Author Topic: back to the begining  (Read 10518 times)

jasonkl

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back to the begining
« on: October 16, 2011, 05:18:10 AM »
I though I was doing ok. Only crying here and there, got myself to work at work instead of just being there and going through the motions. This group and the others was/is helping. I though I was learning to live with this pain.

Took my son and his girlfreind to visit Jens grave, they asked to go, then went to see her parents, Her moms 77 birthday was yesterday. Was feeling alillte down after that always do. Ussallly only go once a week by myself, but the kids wanted to go. Then to the football game. My oldest had to quit his knee hasn't healed all the way. My youngest is still playing. Seeing couples ussally doen't bother me yersterday it did alot. At the game kept thinking if I could only go back and change things I would be in alll this pain now. If I would did more in high school instead of working after school. We would have never meet and maybe I wouldn't have to feel like I do now. It was a hard long game.

I made it through all that with only a few crying spells and did my best no to dwell on those feelings and they pasted. But this morning I woke from a dream of her. All I rember from the dream is we were in bed holding each other, I kissed her and told her I love her. Then I woke up. As I woke up I looked for her in bed, only to realize that she isn't ther because I sleep on her side of the bed now because she passed away leaning to the side I use to sleep on. And I can't lay there any more. All of the sudden I was feeling all of the pain and loss I was feeling in those first days. I know that it been only 2 months, and maybe I was over confendent that is was moving forward, but time doesn't stop for us to recover it just keeps moving. I have 4 teenage kids that need me to try and work through this.


I do feel alittle better writing this out . thanks for listening

jason

gaberax

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2011, 07:44:53 AM »
Jason,  be prepared that things will be like this...raw for at least the first year, probably longer, from what I hear.   I, too, think sometimes that I am doing ok...then something has  me crashing back and I am at square one with all of the pain.  Yesterday was the three month anniversary of Denise's death.  Just three months yet sometimes it seems so much longer and sometimes it seems like yesterday. 

I carved a small pumpkin last night and will be placing it on her grave today.  I lay in bed for an hour this morning and meditated and begged for a sign...a visit from her in a dream....something...anything.  I envy people who have dreams like that.  All of my dreams, when I remember them, are mundane.  And Denise is never in them.

Today is Sunday, always a bad day for me.  One of my daughters is hanging out with me today and I am glad.

Keep doing the next thing, my friend.  I am just going to keep on keeping on...doing whatever helps me get through this day. 

You will be in my thoughts and prayers, my friend.

Terry

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2011, 01:35:17 PM »

((((Jason)))) ((((Bob))))

 Love to you, both!

arthur

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2011, 04:25:56 PM »
Hi Jason..man I know what you mean.  I actually had a good day yesterday. I knew it wouldn't last..but I thought the grief wouldn't come back so fast. It all came crashing down in church today. I was in the lobby of the church trying to find the sponsors of a charity event going on the church..it was crowded. And I felt a little hand slip into mine. I looked down and this little girl was smiling at me. I tried to take my hand away because her mother/grandmother had the girls other hand but wasn't paying attention to her.But the little girl kept trying to grab my hand. I refused to let her and I smiled and waved at her. As I left the church the grief came back like a ton of bricks. I was sobbing by the time I came home..I couldn't forget the little girl's hand in mine. I don't know why this little girls' grabbing my hand would trigger my grief so bad, but it sure did. I can't seem to control the grief today. I have to go out for a walk. Hopefully that will help.
take care Jason. arthur

oneangel

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2011, 08:00:06 PM »
jasonkl, I feel the same way about seeing couples. Elderly couples are especially difficult because it is something my husband an I always looked forward to, growing old and grey together. As I approach the second year of his passing, I find that I don't cry as often but when I do get emotional, it's more difficult to control, these spells aremore intense than before. I guess only time will tell how we will continue to deal with our continued grief. Hoping tomorrow is a better day for you.

jasonkl

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2011, 08:42:29 PM »
Thank you all for sharing with me. Thankfully I was very busy at work, was able to keep my mind off the dream and the pain. Starting to get good at pushing the pain aside so I can function for the day. Not sure if thats good or bad yet, becuase once I'm alone at night after I've done everything I can do to keep myself busy. I crash and All that pain I've been avoiding all day comes back hard. I geuss we do what we have to to surive.

Gaberax like you  I ussaully don't rember my dreams. To be total honest with the pain that came back this morning I think I would have rather not rembered this one either. To see and hold her I would give anything, but right after I would rather die  than go through the pain of losing her again.

Terry thank for hugs and love. ((Terry)) here is some back, you give so much away. Try to keep some for yourself.

Auther I think I would have jumped  out of my skin if a felt a hand grab mine.  My wife was only one who would ever grabed my hand. She want to let whole world know I was hers. I hope your walk help you through your hard time.

Oneangel  My jen allways told me I would out live her, she said she was to sick all the time. I use to tell her she was just getting it over with now so we could enjoy are golden years together. Now I can't wait for the day I see her again so she can tell me I told you so. She always love to rub it in when she was right.

johnkmurray

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2011, 09:03:36 PM »
Jason,

Pushing the pain aside so you can do what needs doing is a perfectly good coping strategy in my opinion, as long as you are letting yourself deal with it later. I prefer to face the pain by myself rather than burden friends with it. It sounds like you are dealing with it at a time more of your choosing, like when you are away from other people. If you feel more comfortable dealing with the pain that way then go for it. Just be sure that you do let yourself deal with the grief and not try to run from it.

John

jasonkl

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2011, 09:18:22 PM »
John

I have to admit I tryed the running away from the pain, It didn't work. Tryed the numbing the pain thing too, wasn't enough alcohol in the world to numb this pain. So now I beleive I have no choice but to deal with it. I just thank god I have the power now to do it when I'm alone at night.

Thank you for the advice.

jason

arthur

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #8 on: October 17, 2011, 08:34:52 PM »
Jason..I read what you said about having to push aside the pain to get things done, and then grieving after you get home and get some rest. I just had to respond to you because I have to do this everyday to work my job while I am grieving. I push the grief aside while working then grieve in my car on the way home or when I get home. Most of the time I can do it..sometimes I really struggle.  One effect of suppressing the grief though has been mental exhaustion while I am still at work. I've been involuntarily taking catnaps at my desk between calls..on bad days I drift off while the tech is still on the line. One thing I am sick of though is having to tell people I am good when I feel like the opposite becasue I it won't do anygood by letting them know I am on the brink of falling apart.  I wonder if a casual inquiry to how I am doing shouldn't be met with a "not so good" or something like that. Oh well.  I hope you can get the pain out somehow Jason.  Take care of yourself, arthur

jasonkl

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #9 on: October 17, 2011, 09:10:32 PM »
Arthur

One thing I am sick of though is having to tell people I am good when I feel like the opposite becasue I it won't do anygood by letting them know I am on the brink of falling apart.  I wonder if a casual inquiry to how I am doing shouldn't be met with a "not so good" or something like that.
I feel the same way. And after the first few weeks of being back at work, I got so sick of people asking if I was ok( I know they could see I wasn't) I just started asked them if they wanted the truth of did they want to lie to them again. After the first couple people everyone stop asking.(I was having a really bad day that day). Now they just don't ask anymore. It wasn't the best way to handle it but it worked. I know they don't understand what I'm going through, but they are trying to let me work through it. So far everyone I work with has just let it blow over. I just hope it stays that way.

jason

gaberax

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #10 on: October 18, 2011, 05:37:02 AM »
I hate to admit it but I lost it in one meeting a few weeks after coming back to work.   People were still filtering into the meeting and one lady, who had been asking me repeatedly "How ya doing?" with this high, bright voice, a false smile plastered on her face, and the compulsion to touch me, came up behind me, putting her arms around my shoulders (I didn't want anyone outside my family touching me) and asked yet again in a bright, chipper voice.  Up to that point I had just been responding with, "I'm fine, thanks."  But she caught me on a bad day.  I just said, softly, " I'm f*cking peachy, how do you think I feel?"  She backed off and the room got quiet.  I regretted it afterwards.  I thought I might hear something about it from my supervisor...someone complaining about the language.  But I never did.  And she does not approach me anymore.  Which, honestly, is good.

johnkmurray

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #11 on: October 18, 2011, 06:08:34 AM »
Before losing Kit my response to the "How are you" questions was usually a cheery "I'm good, thanks. And you?" Since then the best I can honestly muster up is "I'm ok". Most people don't catch the distinction and are just using the question as a polite greeting anyway. Close friends are genuinely interested in the answer and understand the distinction ... and are aware that "ok" is as good as it gets most days.

To my mind I don't have to tell people I'm good when I'm not. If they actually care about my answer they deserve honesty and if they are just asking as a form of greeting it really doesn't matter how I respond as long as I ask the same of them.

John

jasonkl

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #12 on: October 19, 2011, 07:44:27 AM »
Today is the 2 month mark. The pain,emptyness, lonelyness, hopelessness, it all back harder than I ever imagined. Its like reliving the whole day all over again. Some how I had convinced myself today would pass with out crying. I went to her grave yesterday and for the first time I didn't cry. I'm assumming I was numb.

 I was forced to deal with other problems yesterday. My sons girlfreind( who now lives with us because her mom throw her out 2 weeks ago), her mom drop her off of their insurance. I spent the day calling social workers, her school, and wellfare office. The poor girl is now coincider homeless by the state. The upside to this is she now longer needs her mother for anything, she can now sign for her own medical and I'm now her temperary legal graudian. She turn 18 in 5 months
 
thank you for listening
jason

browneyedgirl

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #13 on: October 19, 2011, 08:42:45 AM »
(((jason)))

(((arthur)))

(((johnk)))

(((Bob)))

(((Angela)))
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

gaberax

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Re: back to the begining
« Reply #14 on: October 19, 2011, 10:33:28 AM »
Jason,  I just hit the 3 month mark on the 15th.  I think I have cried every day since.  Made it through my first grief counseling group without crying last week.  From the stories people share in the counseling sessions, the pain is still with you 1,2, 5, 10,  years and years later...I guess it never goes away.  The thought of living with this pain, on and on, is daunting.  I am falling back on an old Alcoholics Anonymous saying, "One day at a time."

Browneyedgirl, thank you for the hugs.  As silly as it seems...it is nice.  (tears.)