Been awhile

[Mommysbabygirl]

Saturday made 8 months. I was feeling fine for awhile with my Mom being gone. I move out of state away from my family. Not sure if that was a good idea, but it was hard staying there and passing the apartment I shared with my Mom on my way to work. I moved because of my job so I didn't just get up and leave. When I first moved I felt great. I was excited to try and move on and start my life again, but within the last month I started drinking, which I know I shouldn't do so I have stopped and I started having the anxiety again. I've been under so much stress I just want to pass out. Since moving I haven't found another counselor to talk to and I am almost out of the antidepressants I was on. They helped a lot, but I didn't want to be dependant upon them to make me feel normal again. I felt being in therapy before helped me to see a lot of things and areas where I could learn to start my life again, but it didn't help me deal with my loss. I feel like I am stuck in anger and can't get past it. I haven't cried in months and not sure what else to do.

[sissy]

I am so sorry for all the sadness and confusion that you are going through....when i read your message i felt as though i had written parts of it myself...i too am struggling to survive and have made mistakes with some of the ways to numb the pain as you mentioned...it hasn't taken me long to realize that when i drink (unless i wanted to drink to pass out, which thank God hasn't been the case so far) it kind of takes me down a level or two into the pit of grayness that has been a constant in my life since i lost my mom.  to be honest with you if drinking did give me some kind of peace.....i'm pretty sure that i would be in serious trouble.
the anxiety for me has made me almost seem manic at times....it seems like i am always filled with nervous energy .... and it is hard for me to truly focus on even the smallest of things... i guess distracted would be a gentle way of describing my personality these days.  i have found that physical work has helped me somewhat when i started feeling anxious or like i'm ready to explode...unfortunately i am a store manager .... and i don't always have the option of losing myself in the physical side....
i don't even know if all these thoughts are making sense....just know that you aren't alone.....
anyway, i will keep you in my prayers.
sissy
you will be in my thoughts and prayers .....

[Terry]

Mommysbabygirl,

Thinking of you and wondering how all was going? Has the anxiety gotten any less intense? I understand the anger. It's another emotion we go through (and a tough one) when we lose someone so precious to us. Be ever so patient with yourself and know you're doing the best you can.

Stop by if you find the time.

Know I care!

Sending hugs & my Love,
Terry

[Mommysbabygirl]

Thank you both for your helpful and kind words.

The anxiety got worse. I'm not feeling well this week and so I'm thinking all these crazy things like something is wrong with me or maybe I will die too. I don't want to die, but I don't know what to do. I was better when I was on antidepressants, but I feel that is not truly better. I know for it to work and get passed this I need to see go to therapy again along with the antidepressants. I guess I am trying to rush myself. I just feel all these things are going on and I don't know what to do anymore. If I could I would just stay inside all the time, but I know I can't do that. I know I need to get a grip on the anxiety or it will be bad for me. Just don't know what to do anymore.

I go walking sometimes mostly to try and lose weight which is hard to do when you emotionally eating so i get frustrated with that. It's a stupid cycle that I am tired of. I hope to find and start therapy soon. It did help before and I am willing to accept that maybe I need the antidepressant for a little while.

[Terry]

Until we find that happy medium or something close to it, it seems to be an uphill battle. You're holding on and doing the best you can and that can only bring good results.

Know I think of you often and continue to Hope that soon you will see that glimmer of light! This is a long journey.

((((((((((Mommysbabygirl)))))))))

You have my love and support,
Terry

[IMUM]

hi there
 im so sorry for your loss. i wanted to let you know that i have begun my grieving process late. and my body didnt want me to hold my feelings in anymore.when it first hit me it was anxiety and i would try to control it. and i would somewhat.but then my brain just wouldnt shut off and id question just how much i could handle, i honestly felt like running away when the intense pain/hurt would come. and if i tried to run from it, it would turn into chest pains and arm pains and sore aching back. i would get away with it for awhile until i just couldnt handle the intensity of my loss. where i would cry with no tears and want to go lie down somewhere and curl up into a ball and cry for my mom to come and save. of course thats how i felt, i couldnt just go and do that, since i have 3 children to look after. but as soon as i could find some alone time to trigger off a good crying session, which would be hard for me cause my thought would be, "what are you doing?' crying seems so wasteful to me. i had to tell myself over and over in my mind, "your allowed to cry" "you should cry" and when i would the anxiety would go away. even if ii couldnt pin point what i was thinking at the time of anxiety, the crying would release it. i too somedays think about going on antidepressants but i want a quick fix as well for this grief, and i know that antidepressants will take long to work. and i also know i have to work through this loss instead of avoid it.i take my days one day at a time and look for one good thing a day to look forward to. i worry about death most days. i think,"how can i die? i dont want my girls to ever feel the way i feel right now? who's gonna tell em its ok to cry for me when im gone? and  i think" what if one of my children die?, i just couldnt handle another heartache right now. so death consumes me somedays and the anxiety comes right after i think it. so i try to talk myself outta the negative thoughts and i try to focus on the beauty of my family and how truly blessed i am. like i said its a day to day thing. some weeks are waaay better than others but it has lessened. i hope peace finds you and clarity as well. i think even one day of peace helps us move along. hope you are well:)