Author Topic: All the Rest Is Shadow  (Read 4544 times)

helene

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All the Rest Is Shadow
« on: August 10, 2011, 08:17:01 AM »
They say that after you die your entire life flashes before you.
Every moment. Every detail. You can see everything.

Being a person who can hardly see anything, especially from my early years,
I wonder just how much I really want to see after all.
To finally move, after what seems like an eternity,
Urged ever forward by Lesley's death into those murky areas of unknowing,
The 'shadow-land' of my own past: my childhood: the Hades of lost memories...
At last revealed: in all its myriad horrors. Lesley too. Yes: Lesley too was there...once.

Between each of these poems, exists millions of shadows: those unseen, dark areas,
Dust gathering in corners - a light suddenly turned off - the fog rolling in from a restless coastal sea...
One's own brain melting into the wall of sorrow while desperately trying to go to sleep at night,
When disturbing images appear in dreams only to fade into uneasy nothingness upon awakening.
Shadow-play: one's silhouette, Lesley's too, so fleeting and young as we both once were,
Back-lit, flittering quickly past the bright screen, seeing something moving out of the corner of one's eye:
The Cosmic 'I' who is blind: seeing nothing: Cyclop's giant EYE+, never closing yet seeing nothing.

And if I could climb that mountain and have that ultimate conversation with the Fool On The Hill....
What would it tell me in the end: about Lesley's death: about myself: about where to go from here???

The answer would probably be:

All the rest is shadow. All the rest is shadow.

And so the ultimate riddle that is life and death still eludes me. Probably always will.


Love,

Helene


Helene & Lesley

helene

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Re: All the Rest Is Shadow
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2011, 01:29:30 PM »
O = O


Helene & Lesley

Terry

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Re: All the Rest Is Shadow
« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2011, 07:54:35 PM »

Helene, There is still another world and another journey for us all, I believe. I have received many signs from that place and it is very much, a mystery.

Seven months after my oldest son died, I believe that I was brought there. I shared about it some time ago and searched for the post to share it again but couldn't seem to find it. I may have it saved somewhere and if I do, I will re-post it. It is a very detailed account of the experience of leaving one world to become a visitor in another.

And, although I have received many signs from loved ones over the years, nothing comes close to what I experienced and I doubt that anything ever will. But, I'll keep the light on. Just in case!

Keep the faith. Whatever that may be for you!

Holding you close to my heart, Helene.

Love,
Terry

helene

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Re: All the Rest Is Shadow
« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2011, 01:05:14 PM »
Thank you Terry - especially for sharing more of what you are going through after losing your eldest son.  I never had children so what do I know of the pain of being a parent and losing one's own child?! I don't. I would realy appreciate and be most grateful for any memories you are able to share about this experience you had seven months after the death of your eldest son. I believe you are truly blessed. You are so kind, you and Pam, to all of us here who are suffering, as you are, regarding the loss of our loved ones.

Lesley did not mean to hang around this earthly plain after her death because she suffered too much while on it. She was kind enough to bless me with her 'smell' (which I wrote about earlier... a musty, earthy, aminalistic, barn-like smell that I was already familiar with and so I knew it was HER....).

I am so very tired Terry. Honestly......I have to say it because I can't to anyone else but....I feel like dying myself. I am tired of being tired. Sometimes I am so envious of Lesley because she is free now and I am not. I am sick of this life where one is expected just to go on and on with a smiling face when all I often feel like doing is sleeping - which one is not allowed to do most of the time so I would rather die, thank you very much and I mean what I say!

Helene


Helene & Lesley

deebee

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Re: All the Rest Is Shadow
« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2011, 01:22:13 PM »
Stay w/ us here.  As bad as it feels and it can get, please dont leave.  I feel like doing the same --- my husband is going through some troubles at work, he is extremely unhappy, wants  to leave home.   I want to do whatever can make both of us happy.  we've been together for 32 years, and there is no way I want to give that up without a fight.
I miss my brother, I grieve for him.  I'm grieving for my troubled marriage.  I pray that it all works out.  dont know what I will do if it doesnt.    deebee

browneyedgirl

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Re: All the Rest Is Shadow
« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2011, 03:50:53 PM »
helene ~ I know the feeling of putting on a brave face when you don't want to.  It sucks, I am sorry to be so blunt, but it does.....tired of being tired, I know that feeling all too well......I am so sorry that your having a hard time right now.  Lots of love and hugs your way. 

deebee ~ You are in my thoughts, and I hope that things with your husband "plateau" out......we are here for you.

Lots of love to you both. 
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Terry

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Re: All the Rest Is Shadow
« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2011, 05:43:29 PM »
Helene,

I understand. Not how it feels to lose a sister, I understand the pain from loss. It's VERY tiring. The pain wears us down. And, why it's so important to stay as healthy as we can while grieving a great loss as it is too easy to become very ill. When our bodies break down, so do our minds. Our thought process does not function properly and we could begin to suffer emotional ills. That may sound like a worn out cliche, "Healthy Body, Healthy Mind" but it's true!!

I can remember many times early in my grief where I didn't eat well and didn't sleep and even worse, was getting no exercise at all. I just wasn't moving. I also couldn't think clearly and began making poor choices.


I am so very tired Terry. Honestly......I have to say it because I can't to anyone else but....I feel like dying myself. I am tired of being tired. Sometimes I am so envious of Lesley because she is free now and I am not. I am sick of this life where one is expected just to go on and on with a smiling face when all I often feel like doing is sleeping - which one is not allowed to do most of the time so I would rather die, thank you very much and I mean what I say!


Just a little over 4 weeks ago was Lesley's Angel Date. And, in 4 weeks is her Birthday. The pain we feel before, during and even weeks after these dates can bring us to a very dark place. Once, I described the weeks AFTER their dates as being akin to *cleaning up after a tornado has hit* because this is how intense the pain can be and we're left standing still, stunned and wondering how we're going to pick up all of the pieces.

Please know that what you're feeling will not always be this intense, though it may be a bit more difficult around her dates and holiday's. As much as I anticipate this around their dates, there is no way to prepare for it. We just have to ride out the storm, seek shelter and know that the sun will once again shine. So, feel what you need to feel, knowing it's OK. Come here where you are loved and supported because support is your shelter. And, believe, with all your heart that you will find meaning and even joy in your life once again. Not *without* Lesley, but with her *beside* you!

Big hugs coming your way ((((((((((((((((((((Helene)))))))))))))))))))))

We're always here for you,

Love,
Terry
« Last Edit: August 26, 2011, 10:22:49 PM by Terry »

BluegrassBelle

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Re: All the Rest Is Shadow
« Reply #7 on: August 28, 2011, 05:24:56 PM »
I am so very tired Terry. Honestly......I have to say it because I can't to anyone else but....I feel like dying myself. I am tired of being tired.

I feel where you're at 100%. Just today (and the past couple days) I've been incredibly low, tired, and just drained. It took everything I could to go to dinner with the bf tonight and to just get out of the house. And that was even after being cooped up for a couple days since I was out of work due to a case of nasty pink eye (and too contagious to be among other people), so I should've been ready to get out and about. But I just didn't want to. And like you, it's hard to explain that to people. That the grief is still that heavy after almost two years.

The eating healthy and exercising is a great notion, but it's very very hard on those days I just can't even bring myself to get out of bed much less get dressed and head to a gym/go for a walk.

helene

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Re: All the Rest Is Shadow
« Reply #8 on: August 30, 2011, 01:08:58 PM »
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAVE HELPED ME HERE!!

I wish I could write more that is helpful but I cannot.

Terry...you're right: I am smack in the middle of Lesley's Angel Date and her Birth Date and I feel the walls closing in more every day.

I also feel guilty when I am no use to anyone else here as is the case for me right now. I think of you all....Deebee with your funeral for your dear brother, Gail for her dear lost sister, Bluegrassbell for your loss, Pam too, and everyone her at Webhealing!! I feel horrid at how I cannot offer anyone any support and so often, these days I feel desparingly because I believe in GIVING AND SHARING and right now I am so selfish....buried in my own pain...

Honestly...I feel TOTALLY SELFISH....as if I'm doing nothing more than wallowing in my own pain when all of you are also suffering so MUCH! Thank you for all your love. I am trying to just take one day at a time and hope that I will be a better person soon.

With love to you all,

Helene.


Helene & Lesley

browneyedgirl

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Re: All the Rest Is Shadow
« Reply #9 on: August 30, 2011, 01:14:41 PM »
helene ~ please do not feel as though you are of no use here....you are! 

Even though you feel this way, you never know if what you are posting is going to help the next person......perhaps someone is feeling the same way you are, it helps to know sometimes that there is someone out there that can relate. 

One day at a time is key for a lot of situations in life....so you're on the right track.

We all love and care for you - thank you for posting. 

Sending love and light your way. 

pam
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Terry

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Re: All the Rest Is Shadow
« Reply #10 on: August 30, 2011, 01:33:51 PM »

(((Helene)))

Please be kind to yourself. We all understand what these dates can do to us. You're in pain and we're here for you to support you. You have always supported others here, now let us be there for you.

I can't even count the times I came on here early in my grief and just ranted for days on end. Sharing every feeling I had. But, that's what these boards are for. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have this safe place to share all of my feelings.

I can relate and so can many others to what you're feeling right now. Remember, when one in down, another is there to pull us up. This is how we do this, Helene....together. It's a long journey but you're never alone. As Pam shared, it is one day at a time and sometimes, it's one second at a time.

Hold on and know that you're loved here and you keep posting. It helps you and it helps others, too!

Big Hug coming (((((((((((((((Helene))))))))))))))

My Love,
Terry

helene

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Re: All the Rest Is Shadow
« Reply #11 on: September 01, 2011, 01:18:35 PM »
Thank you. Am stil here.

H.


Helene & Lesley

browneyedgirl

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Re: All the Rest Is Shadow
« Reply #12 on: September 01, 2011, 01:54:29 PM »
((((helene))))

Thinking of you and holding you close.....

Lots of love.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Terry

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Re: All the Rest Is Shadow
« Reply #13 on: September 01, 2011, 04:23:32 PM »

Sending hugs & Love, (((((((((Helene!!!)))))))))))

Terry

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Re: All the Rest Is Shadow
« Reply #14 on: September 04, 2011, 10:46:11 PM »

(((Deebee)))

I'm sorry to hear of the troubles in your marriage. I just now read your response to Helene. Fight, we must for what we love. I'm sure that everything will work out. The love is there and is strong. You have a solid foundation.
It can be so stressful having work related issues, especially with jobs being so few right now, although small businesses are picking up and that's a good thing. I'm not aware of your husband's business but I know he will work things out!

Holding positive thoughts for you both! Keep us updated!

Love,
Terry