I wanted to come here to ask some advice on dealing with the death of my brother and more specifically dealing with my parent's emotions from the death. He was just 24 years old when he had an accidental overdose almost 2 years ago, a month before Christmas. As you all know my parents were absolutely devastated. My Dad, who has lost multiple close family members over the last 20 years, tends to deal with his grief quietly and just kind of tucks it away where we can't see it. I understand it and know his lack of emotion is not a lack of grieving but his way of dealing with it. My Mom on the other hand is very openly emotional about it (she was the one who found my brother the next morning) and tends to talk about things with my brother more.
My question is, as a daughter, what is your advice for how to handle my parent's grief? What are ways you wanted to be treated? There are times I feel like I don't know how to react to their very different ways of handling their grief and while I know everyone is different I thought maybe I could get some help.
I know things will never be the same again, but I desperately need some kind of normalcy. At times I feel like I've lost my parents along with my brother and I don't know how to tell them that without coming off as I'm selfish for wanting some kind of normalcy.
Hi, Belle. It's very good of you to seek out help and want to figure out the right thing to do for your parents, when your own grief must be quite a lot to deal with on its own.
Your parents need what any one who is grieving a horrible, traumatic loss needs: unconditional love, and time. How much time will vary. And there's nothing wrong with letting your parents know how much you miss the closer, happier times you used to have - maybe it will help them (as it did LaVonne) realize how much you are hurting, and how much they are missing, too.
But in the meantime, don't hesitate to take care of YOU. What kind of activities would help you get back to a sense of normalcy? What makes you happy and keeps you busy and gives you a sense of fulfillment? Do you have someone to talk to - a friend, a professional counselor, a minister or priest? Do things to meet your need to define and achieve a new normal.
You are a wonderful daughter to be trying to figure this out by asking those who have walked in their shoes. I can tell you this: It was 2yrs in July since I lost my son, and it is still so fresh and raw that just typing that brought tears to my eyes. Two years feels like very little time to a parent.
When a tragedy like the one you describe strikes, it hurts the immediate family horribly, and everyone must find their way back to the light. There are so many consequences besides just the loss itself. You've found that not only have you lost a brother, but you've lost the parents you used to have, and you don't know if you will ever get them back.
This is a terrible situation to have to contend with, and I am so sorry that you have to contend with it. But from your letter, I suspect you have what it takes, to build your new and brotherless (and to some extent, for now anyhow, parentless) world. I know you don't want to, I know you would give anything if you didn't have to, but you do have to. And you can.
I'm guessing that your parents will begin to come around, and you will all find that new normal together. But whatever happens, I wish you all the best in your journey,
SaraW