Clayton's Birthday

[lionness955]

Hello, its been a while since I have been on here. I have not been doing so well. I think the last time I was on here was in June. At that time I was still trying to accept Clayton's death. As his birthday drew closer I slipped further in to a dark depression. It got to a point to where the pain and grief were just to much and I tried to take my own life. I tried to overdose by injecting several vials of insulin. Since I have a tendency to have low blood sugar I was found and saved. I admitted myself in to the hospital the next day to get help dealing with my grief and pain. While I was in there a young man the same age as my son was there. He had tried to take his life. I sat and talked to him for many hours. We both learned a lot from each other. I was out of the hosp on the day of Clayton's birthday and I was able to be sad and cry with out feeling the overwhelming pain. A strange twist one of the sites that I injected the insulin into developed a large red knot that later became very infected with staph. A few weeks later I spent 10 days in the hosp while the doctors tried to save the limb. The infection progressed quickly and was resistant at first. I never told them what caused it they just assumed it was a sore or bite that got infected. I did not correct them as I was ashamed and did not want any one to know.
I am still trying to deal with all the anger I have towards my family for not attending his funeral, at the moment they are not speaking to me. They are treating me as though I am the one who did something wrong. They do not know of my attempt to take my life, I do not think it would matter if they did.
I have been doing a lot of writing in my journal. I am able to say all the things I cannot say and be honest about my feelings without fear of others acting hurt over it. This morning my husbands uncle passed away and that has seemed to bring back a lot of pain. I did not know his uncle very well and I am dreading going to the funeral home again.
I have been trying to keep my mind occupied as best I can so that I do not get down again. Some days I feel like I can handle this and take it day by day. Other days I wake up and crawl back in to bed. Some people are telling me I should be over this by now and that makes me so mad. I told one of them that it took 20 years for me to watch him grow in to the man he was becoming so there is no way I can just "get over it" in a matter of months.
I took some of his favorite clothes and made a quilt with matching curtains and pillow covers. I am almost done with the quilt but now I find myself not wanting to finish it. I cannot explain it exactly but its like I just do not want to be done with it yet.
Its been 6 months since he passed away. I still google search his name, check is facebook and myspace pages hoping maybe he has logged in. Part of me does not want to let go. I feel like as his mom I have to hang on and I do not want to sat good bye.

I hope every one has been as well as possible in the past few months. It is good to be back here among friends that I can talk to.

Clayton's Mom

[Terry]

Hi! I was glad to see your post as I've been thinking about you. I didn't see you on the board on Clayton's Birthday in July but understand how very difficult that time was for you, especially after reading your message and knowing where you were on that day. I'm so sorry. It's so important to have support and I read where you're still not on speaking terms with your family. That's just heartbreaking.

I'm glad to hear that you're writing in your journal. It helps. Every little bit helps us get through the day.

Do only what you are able to without over extending and causing more pain that could overwhelm you right now, please. I'm sorry about your husband's uncle dying this morning and I understand your wanting to attend the services in support of your husband. I'm sure your husband will understand if you are not able to. Being held at the same funeral home as where Clayton was will be difficult, to say the least. Go if you feel up to it and if you don't, then don't! Especially after what you just went through being in the hospital weeks ago due to severe depression.

Other days I wake up and crawl back in to bed. Some people are telling me I should be over this by now and that makes me so mad. I told one of them that it took 20 years for me to watch him grow in to the man he was becoming so there is no way I can just "get over it" in a matter of months.

I used to spend a lot of time in bed, especially the first year or so. I believe sleep is a cure all for everything. It always helped me so don't feel bad about it. Do what you need to do for you.

And, God knows that you don't have to defend your pain, your grief to those telling you how long you should be grieving. These people have never lost a child and they don't have a clue as to what you are going through. It's hurtful but in time you will find who your true friends are. Try and surround yourself with those who can feel compassion and show that compassion to you.

What a lovely idea, taking Clayton's favorite clothes to make a quilt, curtains and pillow covers! You are very creative!! I know it will be beautiful when it's done. If you're not ready to finish it then put it aside and when you're ready, you will know.

It has only been 6 short months since your most precious baby Clayton has died and I can tell you at six months that I was still banging my head up against the garage door, trying to wake myself up. It is *very* hard to believe and *very* hard to accept. Please be patient with yourself and know that you are doing the very best you can. This is a very long journey with many ups and downs and know that I am always here for you.

Thanks for sharing how things have been going and please keep posting. It really does help, a lot! You are among friends here, among those who understand. I'm glad you feel comfortable here.

((((((((((Clayton's Momma))))))))

My Love,
Terry

[browneyedgirl]

((((Clayton's momma))))


Thank you for posting.....I am so sorry for all you have endured.  We are all here for you, and please know that we care so very much.  One day at a time, okay?

Lots of love and hugs your way!

[MARTHA(CANDI'S AUNT)]

I JUST READ YOUR POST. i'm so sorry for the loss of your son. & all that you've been through. my niece(CANDI-23) was killed MAY 13,2005. it's been 6 yrs. & i'm still not over it. & i never will be.
people use to tell me or rather say behind my back"she needs to get over it." try not to listen to those people. keep writing in your journal. that helps me still.
i'll keep you in my thought's & prayers.

MARTHA

[Barbara]

Hugs to you my friend...People who haven't lost a child just don't understand....so when they say it's time to get over it, it's because they don't understand...sometimes I do get furious with what people say and sometimes I think it's ok that they don't understand because that would mean another child gone...People can be so insensitive at times...Like you said day by day... I think we keep busy and try to find a new normal...like anything could ever be normal again...right? But we just do the best we can. I try to tell myself that Patrick (my eldest son who was taken from me 3 yrs ago) would want me to get as much out of life that I can...But we all have those days where we just can't function....6 months is so new and so fresh to this pain....be kind to yourself...Hugs to you

[LaVonne]

Thinking of you and Clayton.  LaVonne

[Terry]

I know you mentioned that you felt worse while on the anti-depressants, but have they prescribed anything for you? There's absolutely no reason to ever feel ashamed, as you shared. There is nothing wrong in needing help. We have all been there since the deaths of our children. Do you have a follow-up appointment since being treated in the hospital? The intense pain we can feel around their dates can do awful things to us. It can overwhelm us and even cause us to lose hope. Just ask anyone on this board. As Barb shared, be kind to yourself as your pain is still so new, raw and this is such a long journey.

I checked the link below that you posted for Clayton's pic and it is a broken link. If you decide you would like to post his picture, I would be happy to do it for you. We would love to see your baby!

Remember, you are not alone. You have us. And, if you begin to feel this way again, I want you to promise me that you will call me. I messaged you with my number. It doesn't matter what time it is....I don't ever want you to feel that alone and hopeless again.

Know you are loved,
Terry

[lionness955]

Yes I am on anti depressants now, they had to work with the dose a little bit at first. I do have follow up appts and I am keeping them. I am trying to communicate with my family about my feelings but that gets hard some times because I know they care but its like they just do not want to hear it. That is when I pull out the journal and let it all out good, bad and otherwise.
I still have a lot of anger inside of me that I am trying to let out. I am angry at my sons father for not calling me sooner. My baby laid in the hospital for 4+ hours, I could have went there to him. I may not have been able to do anything but I could have been there. I am still very angry at my family over not going to the funeral home or funeral home. I try to let that anger out but it seems to boil back up from time to time.
Thank you all for the support it feels so comforting to know that others know how I feel and to be able to confide them.

Thank you so much CLayton's Mom

[Terry]

It sounds like you're on the right track with your Meds and your appointments. I'm sorry about the situation with your family. The anger is something we all feel, just some to greater extents. It's hard to deal with. You have so much right now with Clayton's death and then lacking support just tacks an added burden on you that you really don't need.

Writing in your journal will help you. It helped me, a lot. I wish I could do more. Just know that I am always here for you. I'm glad you're posting again. You'll find a lot of support here.

Love,
Terry

[lionness955]

Thank you for the words of encouragement it means so much to me to be able to really say what I am feeling without people looking at me as if I am a lunatic or being over dramatic. I have come to learn that with most people when they ask I am doing with dealing with the grief the only answer they want to hear is "fine". If I say anything else I can see them looking for an out, someone to go take to or a reason to walk away.
I am trying very hard to keep myself on a schedule sort of. I am working on getting myself a routine that I can stick to. Since I do have OCD I need a routine. Since I cannot control the outside world I feel I must control my little world and space. Doing that has helped me get through days a little easier. The night schedule is being a little tougher. Some nights I do not sleep much so that leaves me awake and able to worry about senseless things. Are the doors locked, what am I going to fix for lunch/dinner, do I need to stay awake incase his alarm does not go off, what if someone calls with an emergency - silly things. I asked the dr to give me something to sleep. He first wanted to try something mild - as I am sitting here at 3:37am I can tell I need something a bit stronger.
I have also decided to return to college, I was in nursing school when I got pregnant with Clayton and since he kept trying to come early I had to quit and well as time went on I never went back. I think returning to school will give me something to do with my spare time. It will also help me get back out around people that are not my family. I love my family but I do not have to like them all the time - lol.

Thank you all for everything
Clayton's mom

[Terry]

Your baby Clayton is beautiful!! Thanks so much for posting his picture!

Returning to school sounds great but please don't rush into it until you're sure you're ready for that hectic schedule. The class room hours and study hours. It can be stressful. You may need some quiet time to yourself to be sure that the Meds are helping you and you're at least sleeping at night.

I wish you luck, whatever you decide and I'm glad to hear that you're working toward finding your way again after losing Clayton.

I understand regarding family: "We don't get to choose our family"! Although mine is great, they were also grieving and not much help. This site saved my life as I never had to explain my feelings here. They were always understood.

I hope you get some sleep tonight!

Love,
Terry

[lionness955]

I have given a lot of thought to the school thing. It was something that I had planned before Clayton passed away. It was something that I was looking forward to but kind of put out of my mind. I am finishing what I had been going to school for but had to quit because of pregnancy issues. I did think about that, I already know all of it I am just getting the degree for it. They said I could test out of some of the classes and my other credits will transfer but I think I might opt to not test out of the classes so that I can work my schedule to take a couple of the easy classes with one that would be harder so I can maintain a high GPA and get scholarships and grants rather than loans!! Like I said, I had planned this out about a year ago and was going to start this past spring but things changed. I am a type that needs a routine and going to school will help me find a new routine.
The meds are working really good - except for the sleep which can be fine tuned.
My family does not seem to be grieving and that to makes me angry. Clayton loved them, when he was 6 my sister made him a red power ranger outfit and from that moment on she was the be all end all. I know people grieve in their own way I just.. I don't know I don't understand. I have to stop trying to because I never will and the only thing that it gets me is more anger.
This site has done a lot for me. Even on the nights I do not post I read what others have and as much as I hate to see someone in the pain I am its comforting to know that I am not as alone as I feel. That as dark as it seems now there will be light again in time.

Thank You and ((((((((hugs))))))
Clayton's mommy

[Terry]

Missy,

Take advantage of the Pell and student loan changes in the last 3 years. Google, current news. There is a lot of good information out there. Years ago, it was 3 years working in the field of your degree before paying back a student loan. Now, in many cases it is 20 years under the current administration. Also, you are now eligible for a college credit write-off at tax time. Check and see if you are eligible. It couldn't hurt. In fact, I was able, under our new administration to receive 1500.00 as a caregiver for my Dad. I was elated because we have slipped through the cracks over the years. And, to top it off, I am now eligible for a salary for being a caregiver, as I am not able to leave my home to work. Minimum wage, which is close to nine dollars an hour now, and that's paid for 24 hours. Check with the different state laws.

Hope this helps a bit!

Yes, reading does help and yes, there 'is' light again. It's a lot of hard work getting to that place but we're all worth it. And, you're never alone. Always remember that.

My Love,
Terry

[browneyedgirl]

(((Clayton's momma))))

Wondering how you are doing.

[lionness955]

Things have been a little rough lately. Jamey's uncle passed away a month or so ago. The day after his funeral his mamaw had another heart attack and we had to take her to the hosp. When she got home she was having a lot of trouble breathing and things just seem to be going down hill for her. Then we found out her home oxygen machine was only working at 20% so that was why her oxygen lvl was staying so low. She is now back in the hosp. and has been for well over a week, she is in CCU they have told us she will be there at the least a month and that she will not go home for a while she will need to go to rehab. They at first could not figure out the problem, checked for blood clots in her lungs but they said there were none. Her Dr is great, he sat down with us and her chart one day going over everything as if we were his family. While doing that he found a major clerical error, turns out she DID in fact have blood clots in her lungs but someone made a typo.
I completely flipped over that, I had been staying with her at night and would not sleep because her oxygen would often drop to 60 and would take some time to go back up. I was afraid to sleep. I did not blame the nurses, they have been great it is not their fault. I was angry because she could have died over a typo and I think some of the anger from Clayton's death came out as well. I know people make mistakes, I do all the time but I could not help but to get angry. I had to leave the hosp for a while to calm down I felt so much anger and rage it even scared me. I was not ranting or having a tantrum but I could feel the rage pulsating in my veins.

I know I need to find a way to let go of some of this anger. I mentioned to my spouse that we might use firewood this winter and I will chop all the wood. That would be a good release.

I am getting everything in order to start in to school but I might postpone that. We are thinking that Mamaw should not live alone when she gets out of the hosp so if needed I will stay with her. Even though she is my husbands grandmother I feel like she is my own. I never knew my grandparents when I was growing up and always dreamed what it would be like to have grandma come get and spend the weekend with her and all that stuff. She is very much in to crafts and sewing like I am, none of her daughters are. So to her I am the daughter she always wanted to sit and sew or talk crafty stuff to and she is the Mamaw I always wanted. I do not look at caring for her as something I have to do but I want to and do not mind being there. I pack up my laptop and something to draw, sew just a project and i sit there with her from 6pm-9am. I still do not sleep while I am there, since I prone to be a night owl it does not bother me. Sometimes I get mad at his family when they act like being there with her is a chore or they act like they do not want to, I do not say anything its not worth it. I did have a little spat with my husband over it. Its an hour drive to get to the hosp, life in a small rural area ehh! SO he was complaining about the gas, I told him real quick that I never wanted to hear him say that ever again. I told him my feelings and now he understands and knows this is something i need to do.

Part of me does feel like since Clayton passed so quickly I was not able to care for him like this and in some way this makes up for it.

Thank you everyone for all the support
Missy