Author Topic: so very hard  (Read 8989 times)

Zylen

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so very hard
« on: June 23, 2011, 09:28:37 AM »
,,,
« Last Edit: August 21, 2013, 10:10:09 AM by Zylen »

browneyedgirl

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Re: so very hard
« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2011, 09:33:49 AM »
(((((Kevin)))))

I do not pretend to have the words that could ever ease the great pain in your heart, but please know that I am thinking of you. 

Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Terry

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Re: so very hard
« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2011, 04:35:21 PM »

Kevin,

While the grief is not greater in sudden death, our capacity to cope is greatly diminished. Their loss is so disruptive that our grieving process almost always is complicated. Any coping skills we would ordinarily have when dealing with a death seem to become crippled, as in an inability to cope at all.
And, the reason it is so important, that if you're feeling that you do not want to be here, and most of us feel that way when losing someone we love so dearly because we are so battered that we cannot find any coping skills, then it may be a good idea to seek some outside help. Have you thought about seeing a grief counselor? Many do and have found it very helpful, even life saving.

You do not have to be alone with these feelings. Your wife died just days ago, Kevin and I can't imagine your feeling anything other than unbearable pain along with a loneliness that is difficult to even put into words.. Our hearts cannot process something this traumatic, Kevin and this is the hardest journey we will have to go on and through in our lifetime.

I know you stated that you wanted to work and sometimes keeping very busy, especially if we have no family support or the support from friends, is helpful. It helps us just to survive and at this point, it is the only thing we're looking for. And, a reason.

Have you tried talking with your son about maybe moving in with you a while? Just a thought. I am not aware of your support system, if any. Do you have one?

Please know that I understand, Kevin and I wish I could do more. We have to go through this. All of it. It is extremely difficult. But, let me remind you once again that you do not have to be alone through this.

Call your local emergency services if you need to. They will make available to you many resources that you can benefit from right now.

I understand the pain of great loss and I am here for you. Let me know if I can do anything at all, on my end.

Love,
Terry


Terry

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Re: so very hard
« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2011, 12:13:15 AM »

Kevin, I'm relieved to hear that you are being supported in your workplace. Since you had the night off, I hope you were able to at least rest some. Even lying down and closing our eyes helps. I used to use something a lot and now and then I still do, and that is the sounds of nature. My favorite is the sound of rain falling. There is also crickets, airplanes, fans, water trickling down...a huge variety of very soothing sounds. Well, what is soothing for one may not be for another but there are many to choose from. It may help you to fall asleep. It couldn't hurt! They are sold in drug stores, WalMart...most places. And, very inexpensive.

I know the deafening roar of the silence that you're experiencing in your home right now. It may also help to keep the TV on but on a station that's very light in content as in DIY or Home and Gardens....no movies. Keep trying as many things as you can think of and eventually, something will enable you to at least lay your head down and maybe even relax for a short time. It's little by little, everything we try. Nothing will happen overnight.

Also, gardening. Which I'm sure you have little interest in right now but maybe just measuring a spot for a future garden or project that you've been wanting to start. Write it down and put in on your frig. In fact, write everything down you're doing or would like to do and post little reminders so you will see them often.

Try to start a journal. Writing all of your feelings down. It was yet another life saver for me as I couldn't concentrate on anything for any amount of significant time, but I 'did' have strong feelings as my emotions were like a yo-yo....so I wrote all of my confusion, fear, uncertainty....everything I was feeling and after writing it I would feel like a huge weight was lifted.

You could write to your wife. Letting her know how you feel and how much you miss her. It will help.

The ones who offered to do things for you, call them and let them know you 'do' need help. Maybe they could pick up groceries for you and run similar errands. A home cooked meal would be welcomed.

Be sure to drink plenty of water/Gatorade or Powerade...just keep plenty of fluids going in. SO very important. Water adds oxygen to our blood stream immediately and perks us up. Gives us energy. And, grief severely zaps our energy level. Try something different every day. Take care of yourself the best you can. And, know I am here for you, day or night.

Sending you a big hug, love and understanding,
Terry





browneyedgirl

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Re: so very hard
« Reply #4 on: June 24, 2011, 09:13:45 AM »
I echo everything Terry has said.......

You will never be alone here, there will always be someone to listen. 

Sending love and light. 
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

mousewife

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Re: so very hard
« Reply #5 on: June 24, 2011, 09:23:47 AM »
Kevin,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your soulmate.  I have lost mine too.  I know the pain feels unbearable, but, we just keep breathing, so we do bear it.

You say you don't even know of a thing to tell people when they tell you to ask if there is anything you need.  I would say, if they are people you feel you can trust not to make you feel worse with mis-guided words, ask them to listen to you.  I think having understanding people to talk with about the depth of your sorrow is helpful.  I think it helps to have someone to cry with and be open with.  If you don't feel comfortable with this, then the ideas already mentioned such as a grief group and journaling can be helpful.  If you feel like reading,check out the book list on this site.  There are helpful books on how to deal with grief.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife

tootie223

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Re: so very hard
« Reply #6 on: June 24, 2011, 04:04:12 PM »
Kevin,
   I have read your posts and I know exactly where you are coming from. Next Friday it will be two years since my husband died in an accident. It can take quit awhile for you to figure out what the heck is going on. How to survive each day. Having someone to talk to who has lost a spouse really helps. I really believe the person has to have lost like you to really understand. I know there are a lot of friends who say they understand and what to help. But until they go through this themselves they don’t really know the pain. I have a friend who lost her husband and it helps. I don’t say I don’t still have my felt downs but they are not as frequent as they were in the beginning. Someone said to write in a journal. I do that. I have a continuous letter to my husband and still to this day write in it.
   I find the pain is always there, it just gets bearable. I miss him every day and think about him all the time. After 35 years it is hard to figure out what to do with the rest of your life.
   Keep coming back to this site and read other’s posts. You are not alone and know we are here to talk to whenever you need it.

Tootie223


browneyedgirl

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Re: so very hard
« Reply #7 on: July 11, 2011, 04:22:40 PM »
Hi Kevin ~ just wondering how are you doing.....
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Sad and Lonely

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Re: so very hard
« Reply #8 on: July 13, 2011, 05:32:38 PM »
Hi Zylen,

I truley understand what you are going through as I lost my beautiful wife of 42 years to cancer as well, just 5 months ago. She was my best friend and soul mate, my chilhood sweetheart and we were so very close. I can't tell you that the road ahead is going to be a easy one because it sure has not been a easy one for me. I can tell you that some days are better then others and don't be afraid to cry, because it does help and holding it in will just make it worse. I have joined a group called Grief Share and I find it very helpful. You get to meet and talk to people that are dealing with all differant kind of losses. It seems to help, I find it easier to talk to strangers about my loss than I can with my own family. These people have gone through the same losses as you and I have, and they truley understand what you are going through. I have been going through old photo albums and remembering the good times that we had together and yes it is difficult to go through them and it does make me cry and at the same time it makes me feel good too. I don't know if I am the greatest person to be giving you advice as the death of my wife is still pretty fresh to me. I also have a english cocker and I find her a great help to me as I am like you I am all alone in my home to. When I come home from shoping there is my little dog at the door to greet me with her tail wagging away, she comes and puts her paws up on the bedside in the morning to let me know it is time to get up. Pets are a big help, you can talk to them and they are always willing to listen to you without judgeing you. Try to keep as busy as you can. I had trouble with sleep as you are having but as time goes on your sleep pattern will get a little better, it has for me. I still have trouble from time to time sleeping but it does get eaiser. I found the help on this site is a very good place to vent when you need it because there is always someone around to listlen. I hope you get some good out of my post here and read other posts as well and you will know that you are not alone, we all have to go through the grief period to get through this difficult time.

Thinking of you and wishing you the best,

Sad and Lonely
Sad and lonely

Terry

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Re: so very hard
« Reply #9 on: July 14, 2011, 10:37:54 AM »

Hi Kevin,

It's very difficult and probably one of the hardest things for us after someone dies is going home to an empty house. I agree with "Sad and Lonely" in regards to having a pet right now. I don't know what I would have done had it not been for my furry friends who even cried with me, at times. There were times when I was so sick from just crying that I would have to run to the bathroom, and as I was I was gagging and coughing and behind me....there was mylittle one and my lab, coughing and gagging! Sympathy pains! If I didn't see it, I wouldn't believe it myself.

Maybe consider it? A small dog that you could adopt from the ASPCA that is already trained and has their shots....

I know there are things you want/need to do right now but sometimes it's a good idea to wait until we are not so emotional, in so much pain before making a major decision. Take your time. There's no rush, Kevin and it will only add stress that you don't need right now and cause you to become overwhelmed.

Maybe the job change to a different department is just the ticket. Let me know how that works out for you. So glad to hear your employer is being supportive.

Always thinking of you!

((((((Kevin)))))

My Love,
Terry

Terry

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Re: so very hard
« Reply #10 on: July 14, 2011, 02:56:31 PM »


Luckily, I have a beautiful English cocker who is always wagging his tail and never hesitates to kiss the tears off of my face.


I'm sorry, Kevin! I remember reading that now....or maybe I need a new pair of glasses! (I think it's the latter) I hope he continues to wash every single tear off of your face! :) They are so very precious in their love for us!

((((((Kevin)))))

Love,
Terry

browneyedgirl

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Re: so very hard
« Reply #11 on: July 18, 2011, 12:15:56 PM »
(((Kevin))))
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

johnkmurray

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Re: so very hard
« Reply #12 on: July 18, 2011, 04:44:08 PM »
Kevin,

I lost my wife Kit to cancer a little over a year ago. Like you, we'd been married just 16 years and were expecting many more, at least we were until we heard that horrible word: cancer. I'm 12 yrs older than Kit and we'd always joked that she'd be pushing me around in my wheelchair in my old age ... little did we know that I'd be sitting here in an empty house, surrounded by (taunted by?) her memories.

This past year has been the hardest I've ever faced by far, even harder than when she was sick. At least I could be strong for her, could be there to hold her when she was scared, to be with her when she was afraid, and to make the most of our remaining time together. Still, it has been 15 months now and I can honestly say that with time the pain lessens, the bad days grow fewer and farther apart. Will life return to "normal"? No, normal was Kit and I together, and that won't happen again until my time on this earth is finished, but I find I'm better able to get on with my life - as Kit would want me to.

Losing weight? Be careful not to lose too much too fast, but I will admit that since I've been stuck eating my own cooking I'm down about 25lbs and expect to lose more. I think of it as a tiny silver lining in the cloud. ;-)

Regards,
John

browneyedgirl

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Re: so very hard
« Reply #13 on: August 02, 2011, 11:47:31 AM »
Kevin ~ how you you doing?  I just wanted to check up on you.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Terry

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Re: so very hard
« Reply #14 on: August 03, 2011, 02:03:31 PM »

Kevin, I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. I hear you. Everything you've shared. I wish I were there with you right now, I'd give you the biggest hug.

7 weeks is hardly enough time to even process such a great loss, and you're trying to survive in the world where you and your wife lived, together and this all takes a lot of time and a lot of patience. I know the pain is awful right now and the intense missing. It's a trauma that our bodies along with our minds try to cope with.

As far as others wanting to help; no one really knows what to do. Words alone hold no substance. A warm hug without any words would be the best medicine right now.

Try to change your routine a bit. I know that's not an easy thing to do but even doing something different before you have to go home can help a little. Maybe you could not go straight home everyday, as that seems to be the hardest part of your day, so stop by a park or a coffee shop, anywhere that you can sit down and just relax. Maybe converse with others around you. Even small talk right now and you never know, you may meet someone who has gone through the same as you or knows someone that has and they may be able to offer you their heart. Even a comforting word. And, may bring that *overwhelmed* feeling down to a point where you'll be able to tolerate it. Just a thought.

There 'is' Hope, Kevin. Please believe that. Remember that your life changed the day your wife died and grieving is a long process and a lot of work. It's tiring. Even draining, at times. But, you're worth it. We all go through it because we're all worth it.

Know that we are here for you and we all understand what you're going through. We do this, one day at a time. That's the only way it can work. Get through tomorrow and feel good about it because it is an accomplishment, especially this early when grieving.

Sending hugs across cyberspace for you ((((((((((((((((((Kevin)))))))))))))))))

And, all of my support and lots of Love,
Terry