Author Topic: Question for parents who have lost a child....  (Read 3867 times)

BluegrassBelle

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Question for parents who have lost a child....
« on: August 10, 2011, 05:43:19 PM »
I wanted to come here to ask some advice on dealing with the death of my brother and more specifically dealing with my parent's emotions from the death. He was just 24 years old when he had an accidental overdose almost 2 years ago, a month before Christmas. As you all know my parents were absolutely devastated. My Dad, who has lost multiple close family members over the last 20 years, tends to deal with his grief quietly and just kind of tucks it away where we can't see it. I understand it and know his lack of emotion is not a lack of grieving but his way of dealing with it. My Mom on the other hand is very openly emotional about it (she was the one who found my brother the next morning) and tends to talk about things with my brother more.

My question is, as a daughter, what is your advice for how to handle my parent's grief? What are ways you wanted to be treated? There are times I feel like I don't know how to react to their very different ways of handling their grief and while I know everyone is different I thought maybe I could get some help.

I know things will never be the same again, but I desperately need some kind of normalcy. At times I feel like I've lost my parents along with my brother and I don't know how to tell them that without coming off as I'm selfish for wanting some kind of normalcy.

LaVonne

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Re: Question for parents who have lost a child....
« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2011, 07:44:39 PM »
I really do not know the answer to this. I do know that when my son died my only surviving son took it hard as we all did. I started to give up and did not want to do anything. One day my son told me that no matter what I could never bring back Jae,but he was still here and needed us. He said he felt like he did not exist because all we talked about was Jae. I did not know He was being pushed away but needed him to tell me. I then realized I needed to live for the living and morn my son in quiet and by myself. My living son needed us and We would be there for him. I still talk of my son and love him but I also make sure my son here knows how much we love him. For us we just needed to have our son tell us how he felt. Our children will never be forgotten but we need to live for us and we need to go on with living whether we want to or not. hope it works for you and maybe you can just talk with your mom and let her know how you feel. I never was good with putting words on paper.  hugs  Lavonne

SarahW

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Re: Question for parents who have lost a child....
« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2011, 08:18:40 PM »
I wanted to come here to ask some advice on dealing with the death of my brother and more specifically dealing with my parent's emotions from the death. He was just 24 years old when he had an accidental overdose almost 2 years ago, a month before Christmas. As you all know my parents were absolutely devastated. My Dad, who has lost multiple close family members over the last 20 years, tends to deal with his grief quietly and just kind of tucks it away where we can't see it. I understand it and know his lack of emotion is not a lack of grieving but his way of dealing with it. My Mom on the other hand is very openly emotional about it (she was the one who found my brother the next morning) and tends to talk about things with my brother more.

My question is, as a daughter, what is your advice for how to handle my parent's grief? What are ways you wanted to be treated? There are times I feel like I don't know how to react to their very different ways of handling their grief and while I know everyone is different I thought maybe I could get some help.

I know things will never be the same again, but I desperately need some kind of normalcy. At times I feel like I've lost my parents along with my brother and I don't know how to tell them that without coming off as I'm selfish for wanting some kind of normalcy.

Hi, Belle.  It's very good of you to seek out help and want to figure out the right thing to do for your parents, when your own grief must be quite a lot to deal with on its own.

Your parents need what any one who is grieving a horrible, traumatic loss needs:  unconditional love, and time.  How much time will vary.  And there's nothing wrong with letting your parents know how much you miss the closer, happier times you used to have - maybe it will help them (as it did LaVonne) realize how much you are hurting, and how much they are missing, too.

But in the meantime, don't hesitate to take care of YOU.  What kind of activities would help you get back to a sense of normalcy?  What makes you happy and keeps you busy and gives you a sense of fulfillment?  Do you have someone to talk to - a friend, a professional counselor, a minister or priest?  Do things to meet your need to define and achieve a new normal.

You are a wonderful daughter to be trying to figure this out by asking those who have walked in their shoes.  I can tell you this:  It was 2yrs in July since I lost my son, and it is still so fresh and raw that just typing that brought tears to my eyes.  Two years feels like very little time to a parent.

When a tragedy like the one you describe strikes, it hurts the immediate family horribly, and everyone must find their way back to the light.  There are so many consequences besides just the loss itself.  You've found that not only have you lost a brother, but you've lost the parents you used to have, and you don't know if you will ever get them back.

This is a terrible situation to have to contend with, and I am so sorry that you have to contend with it.  But from your letter, I suspect you have what it takes, to build your new and brotherless (and to some extent, for now anyhow, parentless) world.  I know you don't want to, I know you would give anything if you didn't have to, but you do have to.  And you can.

I'm guessing that your parents will begin to come around, and you will all find that new normal together.  But whatever happens, I wish you all the best in your journey,

SaraW
I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. -- Emily Dickinson

You were a gift

nancy/Patricks mom

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Re: Question for parents who have lost a child....
« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2011, 12:43:58 AM »
hello belle
i can tell you that losing a child is different from anything else losing a sibling a parent or spouse i to lost my son to a drug problem 3 years ago at the age of 20 i like to talk about it a lot my husband does not if your mom uses the internet i would suggest to her to join this site there is also site for losing one to drugs Grasp and broken no more are two i also just found  another site called grieving mothers but being able to vent on these sites has helped more than anything she might want to keep a journal of her thoughts  and just let your dad know you are there if he wants to talk
NANCY/JOHNATHAN PATRICKS MOM/3-31-87 - 12-08-07

browneyedgirl

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Re: Question for parents who have lost a child....
« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2011, 09:13:30 AM »
I just wanted to thank all that have responded so far.  

(((All moms and Dads)))

I posted this very same question in this forum 2 years ago, and the responses helped a lot.

Lots of love to all.
« Last Edit: August 11, 2011, 01:39:59 PM by browneyedgirl »
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Terry

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Re: Question for parents who have lost a child....
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2011, 10:02:22 AM »
Hi BluegrassBelle,

I'm sorry for what you're having to deal with. I know it's difficult. You've received valuable advice from those who have been there and some will share that are 'still there.'

I have a few friends who over the last couple of years have lost their children and they have surviving children who are suffering. I encouraged them to post here but they won't even share of their own feelings. They are still in so much pain. So, I remain a shoulder right now. My heart cries for all in pain and I understand that 'helpless' feeling but just being there seems to be the greatest support, at times.

Please keep us updated as we care here. And, you take care of yourself, too! If there is anything we can do for you, to ease your pain, confusion in any way, know that we are always here.

My Love,
Terry

browneyedgirl

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Re: Question for parents who have lost a child....
« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2011, 02:04:38 PM »
I just wanted to add something......

There have been many, many trials and tribulations since my brother's death for my mother.

I searched and searched and searched for "something" that I could do for her, and I kept asking, "what can I do, how can I help you" - and after about 2 years - she answered me and she said "There's nothing you can do, just listen". 

What I am getting at, is, a smile, an ear, a shoulder, a simple "I am here" can speak volumes. 
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

BluegrassBelle

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Re: Question for parents who have lost a child....
« Reply #7 on: August 21, 2011, 04:59:47 PM »
Thank you all for the responses and helping me see things from a parent's perspective.

Landons Mom Shelly

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Re: Question for parents who have lost a child....
« Reply #8 on: September 03, 2011, 08:59:21 PM »
Hello BluegrassBelle,

I can pretty much only re-state what others have said on this post...what has helped me the most after losing my 11 y/o son Landon is having others that will openly talk to me about him.  I want others to remember him, tell me stories about him, happy or sad...I want to remember & cherish each & every moment! This is from a mother's perspective, a father grieves differently...more inward & to themselves but you can possibly bring him out a bit by sharing your stories, your love for your brother, as well as the love he cherished for all of you.  Yes, it is indeed different for mother & father...but we're both grieving the loss of someone we cherished so deeply, for so many years.  I hope that this site and the posts given to you will help you & your family...it has been my saving grace.  Take care & God bless...

Landon's Mom forever,

Shelly



My Precious Little Landon -- Forever in our Hearts        http://landon-greenan.gonetoosoon.org
August 1, 1995 - June 1, 2007