pa we usaully don't see snow until december. That first snow fall is going to rip my heart out. Jen loved the snow. No matter how much pain she was in she would always find a way to get her self outside to play in. Last year she went outside in the snow made a snowball and put it in the freezer. She  told me it was for when she was able to walk again she was going to get me with it. Now the snow is just going to be another thing that will make me cry. Hell the though of snow it self is making me cry.