Wedding Ring

[johnkmurray]

This topic is sparked by something that happened the other day. I was on my way to a date, my first since losing Kit last year, and as I was driving to the restaurant I realised that I was still wearing my wedding ring. I took it off and put it in my pocket. No problem ... after all it has been 18 months, high time I got back into circulation, right? The date went well and if no fireworks exploded in the sky at least I got to spend an enjoyable time with a pretty lady and in the process got to know a new friend better. All in all - good first time out in my book.

It was what happened afterwards that is causing me to post this. I walked my date to her car, saw her on her way, got in my car and started back home. I stopped for gas and while at the filling station remembered I had taken off my ring. Suddenly I found myself feeling very uncomfortable without it and immediately put it back on. I should be ready to take it off. I thought I was. Now it is back on my finger like a security blanket. I know that some widows/widowers continue to wear their rings. My own mother wore hers after my father died until her own passing over ten years later. I think my mother-in-law still wears hers. Still, I thought I was ready to stop wearing mine and the urgency with which I put it back on surprised me. In our 17 years of marriage I never once strayed, never cheated on my wife, but at that moment with my wedding ring in my pocket and having just been out with 'another woman' I felt like a cheating husband caught in the act. What gives??

For those of you who have gone through this, how long did it take to feel comfortable without the wedding ring, if ever? If you DID stop wearing it, what did you do with yours?

Thanks,
John

[AC Mom]

Hi John.

A lot of people just move it to the other hand.  My Mom lived 19 years after my Dad died.  She moved the wedding ring she had worn for 30 years to her right hand about a year after my Dad died.  She put it back on her left hand when she decided to let her cancer take its course.

When my son died, his fiancee after a few months moved her engagement ring to her right hand. 

I have dated men that have had a wife die and a few of them still had their wedding ring on, it did not bother me.  I can see where it might bother some if that ring is still on the left hand.  But, my personal opinion is, if its worn on the right hand and women have a problem with it, then you need to look elsewhere.  (unsolicated advice, just my opinion).

You have to do what ever is comfortable for you.  And obviously putting it in your pocket was not comfortable for you.

Love and Hugs
Peggy

[Donna B.]

Hi John, after a year I wore my wedding ring on my right hand. After that when I started dating I took it off and keep it in a special place with my busbands wedding ring. It is up to you what you do. When you feel it is time to take it off you will, if not than wear it forever.

So sorry for your loss, (((hugs)))

Donna

[browneyedgirl]

((((John))))

I don't have any advise on the ring...as I am not married (shocker, I know!  Ha! ), nor have I lost my mate, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing about your date, and I am glad that it went well.......

Lots of love,
Pam

[johnkmurray]

Donna and Peggy - Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I hadn't thought about wearing it on the right hand. Feels a little odd at first but I'll see how it goes. I guess I just wasn't ready to go 'cold turkey'.

Pam - I'm truly shocked that a classy gal like you has remained single. ;-)  Yeah, I survived the date, although I was somewhat surprised at how nervous I was. Not glass-dropping, knees-knocking nervous, but a little nervous nonetheless. I guess those skills are kinda rusty!

John

[arthur]

Hi Johnk..I have a few thoughts about the ring since I took mine off.  As far as I see it..its all a personal thing whether you wear it or not. It really doesn't matter alot in the long run. If it comforts you go ahead and wear it. As for me..I felt like I came to a point that wearing it became a distraction, as the ring began to represent something I no longer had. My beloved wife has died, with her death my committment to her is also gone, and the ring represented to me my marriage which no longer exists. I can't wear it anymore. My wife and my marriage to her has died, and I have to move on. But I still keep it in my truck or keep it in my pocket to remind myself that I was really once a happy man married to a wonderful woman.
     I think it is fantastic that you are dating. One day I hope to do so as well, as I would like to remarry. But I just can't now. The fact that you took the ring off during your date and put it back on afterwards tells me that you have nothing to worry about and the ring has no fix on you. i don't know about the guilt though..but since you were able to put the ring aside to go on a date I would think that the guilt reaction you had after the date ended is totally normal, as this was the first date you went on since your wife died. I am not as far along as you are so I can't say for sure. I just have to ask you though Johnk..since Maureen has died I have lost so much confidence in myself and anytime I run into a social situation where I am in a conversation with a woman my age, such as in my grief group,  I stutter, and lapse into uncomfortable silences where all I can think about is how good it feels to say nothing while the woman I am talking to gets really uncomfortable and wants to get away from me. I can't blame her, I know I am hard to talk to now, but I seem powerless to do anything about it.   Did you have to deal with this?  And if so how did you overcome it?  Take care JohnK, good to hear from you again, arthur

[johnkmurray]

Arthur,

I've been there since I started thinking in terms of getting back into circulation. It is new territory we're exploring here, this widower thing. For the first time in many years I'm considered 'eligible', a catch - widower, one previous owner, low mileage, still have some of my hair, all of my teeth, most of my marbles. Suddenly social situations are different it seems. Yes, I get nervous when I find myself talking with a woman who could be 'eligible'. Like on the date the other day. My date wasn't someone I'd just met, in fact she is someone from a new circle of friends who I asked out. Still, I felt more nervous than I'd anticipated. I guess I'll get used to it, assuming I continue to date. Since I have no plans to enter a monastery that's a pretty safe bet.

I don't feel like I'm cheating on Kit. She's been gone for over a year now and before she died she made a point of telling me she wanted me to move on, to date and even marry again assuming I found someone. So I don't feel like I'm somehow being unfaithful to her, I'm just nervous in social situations that involve interacting with women who could potentially become romantic partners. However, I've managed to ask a gal out on a date and spent a very pleasant period of time with her and managed not to stammer or fumble, so I guess am adapting.

John

[jasonkl]

I just want to say thank you. You give me hope that there may be life after this loss.

[browneyedgirl]

 

You're an inspriation......thank you for sharing....

[arthur]

Thanks for sharing JohnK. Sometimes I think I am ready to start dating and then the grief hits and then I know once again I am not. I guess I have to start working on the confidence thing again.  Its just hard to do while you're grieving. Your example gives the rest of us encouragement that there is light at the end of the tunnel. -arthur