I had a dream or should I say, a series of dreams or I thought they were. It was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I was awake, then I was dreaming and all the while my Jeff was growing. Growing from a baby, to a little boy and then he was around 12. In every scene, he was talking, age appropriate and I was touching him and he was laughing as a baby and tot, and then smiling and talking as he aged.
I thought maybe this was what happens right before you join them. I didn't understand how his life could be presented in such a detailed fashion and there were so many memories that I didn't have. I believe these were Jeff's memories. I believe, strongly that this was Jeff. He was giving me this, as a gift if you will...I don't know?
I am always amazed by every visit, although this 'home movie', and it played out that way and in such detail, leaves me with another emotion. I feel closer to him than I ever have probably because I feel in my heart that this had to be Jeff as I have no memory of these times, although there was a familiarity to all of them.
Maybe Jeff wants me to remember the best times of our lives and these times were his growing and learning and loving. He also mentioned a couple of poems that he wrote to me and they are in a collection that I still have not published. One is around 160 poems and the other around 220. One book, Jeff and I published together back in '98 and some scattered short stories with Jeff's art work and a few shows.
Maybe he's just telling his Mom to 'get off of her butt' and get this work out. Maybe I just have to 'steal' the time or stop making excuses for not getting it out. Something I will be thinking about a lot.
And, although both Michelle and Jeff have always talked to me when visiting, there was a deep, profound...I want to say it was an awakening as I can't describe it any other way...his voice was felt in my soul and there is a 'knowing' that it will never leave.
And, I remain grateful.